Wandering with the Wind...

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Hey there once again...I think I have a little time left before mom forces me to sleep so I'll type out my CLE Diary for you guys to read. Laugh all you want if you think I'm stupid. o.O It's pretty long anyway...so yeah...here goes:

Dear Diary,

I guess since you're still one of my diaries, I'll try to pen down everything as truthfully as possible...Firstly, what I need to say is that ever since this year, I've been feeling terribly empty, empty as in like I'm drained of water like a dried well and yet there isn't the water to fill me back up. This is, in truth, one of the most terrible feelings (besides depression, anger, frustration and jealousy) that I've ever had. It is a combination of lots of harmful emotions that drill me out hollow.

Come to think of it, if I ever want to talk about friendship, I'd say I don't mix in with the flow. I'm not denying the FACT that I'm good in my own way, no matter how much others just seem to overtake me. It's the culture of this school. Competition. Glory. Success. And behind all that, we have the tears shed by some on their paths to success. However, why don't we think about some different types of tears, tears of frustration, despair, loneliness, tears which don't eventually emerge into the glory of their hopes and wishes?

We never really care about THESE people. Society just follows cliches, those old dank traditions long set by people who, in one way, can be believed as highly philosophical but, on the other hand, stupid. Mere stupid. Or rather, one-track mind.

I mean, we've always heard about "behind all the glory hides all the tears" but come on, this is REALITY, it's reality you're dealing with. This isn't the 5th dimension or something. Things don't just go the way we think it does; while some people climb to succeed, others fall. Not due to pure fear of competition at first sight, but rather too much competition which leads to this sense of fear being instilled. No ONE person is wrong. It's the society to blame.

Like I said, everywhere we see cliches, sticking to antique traditions like they're our only lifeline. Sorry to say, sometimes I feel that this world can get really stupid on certain occasions. If you look around closely, lots of troubles and harmful thoughts are generated by humans ourselves. Why jealousy? Simple. Competition. Why competition? Greed. Why greed? A desperation to meet our goals. Why desperation? Because the world is filled with a mould you can't break out of.

Because the society doesn't believe we can.

To break it down like this, we'll be able to see how we're corrupting our own innocence and originally healthy minds. A recent trip back to China over the June hols brought me to a shock which, though I knew this must have existed all around, seemed much closer than I thought. Theft. My mom's wallet got stolen, and at first I was really furious and annoyed about that thief but after I cooled down, I began to think differently.

Well, we can't blame the theives as in really pushing all the fault to them; my mom's guilty of this too. She was reckless, careless to leave her handbag on the trolley and walk away to shop for goods. Let's break this down again. Firstly, this fella spotted that wonderful goal and due to greed, he striked. And why he had this greed, is because he is inconfident of his future, that he had fallen in this cruel fast-paced society and had given up trying to climb back up again. He was drained of energy, enough to turn to the other resort. To him, it was his last resort.

I know I might have sounded very harsh and as though I'm so arrogant and thinks that everything is stupid. But being harsh is part of what one must have to SURVIVE right here in this world; sorry to say, humans created this, so we'll have to bear up to the consequences outselves. Unfair indeed, but it's a sad truth. Hopefully someone will step up to resolve this, but I doubt he or she will be recognised...But all the same...it's a small small wish of mine.

If I'd ever be given a chance to question the society, I'd challenge them this: What, in truth, is the definition of "being civilised"? What did you think? People wrapped in leatherskins trying to fork up some mammoths? Or rather lurking behind office doors with that poker face, looking for the time to strike in a cold silent war called "competition"?

To make this simple, I'll classifly "being uncivilised" into two types. First, the mammoth one, is a surface uncivilisation. The other one is an evolved version, it is an inner uncivilisation, a corruption of minds, a twist of the heart. THIS new type of uncivilisation, present in modern society, isn't something you can change by merely "teaching" them something. You know, it's different from showing a stone age fellow how to use a television. This current type of uncivilisation is something VERY serious, something which roots from the heart of society which links to the hearts of people, like servers of a webpage.

