" height="40" playcount="2"/>
Friday, April 30, 2010
Really, what?
Somehow a seemingly, perfectly fine friendship just died off. No sound, without even a breath - it just left. Leaving one standing alone feeling completely, absolutely, utterly confused.
It hurts you know? I never knew it could hurt so bad. After 3 years of relative peace in friendship one would expect a constancy in that pattern of things. The last one was in P6 and I had been so determined to make it my last, I even tried to patch up that friendship during P6 graduation thinking I wanted to graduate without any grudges, awkwardness, enmity or anything. Who knew a new one would come? At this time? And worse still, this one's odder. She wouldn't tell me what's wrong, and subsequently I didn't know until I managed to find out partially on my own.
Okay. So the problem here apparently is that I have appeared to her to be uncaring when she emos, too stressed over the illustrations to care, and have appeared as a so-called friend unworthy of her acknowledgement. Okay.
I get it. I get it just fine.
So all those times when I've been trying to listen, trying to give advice in whatever way I hoped was right, attempting to help her fight her self-esteem problems, these have all gone down the drain. Maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe it wasn't of an appropriate degree. Maybe it was totally unnoticed. Maybe it just wasn't, appropriate, or utterly in the wrong aspect of consolation.
Maybe some things would've been in a better state if they were just left be.
I feel so...weird. Depressed is not the only word, really, there are so many others I have no idea how to list them. To think that amongst all the sucking and dying academics, friend-less mugger class, my own self-esteem problems, deadline submissions, parents' not understanding everything, and more and more shit piling up on the way...man sec 3 sucks. It sucks. It sucks so bad I just wish I could kill myself and get over it.
Bursting at the seams? I suppose so. In an adverse way. Of all the sec 3 suckism FRIENDSHIP is the LEAST expected item on my list, if even listed at all. Give me a break. I don't need more turmoils. I don't need more unnecessary stress. I don't need more misunderstandings.
No one can be perfect you know. No one. Even if I want to I can't care for every-single-damn-person who's around me!! I'm a perfectionist and that I know very well - it's bad enough attempting to attend to the friends I have, who are kept at a few because I DON'T like missing anyone out, and that is already nigh impossible. I try. I want you to know I f*cking try, ok? Sorry for not attending to you enough. Sorry for not being a damn good friend. Sorry for not being the most perfect person in the world.
Yeah, sorry for having lived and met you.
I know I have socializing problems. My standards for friends are so high...they're really high, seriously. All my classmates couldn't make it - they're acquaintances. But she managed to. She actually managed to make it past that level and I considered her as my friend; I trusted her, just like I trust every one of my other friends. Wow, to have that trust betrayed so cleanly...wow.
If that feels like "breaking up", then love must be a thousand times worse.
Thursday will be the last day. Yeah. Then everything can be pushed aside along with the f*cking illustrations.
I really wish I can just stop being so friggin' bothered by friendship. Making new friends is so tiring. I knew I was not one for it, I'm just not one for things ok? I screw up in all the stuff I do. Almost all at least. People are getting scholarships and honours and acknowledgements and all forms of recognition and I'm stuck in a dark, emo loner hole wishing for a dream that can never come true...and then snapping back to reality to face my parents and expectations, to face life, to face crazy weird things that happen out of the blue every now and then.
"Out of the blue every now and then". How ironic.
I'm damn confused now. I know I should be writing something more rational because after reading the journals I really did know now, at least I've gotten an inkling of what the heck happened that resulted in this friendship thing. But I can't. I can't! Everything is overflooding, it's getting overwhelming, I need to pour it out before I explode.
School is crazy enough. No social problems please thank you. Just, please. If I haven't already had enough then I'm going to soon.
Why are friendships so hard and tricky? Why are there heartbreakers and backstabbers and traitors and misunderstandings and just. utter. crap?!
F*ck off, life. Just f*ck off. ***~~~*Dreamt with the Winds at 11.41pm*~~~
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Browsed through some of my older posts and realised I had promised right after I came back from China that, well, I'd post some of the paintings and drawings I did. Just that in this case they wouldn't be limited only to those that I did in China, but some are from that period of time. I just discovered the wonders of Painttool SAI about a couple of weeks ago and am absolutely in love with it - you'll see what I mean. 8DThey're in, er, reverse-chronological order (lol) by the way, from newest to oldest.________________________________________________
________________________________________________Out of which "Ruminations" and "Shishou no Ishi" are done in Painttool SAI. The rest are in Photoshop CS4. ^^Phew. 'Ts been such a long time since I last uploaded something arty here, eh? I've been filling the blog up with ceaseless ramblings, should recognise a limit somewhere.So here's ending off a colourful post in hope for a colourful future! Cheers~!***~~~*Dreamt with the Winds at 10.22*~~~
After yesterday's mindless ramble I feel so much better now, like, somewhat back to myself again. Revived. I feel a relatively significant lift in my confidence reserves and, well, getting a bit optimistc about my future (albeit still kind of gloomy regarding the entire picture) - which is usually not so commonly observed in my daily interactions with the world, but I guess exceptions could be welcomed once in a while. :)
Thanks, really.
