Friday, January 6, 2012
One thing I find so apprehensive about reading friends' blogs is that the process often undermines the solid - or so I believed - foundation of my understanding of these particular persons. Reading what they write draws me closer to them and yet pushes me so far away at the same time; I realise just how little I knew about them, just how their usual mannerisms and words exchanged are not all that constitutes their mindscape. It's a strange discovery to be made when you've conditioned yourself to always look for meanings underneath the surface. I guess the only logical reason is that I knew, I did know that people had much more to them than what they show in an external stage called the "Society", but I was not prepared. I was never prepared.
It greatly depresses me whenever I encounter such things. Perhaps it reminds me of a form of intimacy that I've always desired for and thought I had attained, only to be shown over and over again that it was not yet time, that we had not yet arrived at that stage, that there was still a long, long way to go. What I'm talking about is a spiritual intimacy, where both sides trust each other enough for there to be a decent lack of secrecy. There's still privacy of course, because after all, secrecy is different from privacy. Privacy is something you are entitled to, something that cannot be shared with another party. Secrecy, however, is when you choose to make something private. It's a choice. It's a selection. It's a mental process. It is when two parties can skip this primal logical process that true trust can be considered forged between them, as there is no longer any reason for such defensive logic to be utilised in interacting.
When I read a friend's blog, often a time it would feel as if I had just lost a friend. I start feeling frightened. I start feeling insecure, because what is revealed to me is a stranger, someone I thought I knew and who had spent enough time by my side to justify my belief. The words they write make their images slip from my mind's eye like slithering sand, and I would watch as this new stranger walks out from the crumbling mess, his back facing me, a shadow I cannot comprehend. I am not worried that this friend would abandon me. I am worried that I would abandon him, as owing to my own foolish confidence in my understanding of him, it is not impossible that when the time comes, I would not recognise him for who he really is.
I love my friends and dearly so. I'm not sure for many cases if the feeling is mutual, but there are certain people for whose happiness I am convinced to do anything that is within my capability. It is a kind of love that I will never be able to foster for communities like my family - people I am born to be with, but whom I never chose to live with. To me, love only has meaning when you have undergone the whole process of choosing for yourself what degree of interaction suits both parties, when you realise that there is a sincere compulsion behind your actions that far exceed the obligatory undertones of societal expectations. In that case, you have chosen to love, not obliged to love. That's a world of difference.
If anything, I encountered these people personally on my own path of life, even if I may have known much less about them than I thought. They are people I chose to be with, and whether they are people I know or people I never knew, I have decided, regardless of the uncertainty, that I would love them all the same.
***~~~*Waited for the Winds at 8.36pm*~~~
Monday, December 19, 2011
I want to change my family. After two weeks of JENESYS Japan seeing what normal relationships should be like, I've finally gotten to the point where I realised that if nobody does anything, if everyone just chooses to forget (but not forgive) and let the situation at hand remain as it is, then what awaits is a merely bleak and grey future. Nothing more, nothing less.
We had a go at it again today, my mom and I. I just couldn't take it anymore. The moment I woke up, I could hear her screaming away at my dad about not having rung up a professional painter and instead personally painting the whole house for 12 days, dragging her along for the work as well, subsequently making her lose all her precious holiday time which could have been spent on doing meaningful things like learning english and reading chinese literature.
For some reason, that made me extremely furious. I couldn't understand why she could be so unreasonable. First things first, my dad spent 12 days painting the WHOLE house, which is nothing short of amazing, and by right he should be thanked for his efforts instead of being bombarded by the scalding complaints of an unappreciative wife. Secondly, if she is whining about her holidays, what about my dad? As much as my mom works as well, my dad is still undeniably the main economic support of the family. He toils just as much as my mom does, if not more. And when december comes, while my mom enjoys her school holiday, he doesn't even have a holiday to talk about. What gives her the right to scream at him for having asked for her help? What gives her the right to pity herself and trouble my dad when HE is the one who is taking days off, sacrificing precious time and rest, for a project the WHOLE family should have been spending time on together?
So I stood up for my dad, and as much as it hurt me, I'm glad I did. It felt nice fighting for someone else. I do not particularly like my dad, but I like reason and that's all it takes for me to decide to defend him. My mom overstepped the line. I'm a grown girl now, I want to have my say. I want to let others have their say as well. I want to know that I have it in me to stand up for what's reasonable.
