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Friday, October 31, 2008
There are mountains surrounding me, so many mountains, in the distance, where the sun shines through their shadows like a golden gem. All around heaths of grass lapped against me; I was alone, faraway, so faraway and distant...I was free, I was in the wind, I was no longer existent in a world where everything would soon be forgotten. It was dusk, late dusk, trespassing into twilight. The skies rolled their fiery eagres...there were clouds, but everywhere else was clear. The mountains beckoned towards me. The wind breathed around me. It was a land where light was eternal and never-ending...
The grass continued to ruffle, and under my feet there was none but pure nature, pure soil, pure earth. There was moisture beneath every one of my touch; the grass were alive - their spirits were awakened, they were here, free, not beholden to anything that would bind down their truest consciousness...The mountains were breathing, the skies were gazing, the wind was embracing. There were so much to see, so much to hear...so much to feel and know. So much for me to exist...
A faint call echoed forth in the distance...the call of music, the call of nature...where the long-lost spirits had revelled in their wake, where they were freed and liberated to do all they were meant to do. There was meaning to life; there was meaning in every single wonder around me. I never recalled their names - they had no names. They were not chained to registrations...they were forever more, and eternally, themselves.
I knew who they were. I knew what they were. I was in tune with their powers and miracles and weaknesses just as a note would be in tune with a melody. I saw the light of their spirits flicker and gleam within their bodies. I heard the whisperings of life flutter around me. I felt the presence of existence, true-hearted existence, brimming the lands of my world...it was liquid light, purest essence of meaning, and nonetheless the great knowing of all kinds...
There was nothing to be defined. It was dynamic...the grass took me into their sunlit green-brown turfs just like I was part of them; They were me, and I was them. We were one...constantly in tune, constantly balanced and merged as one spirit of nature. We had never split. We were combined. We were born as none but one.
Yet we had to go. The sun bids farewell, the winds breathe their last breath, and the spirits recess into the depths of their being. What is left now is an empty world...one where sunlight shines lavishly through the lands but none reaches the truest hearts...one where winds sweep but leaves no impression upon the hastened consciousness of existence...one where spirits were forced into hiding and ensnared within their own deceiving protections...
One where every being exists but lives without living...we were dead. All of us...we were no longer in harmony, we have become a destructive force which would fulminate into a trillion pieces of realities that would never come together...we were killing each other...
We were losing contact, losing communication, and none knew deeper than the surface.
We were dying.
And perhaps, that is why we had to leave. That is why that ethereal world seems so faraway now...
So faraway...
When a long time ago I had once stood upon its very breathing earth...
Laughed in its very dancing presence...
Flew in its very knowing winds...
And existed in its very harmonious embrace...
So faraway...
When will I return...? When will I be able to step upon the lands of that world and live as one with all others...?
When will all things return to unity...?
When........
And as I question, the skies above continue to roll...the winds continue to blow...the grass continues to sway...
I was still a part of myself.
I was still a part of my world.
I was still one with me.
I am one.
And yet I am so faraway...
Yet my world is so faraway...
Faraway, not to be seen... ***~~~*The Winds struck at 4.42pm*~~~
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Hey...I'm sorry about not posting for such a long time, because I've been on a fanfic craze for the past few weeks writing about Eragon. Well, it is the toughest fanfic I've ever encountered and written, but I'm happy to take up the challenge. I've got quite a few blocks; Bren had helped me uncover some plotholes too, especially the dragons and all that, and I realized that I was straying a little away from CP's main plot. But since it's fanfic, and since it's already written, it's a challenge - and I'll take it up; passion is for naught if you don't face up to the problems which come with it.
Besides, speaking of challenge, I got back my SEI six seconds EQ report today. My EQ was 127. Okay, I'm pretty happy with it (did it as truthfully as I can), but I got a challenge for my "Empathy" category. It was darn high, almost reached the maximum. Lol! I have been aware that I tend to make use of empathy a lot, not like I act on them physically or visibly (I do things undercover n some of my closer pals know that), yet I never knew it had posed a challenge to me. Yup, it gets annoying at times when others' emotions influence me so much that it becomes so darn hard to ignore. It's a terrible millstone to take, at times, if you'd want to act on what you perceive.
Anyways...I'm really loving my fanfic a lot. I've got 13 reviews so far, not like it's very good and really forthcoming, but really...I just wanna ignore what others think of the fic for now. I'll be receptive to advice and criticism, of course, to improve myself, and work on others' encouragements too, but if ppl flame me I think I'll ignore. So far no flames yet, but what I'm going to introduce (to break my block and cover up a plothole) may not be very stable. But still, I admit it's fun to write. It is a challenge, of course, a terribly haunting one since it gets up my brain and all that. But really, it makes me feel that I've found another meaning for existence.