Ah so on to today...uneventful, I mean rather uneventful, but there were a few unexpected thingums that happened for a good change. You know the Tempest? Oh scratch that, of course you don't, since I haven't been blogging. Well anyway it's this play from Shakespeare's famous literary work, and apparently ordering of tickets and stuff were supposed to have been settled like 2 months before, which were, but...my SAP cum Lit RA friend today suddenly told me she couldn't attend the play and asked if I could go in her place - which was like in the last 2 minutes before the meeting time and left me rushing like crazy to the foyer. Having a certain English teacher in charge of the whole thing doesn't really help the situation either, you know.
Actually I didn't mind. I was in fact rather glad about the change; I could skip SAP for the entire afternoon, since I was not really looking forward to awkward moments whereby the teacher would stare at my horrendous self-considered completed PT, and I got to watch something LITty(!) in which I was actually interested. The thing was at Esplanade, which is like...central or something. Bus ride was too short. =_= I was hoping for a nice bit of air-conditioned break.
So yeah the play itself was really, REALLY nice. Screw not understanding like 70% of the show due to thick accents and notorious Elizabethan English and not knowing the plot beforehand - AND reading the synopsis only very briefly - but, BUT, the acting was downright awesome. There were comedy scenes which wrenched laughter out of the entire hall's worth of audience, and by that I mean it was absolutely funny. Man these guys sure know how to act.
They are, after all, professionals, and I have to say every clap in the eventual applause was rightfully well-earned.
I had no idea how to get to the MRT from the Esplanade after the play. QAQ Stuck around with Hui Yie and Anissa - who left halfway with her sis to hitch a taxi - and it just so happened that HY and I both took the red line so we travelled together. I just feel kind of cheated that her stop was only 11min away whilst mine was 47. Yes, I remember the exact numbers. -.o
Oh well. To sum it up today was a relatively good day. New philo teacher, interesting chem lesson (Doctor Slatter's very entertaining Acidic experiments o.<), cool Chinese block, slack periods, congress hogging CLE...and reminds me, tomorrow I have FREE BLOCK! That's like the ultimate magic word. *starry eyed*
And RS. >.> But that's the last and after that Cher gets to come to my house anyway so that wouldn't really make much of a difference.
*Sigh* Now I'm only left with Physics Assignment...which is like only 2 pages but also AKAed my worst nightmare...or in this case ONE of my worst nightmares. Seniors have died in physics, you know.
I wouldn't be surprised if I joined in the assemblage one day.
I sincerely hope not. =.=***~~~*Dreamt with the winds at 9.53pm*~~~
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Hey...*hugs bloggie tightly* I know I've been neglecting you for the past couple of months, without an explanation for my absence too, so I would like to say I'm really, really sorry. I somehow realised today that I desperately need to blog again...life is just...well, it's just not right, you know?
Let's just say it's going downhill, fast. A new year, new class, new committments...you see me in January (or was it Feb) enthusiastically announcing my resolutions for 2010 and thinking I was really in for a great time - and then vhwoom, it's April, some random inserts of my dampening moods inbetween, but it's April and I'm back, and I believe I've changed quite some bit if not a lot. I feel myself changing so much lately, in adverse ways that is.
I don't...feel like myself anymore. It's not just the crappy school committment thing that's getting to me, there's also the way everything is eating out of my own social and personal life, and how I can't seem to find time to take care of my own - and in a sense, my friends' too - well-being anymore. Drawing is kind of like out of the question for regular days...if you don't count the meagre amounts of doodle time filched during classes. And yes, my class, that horrible social prison I would find myself stuck in for the coming 2 years without a proper friend and everything. I don't like this. I really don't like this. Why can't I simply evade these things like I used to last time, or find a way to end them???
And then an even greater problem that's like the major ego-crusher for me is, surpisingly, ART. I mean I really love it and all, and really attempt to do my best in it, yet I can't help but feel depressed when I see all those pros' works before me while I screw up lots of things in SAP. It's got more factors than just...being kiasu, if you call it that way. I feel really sorry, both helpless and apologetic, as if I have not lived up to my SAP teacher's expectations (and I believe I really haven't) and I'm trying vainly to redeem myself of whatever good impressions that might ever be left in her. I kind of feel guilty, you know. To disappoint someone again.
And again. And again. The list is endless.
Things are a total mess now, I feel so useless. Out of place. Life just goes on and I float through stuff like I'm lost or something.
You know, sometimes when I walk down 310 or 314 and stuff and sees Az and Cher with their friends I can't help but feel this twinge of...jealousy, or was it some kind of...desperate longing? Maybe it's a mixture of both. I keep asking myself why some things just can't be the way they could have turned out - but I also keep answering myself that "it's reality". It's true. Reality hurts. It hurts to be a friggin' damn idealist in this hard, down-to-earth world.
*Sigh* I know I'm getting really desperate, not to mention I'm still holding most of the things in, but, really, after a few months I really feel the need to let some stuff out. Everything's so confusing, it's like losing it in a sense, albeit really slowly. If I can't find a way out of everything I really dunno what I could or might do...
Someone. Just, someone.
What should I do? How should I continue with this screwed-up life??? Just WHAT direction should I follow??
I really don't know anymore. I'm sick of life in this world and sick of this f*ing year 2010 too.
Wish I could go home soon.***~~~*Dreamt with the winds at 9.57*~~~
Thanks to all the blogs the designer referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