I told my mom that instead of painting the whole house and giving it a brand new look, we might as well look into ourselves and renew the more intangible aspects of our family. Our relationship. Our love. Our bonds. You see, I've finally realised that all these years, my family has been working on a "fight and forget" basis. We fight, and then we let time numb the pain of the wounds and pretend that those things are in the past and can just be buried with the foundations of our house. We fight, we forget, but do not forgive. Nobody says things that goes into the others' hearts. Nobody does things because of sincere compulsion instead of obligatory motives. Everyone just wants to evade trouble, to leave things as they are in hope of a better tomorrow which would simply wash away the blackened remains of yesterday.
When I stood up and attempted to reason with my mom today (with bad consequences, of course), my dad was quick to ask me to stop and go to my room. I pointed at him and told him that what he's doing all these years is running away. He's scared of facing my mom, scared of facing the conflict that would be sure to arise if he stood up for himself. I do not want to see my dad silently taking the abuse. I do not want to see anyone silently taking abuse! Not my dad, not myself, not anyone in the world. My mom is clearly in the wrong and if the rest of the family just remains silent as she rages, as we've always been doing, it would just give her more "reason" to believe that she is right and always right, that she holds the authority of the house, that things must be done the way she wants. Everything will just go downhill from there. It is foolish to believe that things will just get better if we leave them be, to fester in their stagnant state.
What my family needs to do now is to learn how to forgive. One cannot forgive if he is not receptive to reason. That is my mom's main problem, something that she cannot see in herself.
I told my mom today that I know she's a good person, that she tries her best in everything she does and has the capability to exceed (which she has in her workplace), that she wishes well for others and I appreciate her concerns for my future. She told me that she regretted having given birth to me and that I should leave the house and jump off the balcony right then and there. I didn't care much about that; it wasn't new anyway. I told her that even if she didn't love me as much as she believed she did (or was obliged to), even if I was not her child, even if I was to die right then and there, it doesn't change the fact that this family will collapse if nothing is changed in due time. This family, in this context, being her and my dad. Their non-stop arguing in my 2-week absence suggests that my presence in this family does not make their relationship any much better or worse. It's their own future as a couple I'm talking about. Someday, I'm going to leave this house, and in those someday-s, they will be the ones left to deal with each other. The amount of pleasure they can obtain in their retirement is largely decided by how well they can handle each other, and how well they can support each other through age and time.
I have found my answer to the question I've been asking myself for many years...and the answer is that I do not love my family. And yet it does not depress me to say this. I'm just glad that I've sorted it out with myself, that I finally know that this empty feeling upon hearing the word "family", that this numbing apathy when I see my parents, is owing to the fact that there is no true and unchangeable bond running in our veins other than blood. However, I can still do things for them even without love. I can still defend them. I can still repay them. I can still live with them, laugh with them, try to make life better for them. I can still change them.
I just do not love them, but that's no big deal. It's just a little different.
So today's face-off ended with my dad shouting at my mom in an act of self-justification and me leaving the kitchen feeling absolutely drained and distressed. But that's okay. I've gotten it off my chest, I've reasoned it out with myself, and I know what I should do next.
Something. Anything. As long as I don't stay silent and forget as I've always done, I'm sure I'll get somewhere.
***~~~*Waited for the Winds at 1.31pm*~~~
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I can't believe it, my dad was so freakin' generous he actually decided to buy me the 15-inch macbook pro with the best specs, even though I myself was squirming at the price and was suggesting some tone-downs just to alleviate the financial pressure. I mean really, I wasn't expecting that at all. He gave me the impression that he would not spend anything on electronic devices that cost more than $1500 tops, but apparently he worked things out in his head this time round and figured it was fine to spend a shitload of cash on something really useful and long-lasting.
A'yup, I plan to use this com for a super long time in return. Spent my first coupla days rummaging through online manuals and reviews to stock up on computer management information...especially battery-wise, I'm just so bothered by the battery management. Apparently mac notebooks use lithium batteries and these require a different method of usage. Instead of trying to avoid the charger as much as possible, we're actually supposed to stick it in most of the time when using the com, and just make sure we calibrate the battery at least once a month to keep the charges flowing. That's something new. I guess it's better this way, I wouldn't be taxing the battery, nor would I be worrying about the time left before I have to start charging the com again.
So, my thoughts on the com...I guess I have to say I'm in love with it. It's kind of amazing how I could crossover from disliking the mac interface to loving it in just one night. I guess this sort of thing happens once you gain more knowledge of the subject.
Not to mention, TF2ing is a hell lot better now on this new com. It has 2 graphics cards with dynamic switching, and the gaming experience is just awesome with all those high-def details! The only problem left is just the occasional fluctuation of the wireless connection, but that's something I can't really help, and it doesn't really bother me too much anyway. As long as I get into a decent server, I can still play a really good game. All in all, man, I'm pleased. Really pleased.