Expression.
Not like we can always express freely whatever we want, in this society, but at least...existence holds the essence of expression. While one exists, expression always pervades our very being. We always express, no matter what we do, where we are, when it is. It is what lives within us.
These few days I'm thinking of my world again. I was just lying down in bed one night a few days ago, and I visualized myself walking along this wet rocky bank beside a river in the forests. Above were tall rock walls, and in the distance a gray mountain. There was wind all around...leaves flying, flowers fluttering, trees swaying and groaning and everything. The water was clear as liquid crystal, though it was also so deep that I couldn't see anything underneath it. There was a bell in the wind; the shimmering sounds of bells...
And then I was standing in one of the green heaths with tall grass which lapped against my chest. The sky was a shade of crimson, burning clouds drifting...and ahead of me was another lone mountain. The sun was nearby, but not to be seen. The mountain was huge; it wasn't ice-capped, but it was brownish-gray, and it wasn't as tall as the ones I had previously stood upon in my world. And I began to step back, back from the mountain, and grass rustled against me.
Then I heard voices behind me, crying out to me. I turned and saw Emvelain and sis and bro hurrying forward, they were laughing and their faces were bright with joy as we revelled in our reunion. They held my hands and we ran closer to the end of the cliff, where we jumped and flew...we flew, Emvelain holding on to me to stop me from falling. There was an endless stretch of patched fields beneath us; we were so high above the ground it was almost like at the top of the world...there were no clouds, and the sky was blue...Emvelain was telling me, "have confidence in flying! Believe you can fly and you can get out of what holds you back!"
There was a resistance, but I believed him. I believed myself. And I tried my best...
I fell asleep afterwards.
Haiz. I never got to know what happened next, but at that time my visualization acted of its own accord. At the ending part whereby I was almost about to fall asleep, when Emvelain was encouraging me, it was as though half of myself was really inside that ethereal world. For a moment I really believed I was there, free, trying to fly...
Perhaps it never really happens here. Dreams are...nvrm.
I had a terrible dream yesterday, a nightmare, and I can't really remember much of it. I just know that there's this guy in my room (ok, real bedroom where I would be at night), and the bedside lamp was on (just like when I slept that time). I was screaming for 3 times, screaming out to my dad, 2 times during which I was dreaming in my dream and I was shouting for my dad - he didn't hear. The third time I was "awake in my dream" but kinda semi-conscious and I shouted at the top of my lungs, though I believe in reality I didn't cuz my parents weren't there.
Then I remembered, that guy told me one sentence which sounded something like "Dreams are the only times whereby you are fully open to spirits" and he told me to remain open. He told me to relax and not to close up to the spiritual connections. It's as though he's telling me, I shouldn't be afraid of him just because he was a spirit. But at that time I was so freaked out - it was as though he was really there. When I had that dream myself it was as though I was semi-conscious.
Nvrm. Weird dreams, weird spirits, weird tales. They may all piece up to something, but I'll have to wait for the time being.
Anyways, today the school introduced the Creative Arts Programme (CAP). I think I'm gonna apply for it; my passion is in writing and arts, even though I may not be at my max potential for it, but I believe I can try. At least, I'll try. Just hope that my mom allows and gives me enough time to prepare my portfolio. The only thing I'm scared about is the teacher's recommendation - hello, they can just degrade you and say "strongly disagree".
Not like I left any particular impression upon my eng teacher. If it's Damini she may back up like siao, but I haven't been opening up my full potentials to her. Nay, I don't do as well in school with the themes they provide. They're so darn restricted.
I just hope she's not bias, just hope she gives me a chance, and let me get through this. I want to nurture where I know my passion lies, and meet people of the same kind...
Oh please...
Okay. Gtg now, cyas.***~~~*The Winds struck at 2.52pm*~~~
Friday, October 17, 2008
Today's Friday. All the results are given back out, though I don't really seem inclined to discuss about them now. It's ok though, all passed, just that some subjects like Geog kinda had challenging papers and made me fare only...um...appropriately bah.
It's ok lah. I'm happy with English, 32/40, cuz that's one of the higher ones these year that I've got.
I'm kinda down today. Again. First I was having a tough sleep, and these two days I keep having dreams of battles or gunshots or wars or warlocks and I get wounded. I'm always the one who gets wounded, and this companion would come to help me. For yesterday's dream, I was another girl (short black hair) shot, and in the opponent team there was a guy who was monitoring my condition through my handphone, and even though I was aware of the possible danger, I left his spyware on. After a while I'm ok, and he stopped his spyware.
And before that part, I remember dreaming myself as a young child in a red dress with short black hair, and my parents were on both sides of me, holding my hands. We were going to a theme park, and I was having a second try for an inbuilt game set inside some huge building with erd neon lights. There were a series of events, and I told my parents I could fly.
