Wandering with the Wind...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

You may be thinking: why doesn't the blog music sound sad or isolated as it normally does? Well, I just changed it...Just now I was kinda feeling down, er, more of...emoing again yea...I got a little sick of listening to the same tunes over and over - and they're distant and sad, so I decided to find a new tune. And happy tunes don't lift my spirits at all.

They make me feel as though the skies had just turned sadistic.

So, no, I chose something that sounded a little...uh, inbetween? Cuz it's from Clannad. It's both sad and happy. Yay!

Now that my music's settled, I think I'll write about today. I just patched up Abandoned Soul chapter 8 yesterday, still thinking of a way to start off chapter 9. I think the readers were angry with me for keeping back the next chapter for 1 year and more...well, can't help it now, right? Apologizing doesn't do anything - I should make it all up by finishing the story while I can.

And yes, one whole day of MATH! Like that for 1 week, and still gonna go on and on, till my precious holiday ends! Yes, my precious! My precious! Argh! Gawd!

- I wonder if that's how Gollum felt when his ring was taken by Bilbo? -

Argh my head's gonna burst! I never really liked math - despite the new Chinese math teacher being very responsible and good (not talking about the amount of homework he gives) - and I think I still somewhat despise it even now. Well, at least I would pounce at some bit of English reading if I could just skip away from math. Just skip away from math! Gawd!

But then I should say I'm pretty happy with what I did today. Uh well...not much of an accomplishment, just that I found the determination - from dunno where - to just sit down for 2 hours silent by the table gnashing my teeth over a few math questions which stumped me. And I worked them out in the end! And they were correct!

Well, is that the fun part of math? If it is...then I've yet to enjoy it to its fullest.

Uh well, enough of maths. Just now I went to DCTP site and chatted a lil with Jd and this girl (name undisclosed for privacy rights). Jd thought I was a native Chinese (well yea I am) and said my English was good for one, lol! But I think he saw my blog which I've linked and he said the case was solved. Well, before that he was asking me if I was considering translation. It is a manga scanlation site he's running after all, one of the really good ones too (at least I think so, it was really good).

Um...and I replied that I've only been learning Japanese for 1 year, so...incompetent? Then I realized he might be meaning Chinese translators. *Smacks head* Chinese to English. That's something I've been doing for my mom's work review. Though...I didn't say more cuz I don't think I'm gonna have the time to translate things. My parents are gonna flare up for one thing; school's gonna be busy for another. And I don't like to procrastinate (even if it's "no-choice" and not my fault) when it comes to things whereby the outcome will be for the public.

Well, as for the other girl, she says she's got some mental illness...couldn't concentrate. Well, I may as well be chatting to an artist! She loves writing, just like me!

And I realized that art is one of those things which require not specifically "concentration"; if you concentrate too much on one thing, there will be so many others out there you'll miss out! That stumps your creativity. Art is all about inspiration and creativity and expression. Art is free! Yay! So don't worry, it's actually easier to be aware of things if you cast out your consciousness everywhere - not literally, but yup. (I hope) you get my point.

Kay...feeling a little down again. I wonder why.

Just before I go though, I have this weird thing I nid to tell you guys. Yesterday night I had a dream - I think it was around 3 am, that's when my grandma awoke.

Well, why does it link to my grandma? She woke up at 3 am yesterday worrying about this bag which she thinks she lost over in Su Zhou. And weird! I dreamt of my grandma searching for a bag in the kitchen (I was searching for my own with a few dream companions), right at that time too!

Gawd. Today when I woke up and heard my grandma blab about her "lost bag" I was like "what the-" Well, yeah! It's quite a shock. Like, deja vu....(or de javu?)

Okay, on to the dream.

At the very start, I was having a really weird cycling race across the CCK roads with my older dream companions (weird, because we didn't really have bicycles and were more of leaping and flying across the roads with CARS! all around). Flashes of white light all around. Cars honking angrily (behind me was a sleek black car), and the roads looked wet and rain-slicked. I think I was trying to win something with my team.

*Something happened inbetween*

I was standing at the premises of a weird shop with my dream companions, watching blue, pink and purple lights flashing in its depths. It looked really deep, right in. I think we went there to buy something or take a look at some stuff. Maybe for a breather after the race. I didn't know what it was.

*Scene Change*

Then I was with my grandma in this kitchen (not our house's), and she was frantically searching for a black bag amongst all the bags of groceries and food. She was like fumbling along this high desk and asking me where it was.

*Something happened inbetween again*

I was standing before the entrance to a 2nd weird shop, with the same coloured lights in it. Really deep too, and I had no idea what the heck it was. Again we were trying to buy something.

*Something happened inbetween again*

My dream companions and I were stuck in this wilderness with littered green and some fields of barren earth and withering grass. We were on a rocky path - perhaps tracking or something, I dunno. Then I took out this book whose title I couldn't remember, but was very closely related to "Legacies Ennead" or "Lunaeria" which was the title of the book series in my mind, the one I had been planning to author when I was younger (not really now, due to knowing how society works...).

The book had a thick ancient brown cover, almost like a tome just that it wasn't that thick and heavy. Attached to it was a brown-leathered tube from which my friend slipped out a cylinder of soft white stone (soft?!?!??!?!?!?). There was a map of Lunaeria and adjourning lands carved on it. I was staring at it, and then I realized that the author wasn't me. The feeling was terrible, like someone had just infringed on your copyrights or something. I think the name was something which started with an M or K.

I remember saying to my friends, "This is my story! Why did she write it? How did she know? How come???"

Or something like that.

*Scene Change*

I was showing the book to my mom. She said she didn't believe, and that she would only when I showed her the map. Then I went into the kitchen and fumbled amongst the white paper bags filled with brown books; but I couldn't find the map, and at that point I woke up.

*End*

Yeah, I heard my grandma babbling about her lost bag at this point. Yup. That's all. Weird, aye?

And the bad thing about this dream...After I had it, I have a subconscious feeling as though...I have to give up something. This dream is telling me that; I feel it right here, deep down here, inside me. It's rare that I feel things from dreams, but this one keeps getting into my heart and stays there...

That I have to give up something I really love, one of my only few passions.

I have to give up writing.

Well, more of...there isn't ever a chance whereby I will ever finish writing Legacies Ennead and publish it or anything. That's the feeling I got. That I will never become an author or anything the like. That I have to fully abandon it because it's not in me and the day will never come.

I felt very hollow, like, the kind of feeling I got whenever I was about to cry or start emoing. I felt really hollow...I can't tell if it's disappointment, or submission, or merely feeling wretched or something. It's just that I do really trust this dream as part of my inner voice. My inner self has seen something which my consciousness has not; and wouldn't it be absurd, if it's okay to ignore others' judgements for what you believe, but to ignore your own knowing?

I feel like crying. Haha. It is my passion after all...writing...all five years, starting from p3 when I had first taken "Harry Potter" into my hands and kindled that flame of passion within me. I don't feel like putting it out, no, not now...I really don't feel like doing so...

Haiz...

Okay...cya. Nighties, and sweet dreams...

***

~~~*The Winds struck at 7.25pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 6:41 PM

Roaming the Winds