Wandering with the Wind...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I feel as though my heart has just died.

Today Mrs Chia said that there was only one failure in the class and that she was very disappointed, since I suppose it must've pulled down the entire class average. It's terrible. I know I've always been the last, at the bottom of the class, for math. And that means that if there's only one failure, it's got to be me.

At least 99.9%.

And Mrs Chia was saying to the class, "I will hold your hand and prevent you from drowning when you're going to, but you have to remember to flap your own wings so that you can remain above the water surface when I let go of you, and so you won't drown."

I feel as though I've already drowned and there's nobody holding my hand.

Nobody.

And what can I do, if my feathers are already soaked to the tips and my wings are as heavy as lead?

All the expectations of this society, the boundaries, the limitations, the barriers preventing you from flying higher than the sky.

Is that all we live for?

Since the start of this year, turmoils have taught me enough to understand that there is nothing you will get from depending upon others, even if you feel as though you're gonna collapse any moment under everything; all your own dreams and expectations shattering into smithereens in the sky and streaking through the blackness like meteors ceasing to last.

What will you do then? Pick up all the fallen pieces and weep over their pointless deaths, for you can't ever throw them back into heavens' embrace again? Hurl them off a cliff into the winds, in a vain hope that someone else at the other end of the world will receive them and achieve your dreams? Or will you stab the shards through your own wrist, watching as life drains out of you from a killer you've originally admired and aspired to reach?

We've all started out from innocence, all eager and enthusiastic and full of surprise. Idealism wasn't idealism; it was logical, it was possible, it was achievable. But as time rolls by, everything fogs up, our paths are shrouded and got more and more hilly through their shadowed windings. So then the so-called leaders of perfection step up into reality, enforces whatever he or she thinks is right and implies it upon others as a law ought to be followed.

And we've blindly clambered along behind their footsteps, passing the tradition further and further down the generations. In these long arduous periods of fear and hopelessness, we cling onto any light, any leader, who could show us the way through.

That explains things. Our sense of being lost, our sense of insecurity and fear of exceeding boundaries for our own rights, has deprived us of our ability to dream.

In societies of altered human nature, reeking with the foul stench of selfish greed and ignorance, there is nothing you can do but to have silence forced upon your voice in a well-concealed confinement. Everybody has a prison in their hearts; they would enter the realm of these rusty bars when their minds no longer function rationally under everything flung at them, one after another.

Perhaps we've all hoped that the bars of our inner prisons would protect us from all the external blows striking on a constant basis. We will never open up, too scared to step beyond the pathetic protection of our prison gates and bludgeon the lurking invaders of freedom back into their origins. There isn't anything anybody will say in their respective reticence of life.

Nvrm. I guess I'll take a break from here, just too sick of sprouting all my views when I know they will never be heard or anything.

It's not like I've expected them to be accepted at all.

Here's a poem I wrote to express some of my inner thoughts. Pretty random sequence, but yeah.

..........................................................

An Empty Bottle of the World

***

An empty bottle of the world

Lonely in cool vastness,

Fathomless silence, torturous pains

To have finally escaped.

***

Into the air beyond

The skies a plume of blue,

Twas melted into winds

And carried forth the lunes.

***

Lanterns red at twilight,

The bells a fading twinkle.

Nothin' heard beyond the the seas

Of lapping grace, genteel.

***

A moon now so shadowed

With smokes of graying life,

To come and walk towards death one day,

Who shalt weep thine sorrow?

***

An empty bottle of the world,

One of all closed doors,

To be opened at the last

Of existence, thy saw.

***

Theone shalt fear not all of loss,

Fear the wisdom of courage.

For not long shalt thee stand to see

Its traces in all flaws.

***

The day on which Truth was born,

Twas hand in hand with Faith

For Truth knew not what she heard,

Truth knew what she saw.

***

An empty bottle of the world,

Frosted and so old

Tucked away in its reticence,

Slumbering in the mould.

*******************

Okay anyway I'll find some time to talk to you about my dream about my younger brother. Parents forcing me to sleep soon.

Leveled Erawind to lvl 6 in audi today, managed to challenge the license and get done with it. Sewing was terrible, relatively, cuz I had to take out all the beads and redo since I've sewn both sides together accidentally. In the end I still managed to catch up pretty fast though, with lots of work on the sewing machine.

Oh well, night. Cya ppl, going back to Nan Hua on Friday. Can't wait.

***

~~~*The Winds struck at 10.19pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 8:28 PM

Roaming the Winds