They wanted me to prove it. After a while we were walking down this deserted street where dim red lanterns crisscrossed above and lit up the dry brown road, and I took a deep breath and let myself float in air. It's like levitation, and it happened so many times before. Somehow I just knew how to levitate in my dreams, but when it comes to real life, something blocks the energy from chanelling through. And my parents were awed as I drifted down the street.
So weird. Ok basically gtg damn soon, today watched Spirited Away at moelc, from 4.30 to 6.30. Reminds me to think of why such friendship never exists in this world.
Kayz gtg. Cyas, night, bye.***~~~*The Winds struck at 10.03pm*~~~
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Ahhhh!!! Taihen desu!!! I'm so sorry. Haven't been blogging even though exams ended last Friday, cuz I was busy reading Brisingr. Lying in bed and reading Brisingr till late into the night.
Gosh, Brisingr is AWESOME. AWESOME I TELL YOU. I can't wait for the fourth book!!!
It felt so...warming back then. So wondrous and inciteful and full of anticipation when Brendan first told me that Brisingr was out. I was like "WHAT? REALLY?" And I didn't know it!!! I've been forgetting about Eragon and Eldest for quite some time, maybe a year or two, since I last read finish the 2nd book.
But no, now it's back with a pang! And it's no longer the Inheritance Trilogy, it's the Inheritance Cycle now, with 4 books. How wonderful can this get? YES!!! Great job, Chris! Haha! He's doing a really blissful one, and conveying many things I'd like to convey to my readers in future including fanfics.
He's gotten more mature now. The way he portrayed things in his descriptions and stories are a tad of higher thinking than last time. It's true after all; you can really see a person through his or her works. I know there's much more in Chris, and I've only seen what's on the surface. But what's on the surface is already deep enough. I hold in reverance this author's great contribution to lightening my heart.
Really. It feels so nice to have Eragon in my mind once again. I can't believe I've been forgetting about it, what with all my distress and everything. But now it's back, he's back in my mind, Chris is writing more. And when I had it back, I felt so happy and as though I was in the world of Eragon. I wasn't in this world that I dreaded at times now; I was in Chris' world, I was watching everything happen before my mind's eye as I read his works. That is what I really enjoyed so much. It's as if I'm following Eragon and spying on him.
Just that...he didn't know I was there.
And sometimes that drives me off into a pang of longing. Not for Eragon, but for interaction. I long for interaction and communication and acknowledgement. What I feel, whenever I dive out of the book and realize that I'm still in my current world, I feel a sense of emptiness and great disappointment. It's just like waking up from a dream.
You'd never want it to end.
But it did, and things are always like that. I wonder if I'll cry before death. But since I'm starting to view it from the dimensional point of view, there's not much to fear, right? Not much to fear. Everything has a beginning and an end, and another beginning in the end. It's a cyclical process.
I really wish that...I don't know. I mean...many things in this world give me such pangs of loneliness and longing that I really want to be part of them. But how can I, if I'm separated by reality, barred off from entrance into the world of imaginations and...
I don't know. I really don't know. I'm so lost myself, I'm confused why I'd want to go to Eragon's world. It's full of fighting, murder, assassination, pressure, and difficult tasks...shadows, darkness, evils, enemies, betrayal...
But I realized there're also the wonderful things intertwined with such fates. Friendship, trust, love, hope. The way Saphira and Eragon were so close together made me want to scream in desperation within myself. The way things always came out to favour the good side. The way people would always arouse to defeat those who defeated them before. The way they used magic. The way they manipulated trust. The way they...established bonds.
The way they had loved each other, even in the midst of hatred, made me yearn for such things to really exist in this world.
But look around, the Africans, slave trades from history, barbaric wars, unfair distributions of food, starvations, economical giants who have everything in control...
Isn't this like living under Galbatorix?
Perhaps without the direct cruelty. But it is even worse, if you'd want to know. Such hidden ways of harming people may go undetected, and might not even be able to draw things to a final verdict. Take China's melamine milk powder, for instance, the way they could just harm the younglings of the Global Village.
Global Village.
Shouldn't this name strike us with shame? Global Village.
Why isn't it Global City?
Think. The word village itself, what does it mean? It means peace and harmony, love, trust, innocence, pure friendship, joy, freedom and most of all; a family. We're a family, the whole world is. But where is the love?
Are we walking away from unity, from our fathers and mothers, just like that?
Why, why would you throw away the excess food when there're Third World countries out there starving and stunting and wasting???
THINK!!! The world is not crazy. I know that as well as everybody does. But many have their minds corrupted by the desires for wealth, materialistic comforts, and a satisfaction that can be regarded as pure hollow.