Love mah new macpro. I hope it will accompany me all the way till after uni or even longer, that would be so worth it. Imagine doing architecture or graphic design on this beaut'...hmm...
***~~~*Waited for the Winds at 11.05pm*~~~
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I've been getting really frustrated with my parents again lately. After studying for months on end for EYAs and frikkin' HCL and Jap Os, now they're telling me, just one week after the final exam ended, that I have to start revising for JLPT and SAT and finish up that goddamn shit called e-learning, which apparently I'm supposed to review simply because they spent bucks on it and it's gonna end this december. Somehow, they just can't seem to leave me alone. I have to do be doing work. They like seeing me do work. That's perfectly understandable, considering how half-assed many KS China parents are, but that doesn't make it reasonable.
And yesterday my mom flew into a rage and ruined the night by scolding me for not flying back to China and being "filial" to my grandparents, all because I over-napped and she was pissed. I mean I can understand if she scolds me for over-napping, but not when she picks up some entirely irrelevant shit and shrieks around about it for hours on end just to let off steam. It's really pissing. Really pissing. Anyway, I'm already going Japan this December on the immersion trip, they seriously want me to fly to two countries in one holiday? It'd be wasting their money as well, and then when they're unhappy some other day, they'd scold me for it. What's the point, man?
I thought that my parents would at least be reasonable and I did think I could put up with 1h of Chinese everyday, even if HCL Os has just ended. But not this. Definitely not this, I'm NOT expecting them to suddenly throw me all sorts of shits and take away my hard-earned reprieve, simply because their asses are smoking when they see me being relaxed and enjoying myself. They can get their asses charred for all I care. I don't give a damn, really.
This is gonna be my last holiday. I mean it. My last holiday as a teenager, before JC hits next year with two years worth of studying like shit for As, and then afterwards it's just more education and work. I wanted to make the best out of it. I wanted to catch up on all the fun I've missed in all the previous four years: gaming, hanging out with friends, painting till god knows when, staying up late and talking goof on MSN...hell, even running in the rain or going to some spiritual meditation place or something. I want to do all these things before age makes it impossible to do them without being looked upon weirdly. Not that I'd care about others at this rate, since I'm starting to learn not to care about others' expectations of me, but I'd like to do these things when I am still naturally entitled to do them. I want my own space. I want my own time.
I want my freedom, my freedom, goddamnit! Just WHERE the hell is it?!
Fuck SAT. Fuck JLPT. Fuck As. Fuck JC. And most importantly, fuck Chinese.
...I do believe I see why my room needs to be painted orange now.
***~~~*Waited for the Winds at 9.01am*~~~
Saturday, October 29, 2011
...So I spent around 50+ bucks buying a frikkin' headphone. I liked the design and figured that since every one of my earphones ended up dying a horrible death, I should probably get something bigger and more...stable, hopefully, and which would wrap me up in the world of music. Let's not care about the proverbial bloody car which could be heading towards me any time.
I guess I'm quite pleased with the quality, well, not entirely, but whatever, I can't possibly spend more on a frikkin' headphone. I'm using the $150 I got from my mom for the three 4.0s this year. The remaining 100 bucks or so will be going into the new bank account which I'm gonna get next saturday; I think it's time to start saving things up, the money would probably be less of a burden on my mind if it's safely locked up somewhere. If I manage to keep the saving thing going, maybe I'd be able to gather enough funds for a lightbox or a tablet next year, that'd be awesome. Well, we'll see.
Alright dead tired today...Chinese overload and too much hassle from the CCA CIP hours shit and LEAPS points records...I have to sort it out with so many teachers! Agh! I hope Ms Seah and Mr Raihan don't throttle me for all the inconvenience I'm causing them. I feel so bad but I really want my points as well. ._. I mean, I do deserve them, I think! I did attend the sessions faithfully in 2009! I can't just get 0 points because the records show 66% attendance, it just doesn't make sense, yanno, since my 2010 one shows 93% and technically I should have attended more sessions in the previous year since I didn't have SAP then. It doesn't make sense. I'm not gonna rest till I get a proper explanation and a proper outcome as well.
Fix. Mah. Records. Goddamnit.
***~~~*Waited for the Winds at 10.47pm*~~~
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Some random guy got my MSN address somehow and suddenly IMed me when I came home today, and, well, he said a whole bunch of weird stuff, really weird stuff. Firstly, he wouldn't tell me who he was though I friggin' prompted thrice, and then he sent me a link, which I didn't click, and claimed that it was a picture of him and he - AGH geez! Simply put, he was being horny and probably wanted to either show himself in some compromising manner or try to lure me.
