Wandering with the Wind...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I feel TERRIBLE. Today's one of the COUNTLESS miserable days of my life so far...First of all...and the MAIN ROOT of my misery...is my realization that I've been overtaken by my language opponent Zera-san in learning Japanese.

She's so...miraculous. I know I can't blame her for doing her best and getting the desired results, in fact I should have sportsmanship and kinda like...congratulate her or something. But in truth, sometimes feelings don't go according to moral values. I hate myself sometimes...I feel that I'm such a bad person. I've started getting JEALOUS. DAMMIT...Jealousy always makes me feel stupid. As though I'm already at the bottom and I'm trying to pull on the legs of others who're MUCH taller.

It was the first Jap lesson after the hols, and I've just begun to realize that Zera-san has overtaken me in the lesson, in memorizing of sentence structures and Japanese grammar/vocab etc, and accent / oral speech. She's basically overtaken me in everything about Jap. And Ang Sensei seems to like her more now...she called her thrice in class to answer questions when I was only called once.

I feel as though I'm penning my thoughts childishly like what a 5-year-old kindergartener would do. I feel helplessly stupid. Hopeless. Empty. What's wrong with me? It's like...in this school, I'm SOOOOO unacceptably inconfident. Darn...everywhere's top pupils. Great cheeps. And now I can't even find a subject I'm best in.

Not even Japanese.

What kind of crap is this...-.- It's as though, like I said in the first post, I've lost my pillar of support in times of darkness. There's nothing I can look to now. I feel so lost, lost that there's totally absolutely NOTHING to pull me up when I'm down. I've had so many academical burdens already...Math, physics...Damn.

Now I'm not in the mood to bother about keeping my face anymore. If I type something funny, go ahead and laugh. I might look and feel mature but actually I have pretty childish sides too. Like jealously. Inconfidence. Cursing. Thinking life's not good. It's good on the material side, heavenly, but...I dunno. I feel terribly hollow and deprived of SOMETHING that I don't know.

Honestly, I feel sad. You know how much it hurts to just suddenly drop from a position in your ONLY lead subject that you've been trying SO DAMN HARD to maintain? When I was silently sitting in the chair practising the lines over and over so that I can bring up a perfect answer for Ang Sensei if she calls me...Zera-san gets to answer that question. And each time I'll count how many times she's been called, and how many times I've been called. I just feel wretched. It hurts.

It hurts to think you're no longer good in a subject you've been so good in before.

And I feel terrible for Ang Sensei. I don't blame her for anything, I mean, it's common to just start disliking a student because you think she's not hardworking enough, did not meet your expectations...she just slips out of your mind. Forgotten as time goes. The problem is...I dunno if sensei knows I'm working.

Since I've graduated from primary school, I've changed. I no longer pull debts on homework, I do my best in everything especially subjects I like and am good at. Such as Jap. But it's not like everytime I can meet up to expectations and set standards...occasionally it gives me that squirming feeling when I disappoint somebody. It just...sucks. Makes me feel like a weakling. I dunno...I'm just such a stupid girl, am I not?

I know Ang Sensei is our sensei, she's got handfuls of students out there who're like jewels in her hands...

I used to be one of them, I think. And now I'm not.

Sometimes I really feel like crying over this. Give it a good hard cry and get done with it. I don't know why...this makes me feel even more wretched than not being recognised by the teacher from the start. At least you don't have that guilty feeling and a vain desperation to catch up with the opponents...

Perhaps I'm just more obstinate than Zera-san. I'm not as hardworking. I'm not as...obedient. I'm not as friendly. I'm not as good. There're lots of things I'm not as...?...as others. Zera-san asks questions. I don't really do to Ang Sensei. -.-

I felt terribly guilty when Zera-san brought up that worksheet at the end of class to ask Ang Sensei about it. It's like...she's just so good. She clears her own queries, she organizes her own studies. I relatively...suck. I've been anticipating this first Japanese lesson after the hols for like...so enthusaistically. And all I got to know today is that I've been overtaken, and kinda neglected gradually. That I've been beaten from my position. This...haiz...no words to describe...

And I don't have a best friend. I've been searching for a satisfactory comfort for so long...to fill up the gaps in my heart, to make me feel...less hollow and FULL like I used to feel in P6. Tiffy came up with lots of comforts but...they don't seem to come to the hurting point. They "bulls-eye" everywhere else but...I dunno. And I never will know.

I just wanna say...Sorry Ang Sensei. Even though I'm sure you won't see this. And gratz Zera-san, I've decided that I should have some sportsmanship afterall. I'm not the last in Jap class, I'm still among the top few, so I shouldn't be an idiot and mop over such trivial stuff...though Ang Sensei does seem to kinda neglect me a little now. Not as good as before. That gives me a cold feeling but...I guess I'll try to overcome it. I've got Azzy, Jonny, Tiffy and all those good friends...I shouldn't mourn too much I guess.

Haiz...

Okay anyway I felt like a ghost floating throughout the school today. It was terrible...I wanted to sleep like...in every lesson. Sleepiness just took me like...I'm a prisoner. I understood the lessons, but everybody who talks just seems to be speaking beyond a vield. An invisible vield which separates us, and I seem to be hearing what they're saying without really processing it to the fullest in my mind. Also it's as though I was more distant to the world, leaving it to another place. All about it's like...one part of my mind's here and the other part's off. In some other place. Perhaps the astral plane? We do cross over occasionally in our waking times too.

At this rate...I'm gonna fall sick. School's so busy that getting sick seems a luxury. Lol...

I'm childish. I'll conclude that for today. I'm childish as always, as any child at my age should be. I still feel jealousy, though I know it's a natural human process, and I feel depressed over small stuff. You can call this petty but yeah...don't try to talk sense into me when I'm sad.

Words of wisdom don't always work.

Just a brief cover-up of philo lessons today...yeah, our teacher's a male and was terribly hilarious. We had a tussle over Plato's saying of "men as cavemen living in a cave, and behind there're lights with people playing shadow puppets, and all we see are shadows" so yea...it was supposed to mean that life could be illusions. That all things had a certain degree of uncertainty and we can't be sure it's the truth.

LOL and Damini said "if everything is uncertain, then we can't be sure if that Plato philospher even knows what he's talking about." LOL bwahahahahhaaa...that's terribly funny. And then we were joking about this "True and not true thing" until the end of class, and the philo teacher stuck himself in the middle of the exit while talking to a teacher.

So I was like "since things are uncertain, we can't be sure if he's really here in the door. So pals, let's CHARGE!!!" Bwahahahhaaaaaa....I love philo.

Okay, terrible day today, but philo was a good cheer. So yeah, I think I gotta go. Eat dinner...do homework...sleep...tomorrow there's NCC Air. Haiz...Another tiring day.

I'll say an early "night".

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~~~*The Winds struck at 8.39pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 8:03 PM

Roaming the Winds