Wandering with the Wind...

Friday, July 11, 2008

Hey guys...back again as usual. I don't think I can write much today cuz it's already around 11 o'clock, and I'll have to wake up a lil earlier tomorrow to start of on English summary...-.- Which means alarm clocks. I've gotten sick of them already.

Today's Friday but it was only nice and relieving when I was in school. I don't know why...once I came home, I felt terribly lonely. Dad's flying to America tonight for a conference and he'll be back by next Saturday...I feel so terrible and emo. Though I know I shouldn't be feeling so...wait...there're isn't such a thing as "you SHOULDN'T be feeling so" cuz feelings have their own natures. They reflect their own personalities. That's what I hate about society sometimes...they think it's easy to control your own emotions that well.

Or perhaps they're the ones who wanna gain control.

It was lonely. Haiz...when I stuck in the key I just felt this bout of despair rolling over...like there's nobody at home and I'm left alone to wait. Again. Just that this time it was a lil better due to Onigiri, Dango and Omusu's presence...sometimes I do realise that I've started to treasure my hamsters as the only family members I could really get along well with. It's sad at times but...-.-

And the first thing mom did when she came home, at around 9 something pm, was to scold me because I left a few bags on the floor, I didn't help them wash the dishes, I didn't do anything. She was in a terrible mood because Dad only got to know that he had to go for conference tonight in the evening, so she released her anger upon me. It was RIDICULOUS. I didn't even say anything and I was expecting at least a "Hi" after so many hours waiting for her...and she scolded me. For no reason at all.

Perhaps that's what it's like to be an Indigo. We have terribly hard childhoods an teenage years...I've come to see that it's true. I feel hopeless. Yesterday I kinda cried in bed again at night due to frustration. I don't know how it came about...I was just visualizing a few scenes in Spirited Away and emptiness crashed forth when I berated reality for why such things never happened. If you look around, you don't see such friendship anywhere. Any time. None at all.

Nobody's really always there for you like inscribed in the dreams of writers and artists, because right now the world has evolved so much it's impossible to start a simple plain friendship that will last forever. Many only care for themselves, and fail to empathize with others' feelings when they're in need.

The worst thing comes when these happen on a daily basis and we're forced to hide it...for adults' sake. For our parents. For people who believe that emotions are to be fully controlled and no matter what, we're supposed to like whatever we do. Hating our lives appeared to be childish in this society. However, that's happening to me right now.

It was terrible yesterday. I just felt EMPTY. HOLLOW. You've seen these two words a lot of times before but the prob is, you'll keep seeing it till it goes away. I don't think it ever will -.- as it leaves too deep a marking. Thinking of the years I've left in this world, and thinking that I'd have to endure many things I totally suck at through all these long dark years, made me yearn for ascension to come earlier even more. I just wanted people to realize, to break out from their own little 3rd dimensional world, to be aware of more that's happening around them.

I only managed to calm down and get comfort after I've visualized my world again...talked to Emvelain, to sis, to bro. They were real nice...we were sitting in this mountain cave and outside there was rain and all that...it was like a storm. And we were huddled there, in the heights, and if you looked down you could see that flattened field of damp yellowish grass in the rain which I'd used to stand in and listen to music dancing in the wind. There was the wind too. We did feel like a small warm family...the four of us, plus the wind which felt like...seriously, it felt like both a guardian AND a cute little pet! ^^

Like what bro said, I see to that that pioneering isn't easy. At ALL. We're uncertain of our future, where we should head and go for, what are the right times to take action. We know we have something at hand and we're always the truth-seekers, seekers of something beyond common knowledge which we ourselves are not fully conscious of.

I still wonder how I should try and raise the earth's vibrational energies for the ascension. So far I've been trying visualization, and trying tapping into wider consciousness which might be a pretty hard thing to get as things may be illusions. I've also been trying to access the light dimension more frequently these days, and the crown chakra pressure also comes along very often. As what they said, pressure at the crown chakra only means the pineal gland absorbing more light. It came to me naturally and more frequently. Could this be for the ascension? Who knows.

Okay, out from the spiritual pool, we're in to real life now. Today Japanese was fun. I managed to dump the file into the pile today for file-check before , and besides in the lesson Ang Sensei called me twice to answer questions. I think I've gotten over the "Zera-san" problem now and I'm pretty back to normal. Haha yeah as I said, I'm still a little aware of my opponents' progress though.

Azzy says that this may be because of the way my parents brought me up. That I'm so competitive in things and I hate to lose out, and fall from positions I once used to uphold. She says that despite my mask, she's been thinking that such environments must have had some impact on me...as in, I shouldn't have seemed so normal and happy like any other kid. Well...the truth is, I hide everything. I carry them in an intricate fragile pouch, and only break it when I'm alone. I'd cry my heart out then.

And the reason why I'm competitive is not only because of my parents. It is because Jap is so far the ONLY thing I'm good at academically, besides Chinese and perhaps literature. The society doesn't recognize anything besides acadmics and education, and gosh darnit even arts!!! They only recognize you after you've won one of those STUPID AWARDS they've flagged arts with! It's stupid, you know. These people, who claim that they have - what? Master art degree??? They don't even understand that art is not something to use to compete. You don't do ART COMPETITIONS. Art is an EXPRESSION. Idiots.

I've worked hard for it, I don't wanna lose it in one go. That's who I am.

Went for trainfire yesterday at the NCC Campus. REAL COOL AND FUUUUUUNNNN man!!!! Damn cool. XD We got to hold and do some stuff using F16 rifles, which are pretty heavy for us (sergeants used this as a reason for MORE PTs noooooo) and caused our arms to tremble non-stop even after we've set them down. I had to time for the platoon because suddenly they called for a timer change and nobody was responding, so my voice just came out and I started timing. Lol. Interesting...how my courage shows itself sometimes.

We learnt shooting and aiming positions, stripping and reassembling a rifle, some simple arms drill and all that...real fun though our arms hurt. Oh and Julie and Ee Wen made a confession! That even though not all part Cs love us, THEY DO!!! Omg I wanted to cry lol. So moved. Awwwww..........well, I've got a very bad feeling that they've been thinking, from what I've observed (their speech, their eyes, their expressions), that we hate them along with the CCA. It's wrong though. I do love them as our seniors. They're really...really really nice. ^^

Today for Chinese lesson, the teacher got HAPPY with my writing!!! I didn't expect that though. Denise guessed I'd write about wind because she thinks it's my element (somebody in my dream also told me that mine was wind) and in the end...I did choose to write about wind instead of the sea. I found it easier to write about something you've had lots of contact with...especially since it exists all around in my world it feels as though it's in me.

Anyway today going back home...Tiffy rode on my bike for this certain length of a road and she was paddling damn fast, and I ran along trying to stabilize her on her bike and yeah...we fell lol. Hit my leg. But yeah, it's okay...not hurting anymore. IT'S OKAY TIFFY!!! DAIJYOUBU DESU!

Tomorrow going to watch Raffles Ringers concert in the KS Chee with Jia Hui tomorrow. XD Can't wait.

Okay, it's late, I've gotta go...cya guys. Nightie! Sweet dreams and take care. Same goes for Bro on the other side of the world! XD

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~~~*The Winds struck at 11.29pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 10:56 PM

Roaming the Winds