As usual, I was trying my best to be polite until after a couple of sentences I realised where it was going and promptly rejected him. And yeah there was some tassle on his part, trying to appeal to my sense of sympathy or something with shit words like "don't break my heart", and I told him that there was no fuckin' way his heart could be broken because he obviously doesn't even know me. Anyway, I don't care if his heart is broken. It'd be better that way.
Just...what...the...hell?
Stupid idiot. I'm still feeling kind of creeped out because I have no idea who this idiot is and how he's got my MSN address (unless it's someone on DA or Facebook), and also where the hell he lives because if he's got my MSN address, who knows if he's got something more? Like maybe my home address or something? I know now's not the time to be paranoid but this sets you thinking yo. He even had the audacity to claim that he loves me even though he's never even seen me before - probably the greatest WTF thing that I'm sure none of the people I actually interact with for a decent amount of time ever does, even on the net. I hope that means he's nowhere remotely near Singapore.
I can never get the hang of queer shits poppin' up all around me. I can deal with bad results and lost competitions and familial disputes but this is just so out of the blue, and I don't like it one bit. I'm caught between being creeped out and being amused by just how idiotic this little shit is behaving.
Well, I just remembered the fantastic function of BLOCKING a person on MSN. I'll do that. I'll do that right away.
Jesus.
***~~~Waited for the Winds at 11.08pm*~~~
Saturday, October 22, 2011
So, erm, yes, now I'm sixteen. No party poppers and catcalls and gay rainbow balloons please, I think sixteen is an age where people start to outgrow that instinctual excitement that children have at birthday celebrations. Somehow birthdays no longer seem like a very happy thing. Still special, maybe, but not happy, because they remind you of a year gained and many things lost.
They say "Sweet Sixteen", but personally I believe that there's a large word-bank of S-words that can replace the first in the pair.
Still, I think I have to say I had a pretty good, uh, sort of celebration yesterday. My mom dragged me out to the mall and we had lunch and she bought me a whole bunch of clothes, something I haven't done in over a year I think, watched a romance movie, and today morning she went out to buy this whole box of (expensive-looking) chocolate biscuits while I was asleep and wrote a small card of sorts to wish me happy birthday. Now that was touching. Yeah I'm touched, really, and at times like this I find myself confused as to whether my mom is a bitch or not. She's just so, you know, bipolar. It baffles me and I have no idea how I should deal with her.
I still appreciate everything she's done that definitely deserves appreciation, of course. It's just at times I get so mad at her, and at other times I feel either sorry or grateful and touched. I think all I really wish for is a stable relationship where one side doesn't have to constantly be in preparation for a full-blown mood swing from the other side. It just makes you live life on the tips of your toes and you know, there's a certain lack of...security.
Welp, whatever, I'm sixteen now, and that's probably all that matters for today. There're a lot of things to think about on your birthday. Whether you should be happy or sad is one of them.
***~~~*Waited for the Winds at 10.17am*~~~
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Why yes, now that my mom has very kindly insisted (like a bitch) on "taking care" of my Chinese studies, in preparation for the upcoming Os, I'm finding the freedom I've regained for a short period of time after my Jap Os being extremely short-lived. The short period of time being one day. One day being a whole bunch of hours wasted because my parents dragged me out to some stupid park and some stupid Chinese civilization exhibition, while I was sick from the jeebs I got from the panic attack thanks to Jap Listening Compre the previous day.
And today was horrible, because I was frikkin' trying to focus on my Bio group presentation and my mom kept hollering at me about the Chinese O-level past-year papers she made me do during the June hols while she was freezing off her lazy ass in Russia. So I went to print all the docs out, and then she yelled at me for not having written them out instead because who knows what shit I might've done on the com. Well what the shit indeed. I was saving time, goddamnit, because there's not a lot of time to talk about when you have a damned SAP Coursework and long-assed Chinese papers to rush through every single day. And then the most outrageous thing was that the goddamn bitch actually thought I'd copied all the answers from the answer booklet. What the fuck? We didn't even receive the answer booklet until a good one month after the June hols! She wouldn't believe me! Well guess not, but still!
The only amusing thing was that she made me redo the first cloze passage to check if my current answers are the same as the ones I wrote in June, but turns out they were not only the same, I actually scored full marks whereas I got one wrong for the June set. That was kind of funny. In her face, man, I wish there were more in-her-face moments. They make me feel just a tad better, and that's enough.