It's too late to change now. Even I am, though I'm writing all this, uncivilised. Internally. I hate to admit this, but it's true. Those voids of complex emotions have subconsciously taken over our minds, and we're not here to stop or change it, for time cannot rewind; we're here to stem it, to prevent it from worsening. People have said so many things like "be the change you want to see in the world" but in truth, all we have to do is to stop the deterioration. It isn't THAT hard as to change the world, spiritually, because while we're changing the world constantly with advanced and sophisticated technology, we're neglecting the other side.

Somehow it's pretty ridiculous how we try out things and claim them to be the resolution of a problem when in fact it is not. For example, this time in the 2009 Head Prefect Campaign Speech, Qi Qi said "I will organize more activities for the school to be more fun" when actually all that the students wanted to do was to go home early and sleep. It's a miscommunication of some sort. I can't say that all teachers are enthusiastic about activities either; I'm sure they'd like some rest. Then why are we stressing out both sides with something we're not really up to?

Sometimes this happens with my family too. Miscommunication. Or rather, not even communicating appropriately. I understand that my parents work and are very tired but on certain occasions...I'd really like to tell them about some stuff. But they'd shut me out, saying "hurry up and go study" or "don't keep wasting time! You could've used this time to read more books! 5 minutes to talk is already enough!" It's really hurting.

I remember how I tried to cope with lots of sadness, frustration, anger and some other stuff...without any outlet or something. It's hard over the first few months, but after that I got used to it. That's really sad but I have to adapt, don't I? Now it's like...I can even say that I feel rather awkward whenever I tell them something about my personal life. I'd have to rehearse everything in my mind before bearing up to continue.

So I lived with it for around 2 years and 7 months. Even now. When Mrs Jay said about how she cried and got frustrated over her feared exam, that happened to me a lot of times. Especially in P6 and Sec 1, when my worst subject is Math and I just could not improve. I remember how my parents had piled heaps of scoldings, beatings, anger, frustration and despair unto me; they had used me as an outlet for their frustration, their despair of why they had gotten such an idiotic child. And what did I use as an outlet for MY feelings?

My mind. I used my mind. I had absolutely hated myself, thought that I was the lousiest thing in the world and that I was a coward, an idiot who didn't even know what others knew. I would line up all the revision books in-front of me and start crying in anguish, sometimes tearing the paper with my pen as I wrote. I hated myself, my life, despised education and reality. I was indulged in my own dream world, searching for dream patterns to lead me to the truth, and yet I didn't know what truth I was searching for. I also created my own personal world, a place that is terribly empty and lonely with mountains, oceans, skies...I would visualize it as though it's reality.

And I'm still doing so now. Knowing that this place still exists in my mind and belief gives me lots of comfort, and I would imagine my spiritual elder brother and sister being there for me, and a friend who wanted me to call him "bro". We would wander all around with no worries and everyday was a new adventure. Occasionally there would be storms but we usually overcame them together. At night we would sit on a slab of rock facing the sea, and listen to my sister playing the flute as we carried on with our picnic, admiring the spray of stars above. We could walk on water, fly, laugh until the whole world echoes with our laughter. We were free.

There was once when I was writing another diary entry and I started crying all of a sudden; perhaps it's just that empty feeling pent-up throughout the years. I couldn't hold on to it anymore. So in bed I visualized that world again and I was sitting on this bench with my elder brother, and he lent me his shoulder to cry on. Everywhere was light and leaves, and a wind carressed us as I cried. It was very comforting, a type I've never ever experienced in a cold harsh reality. And he said one last thing before he left, "I'm here".

I know you might think I'm crazy or childish, but I'd just like to be who I am. I want my world to be there, always there to welcome me. I never gave it a name because I want it to be what it is, and I don't want to live in a set story, I wanted to explore the unknown. I don't want another world to be similar to reality. I want me to be me.

And that's my solution. If the world doesn't understand me, it's okay. Because I know I'm weird, I've tried, but they wouldn't listen. I don't blame them either. Not my parents, not my friends. I know my own world understands. It is a dimension of light, a place of warmth and my only desires. To be free.

Love,
Kendra

*END*

Okay so it's done. Yeah it's pretty late now so I've gotta go sleep...have to wake up a lil earlier tomorrow to revise for Jap exam. Going for NCC Air shooting session this Thursday XD cool. But have to wear no. 4 uniform...haiz...-.-

Nighties everyone, bye and cya.

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~~~*The Winds struck at 11.25pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 10:52 PM

Roaming the Winds