I don't know what they're thinking. I don't know what I am thinking. I don't know what WE are thinking.
Is this how a family should be? Is it???
I don't care. What I meant about family isn't my type of family; I didn't mean the screaming sessions and craziness and losing it and no communications...like what happened last Friday. I screamed in my parents' because I lost it. I didn't know what I was thinking, I lost my senses, I was just practically a shrieking wreck.
I was stressed. I know my parents were, too, but somehow that has happened so many times, and so many times it couldn't be resolved with mere talking as we don't communicate, that I had to express everything in outbursts. In terrific outbursts. Just to awaken.
Everything broke loose. It was living hell for me at that moment. I remember my mom asking questions such as "very few beastly children who go crazy like you!"
And I screamed, "there are also very few parents like you who make their children go crazy!"
And there were many others. I think I said things such as "I'm crazy, that's it! I'm crazy!" And when my mom talked about another junior girl who scores really well everytime, I couldn't take it anymore.
So many people ahead of me. Xuan Xuan, Shan Shan, Zi Yan, Tian Jiao, Natasha...It's a never-ending list. And I screamed "WHO CARES ABOUT HER! I DON'T CARE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I WANT MY OWN RIGHTS, BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE THEM, AND YET I'M NOT!"
And my mom was saying, "WHY DO U KEEP CARING ABOUT UR OWN RIGHTS?"
"BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THEM! I NEED THEM! I WANT MY OWN RIGHTS! I'M BORN WITH IT, HELL!!!"
"WHY?"
"BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO BE ALIVE AND LIVE, NOT BE DEAD AND LIVE."
I'm shuddering at memories of that. It was the first time I really went crazy, and I locked myself in the room crying like siao. Said things to myself such as "Omg I'm crazy I'm crazy hahaha I'm crazy now what the hell..." and I tried to imagine my younger bro standing in-front of me so I could hug him.
I hugged the air. I hugged the pillows, hugged my piano, hugged the window, hugged myself. I was out of my mind then. Really out of my mind. I cursed the world, I cursed the stupid society that I'd always been against in certain situations recently. I really hated everything. There was raw hatred within me, and raw sorrow. Those emotions were wondrously wrecking.
Luckily I have Brisingr now. Seeing how Chris is there (I feel that he's an Indigo) outside trying to awaken the world through his writings, I feel real comforted. There're so many authors and artists out there who're still trying to make people realize, to make truth dawn on this earth as it should have many centuries ago. It should have, and it didn't.
That's why it's extra hard to realize what we're doing now, and what lies ahead of us.
And anyway, Wing broke with Ant yesterday. They broke up, cuz Wing's mom forced them to. Ant was kinda sad so I counselled him for a long time today once I got home, and I hope my adviced has reached his ears well.
I remember counselling him by trying to show him that decision-making and empathy and forgiveness was very important. Also, trust, and of course, moving on. Letting go and moving on, the two vital hinderers many lovers face in their journey.
All the while I've been empathizing. As in...visualizing things from his point of view and provoking the same type of emotions in myself as he would have. And I tried to forge a way out of him, but I made it clear that even while I'm counselling, I will not say things that many counsellors say. Eg. "Let's work together for this", and instead I said, "No, you'll have to do it yourself."
What I really meant was: even though I may be there for him now to guide him and show him a way out, I can never be there always. He would have to seek within his own heart to find his own guidance, for that will be where everything comes along as life passes. Life is of such multiple folds whose magnitude we can never estimate, and it is vital to know that not all things will come in your favour everytime.
This is to survive.
And I'm happy that I helped him with it. It was the longest counselling talk I've ever given anyone, and I'm happy it worked. At least...I gave him much of the guidance I could give.
And I really wanna start on my own story soon! Legacies Ennead! It's haunting me in my head ahhh!!!
An Eltheron. Omg poor Eltheron. He comes into my dreams too, and the two of us have a type of strange connection. Fancy I'm his creator lol.
Kz. Oh yea, I got 36 /50 for math today. Not the best I wanted, BUT I DIDN'T FAIL! THERE WERE PPL WHO FAILED!!! YES!!! I MEAN, I WASN'T AMONG THE PPL WHO FAILED!!!
I'M SO DARN HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!! And originally i should have gotten 38, but minus 2 for presentation and units.
Woo hOOOOO!!!!
Shoot. Physics tomorrow.
Nvrm, wets my candle of mind.
Cyas, gtg now! I'm happy I helped and played my part as Lightworker. I managed to help anthony, even though it's not by light healing. XD I should try that too, but I hope my words will do him enough good for now.
BB, night!***~~~*The Winds struck at 8.56pm*~~~
Thanks to all the blogs the designer referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