Now, in most cases I would have appreciated help, but my mom is an absolute no-no. Sure, she's a Chinese teacher and I must admit that she's pretty darn good in the subject, but the ways in which she's trying to get me to improve are all WRONG. You don't try to get people to improve by making them do mindless penmanship. That shit is for kids - you know, kindergarteners who can't write their shit properly with a pencil in one hand, or even two? You also don't get people to improve by making them read the passages in textbooks which aren't even used.
I know my own problems, okay? If I had my way, I'll just be spending hours per day reading Chinese books. Well that's the way I always study for Japanese. Basically what I did was know the grammar structures through the years, which wasn't that difficult since I'd make it a point to remember during the lessons themselves, revise some kanji, and then the rest was just reading random books and articles to get the feel of the language, and watching anime to improve my listening as well as oral capabilities. And this way has gotten me pretty far, or as far as a 4.0. I know how I learn languages, I know how I should be learning languages. It's just a hell lot of reading...a hell lot of reading, to get the feel of things because the way I do things is by feeling. Simple as that.
Well, the only thing I agree with her albeit reluctantly is the practice part...shit's gonna get real, man, and it's gonna hit the fan as well. I can just sense all the diabolic plans going on in her head to make me relive those hellish PSLE days in the coming month.
Ugh. GEP, then P4 Streaming, then PSLE, then Os, then SAT, then As, then college exams, then this humongous shit called work where you may very well return home one day to find the dining table missing. Exams, exams, and more exams! We're never gonna be free, are we?
Okay, end of rant. Now I shall start thinking about African kids and demented China students and remind myself of just how good a fucking life I'm living.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Jap Os Listening Compre was the hardest shit I've ever done all these years. I suffered a panic attack as well as a dizzy spell right after because I've never, seriously, never encountered a passage in LC that I couldn't understand from start to finish. Well you see, I was panicking over the previous passage and trying to scribble whatever answers I could remember when the next reading began to play, and by the time I finished scribbling, I couldn't catch the start of the next reading, so I ended up not understanding it at all. It was so fucked up. I knew something was very fishy when the grammar paper on Wed was so uncannily easy; turns out that they really did plan on killing us with the next two parts of the Jap paper. Man, of all the Jap exams, the only one I had to screw up is O levels. What the fuck is wrong with me and important exams?
I feel so tired now, and my head was swirling so badly after the exam that for a moment I seriously doubted I would make it for the MRT trip back home. Something is not right. It's probably the adrenaline, as well as the coffee, and the panic which hit right after I downed that caffeine drink...and a sort of hatred harboured against myself. I can already feel myself slipping back into depression. I must not lose my footing, must not let old shits happen again...because I know what can happen when I'm depressed and I'm trying my best to prevent its occurrence.
Heh, but speaking of which, I really think I'm such a goner. I can't do anything right somehow. Not my academics, not TAP, not even a game like TF2, not to mention my severely lacking people skills. Everything I do seems to garner an OTL moment. I'm no longer asking for people to have faith in me...I'm having trouble finding that faith in myself. I'm past that age of longing for people to "babysit" me. And yet with that longing gone, so is a whole layer of meaning in my life. Something feels...dismal. Not right. Shattered and unable to be pieced together again. I'd really like to know what it is, yet at the same time I think I shouldn't as well. Some things are probably best to be left alone to nature's course.
I'm tired. I can't type anymore. That's all for today.
***~~~*Waited for the winds at 6.18pm*~~~
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Was bored yesterday and without inspiration so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and do this meme as well. I guess I'm pretty satisfied with my improvement over the past 2 years. If I didn't put these two side by side, I wouldn't have been able to feel at least somewhat confident about the pace of my progress. All I felt for the past few months was that I didn't entirely improve much from the immediate past...but I guess the big picture really shows things differently and more comprehensively.
I think I've managed to come to terms with the fact that not being selected for TAP isn't the end of my artistic journey. After all, different mentors suit different apprentices, and maybe my time just hasn't come yet. I don't think I'm too bad. Many people say I downplay myself too much, and yet to me it just felt like the right thing to do because, perhaps due to the manner of upbringing, being proud feels like a sin. I have no idea what to say about myself sometimes. I know I'm probably good in some things, and I know how far my passion can take me, but sometimes...sometimes I just can't see those things and the darker side overshadows everything.
Like what Awa told me, if they don't want me, well, I shall just self-study and get tips from people who're willing to give them. There's no restriction to who and where I can get knowledge from, as well as how I get it. As long as I don't stop believing in myself, I can and will try to amount to something in future.
While I have passion, I must have the confidence to pursue my passion as well. Maybe this is what this entire TAP mentorship failure is meant to teach me. :)
***~~~*Waited for the Winds at 11.43am*~~~
Thanks to all the blogs the designer referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
