Wandering with the Wind...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Okay. It's been...uh, 8 days since the first few symptoms of CP showed up last week.

Been staying at home. Well, not doing much, just randomly flipping through the textbooks and stuff, then do some of the homework my mom left for me, and the rest...is saved for resting. O_O Ah well. What I mean by resting is sitting in-front of of the com and watching Naruto all the way from the start - not like I could do anything else that requires large amounts of energy. No exercising, ask the doctor. And absolutely no going out.

Well, being as civic-minded as I can, that's all.

Hear me friends, this thing itches. Oh but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be; the way my mom's students made it sound was like...how many levels lower than hell. =.= Geez I wish people could add something like "in my opinion" or "so I think" into whatever they say. At least that decreases the credibility a little - and in this case I really don't wanna believe in what they say man. They blow things up way bigger than their original size.

I'm not saying that I'm disappointed at the difference between my experience and their accounts. Actually I'm kinda glad that it wasn't as bad, u know.

Hmm...but I have to admit the first day was hell. Just the first day though. I woke up at 3am in the morn tossing around in bed (gingerly) and I couldn't fall asleep, cuz really, this thing HURTS more it itches - surprisingly - and actually it's both, so I had to plug in my earphones and listen to music in bed till I get the sleepy doze. LOL. Haiz. *Shakes head* terrible. And when I woke up the next day my dad was like "what the hell u doin'" - in chinese, of course. Aw man. They won't understand.

But they may, soon enough.

Bwahahhahaaa. I'm evil. Well yea, not like I can stop it anyway, I may spread CP to them whenever I BREATHE. Not to mention talk. Lol, pray to heaven that they don't catch it ba.

Things happened over the week. Argh of course they do - but, er, well...one weird thing happened to my mom yesterday morn, at around 8 am. She was walking out of the mrt station when this crow just shot down from a nearby tree and pecked her hard on the head. O_O Ain't it weird? Oh and it stalked her for quite some distance too, till she crossed this fork in the road. Then it disappeared.

Dang the crows and their ominous symbols. Actually I'm not really worried about this sign, cuz personally I don't feel anything bad in intuition, or weird feelings, but something does unsettle me. Trust me, it's not all the chinese superstition towards crows that got into my head. But the way the crow acted was a little weird. I don't care about the pecking. I'm caring more about why it stalked my mom till the crossroad, then it just stopped altogether and flew away. Perhaps I should check up the symbollic meaning; it's better not to ignore a feeling that gnaws at you.

Feelings that gnaw are not feelings that should be ignored.

Goodness, I feel like Gaara.

Argh. Too much Naruto-ness these days - but it is a good anime, really, one of my favourites. Somehow I just wish I really knew a person like Naruto; well, it's a great encouragement ain't it, to know that someone like him really exists in this world trying to prove himself...haiz, if only it was all true. Well, if it was vice versa, that is...if I was an orphan in his world, I'd be, perhaps, one of the first to accept him as a friend. That is if I could beat Iruka to it. Hehe.

He is an amazing person. Naruto. The way he could live on by the pure strength of his belief is amazing, and all his efforts to walk a path different from that of which fate had enforced him unto...are inspiring. I dunno, whenever I think of that boy, there are just weird emotions within me that I can't really explain. Perhaps I could have, if I was in a different time and different place. But not now. They feel too vague, too uncertain, too small and too fleeting. I can never catch the true meanings of their presence.

For one thing...I think one of them is longing. An empty longing for that kind of companionship that could be forged within that world, other worlds, right now in this time of ours, doesn't seem possible at all. And there's nostalgia, too. Like I'm missing something that I had a long time ago. Maybe I'm missing my dream companions too much that it's become a subconscious instinct to arouse such feelings? Or am I wondering too much, aimlessly alone?

Time seems so long. Roads seem so far.

And our hearts...seem so vast.

Fancy how I could feel inclined towards a world such as that in which Naruto lived. A world of bloodshed, cruelty, betrayal, a world in which life-and-death situations dwell in abundance throughout every single phase of ur life. How would I like it? Because there are other things, too. There is companionship, friendship, loyalty, trust, bonds whose strength surpasses all that people may have feared. Death. Torture. Pain. Failure. Together these unbreakable bonds could penetrate them all. Perhaps that is why I liked that world. Why I had such a longing for it.

But on the other hand, it may seem like fantasy that such friendship exists. And with it there are other things that I may not like in that world; darkness, loss, desperation, helplessness, a ruthless hierarchy in which strong devours the weak...

Seems like I should reconsider my conclusions at times.

The truth so far is that reality is never as perfect as idealism may be. Reality is rooted; idealism is not. Reality is caged; idealism is free. Reality is the present; idealism is an uncertain mythical future. And whilst we dwell within the caged reality, however, things outside...things that are free, things that belong to the mystic realms of idealism...seem impossible. Unreachable. Sadistic existence that never fails to tease every one of us within the cage.

Caged birds.

Reminds me of that caged bird poem last year during lit exam. I didn't really bother to empathize much from every perspective presented in the poem, but some part of me unconsciously did. What did the author mean? Could he/she have tried to tell us something, a little bit of ourselves?

Back to Naruto. It's kinda sad, ain't it, that people all around right now seem so strong and formidable, especially in a school like RG. I remember Beckham once said that, compared to a school where everyone was in harmony with no competition, she preferred a school like RG where we could find competitiveness in every single thing. Hahas. Different people have different likings I guess, and different reasons for that.

For me though, I hate it.

Ah well, I guess I've finally started being a little more frank in this post eh? Well apparently...seems like my personality won't serve me well even if I really got to Naruto's world. Lols...a world where competition could ultimately crush ur fate, or make it shine, whatever, it's actually kind of...worse.

And perhaps, the reason why that kind of friendship could strive in Naruto's world is because of the environment they exist in. Skirmishes, war, conspiracy...and in this kind of environment, it's almost impossible to survive without a strong bond. They needed support. It was a need.

A need.

Unlike now, in our world, where it is only a casual desire.

You see, that's what makes the difference. When we need something, and when circumstances force us to need it, we'll make for it, and it will come. But when it is a desire, we're presented with a choice. We could undergo all that trouble for it, but when we all know we need not to, and just perhaps there may be other...easier ways, we give up on it. And we give up on every route we've found, believing there may be shorter cuts to our goals. That's why.

That's why that sort of companionship exists in Naruto's world, and never in ours.

Come to think of it, our world is safer, more complicated, more advanced, and people have begun to engage in wars that are more of cold than any other types available. Cold wars. We are not ninjas. They fight with weapons, visible offensives - whereas we, we do with our minds, our hearts, our skills. We've all developed a barrier between ourselves and the outer world. We've isolated ourselves from others out there.

Privacy. Freedom of thought. Freedom of choice. Etc etc.

That may be the other reason as to why that friendship doesn't come about here.

Oh well, I guess CP's still in my head, I'm ranting once more. Emo ranting. Once again. I guess my emoness didn't really diminish from sec 1 after all...it's still here...haiz.

Guess it's best for me to get going.

And btw, CP does NOT mean Christopher Paolini. It means Chicken Pox.

Oh yea! Can't believe I forgot. It's stuff from a week ago. I scored 10/10 for my math SA! First time ever! Woohoo! Well actually it wasn't a real full mark, in my opinion. I had one mark deducted from the original set cuz I didn't factorise the answer completely for one question, but it didn't matter cuz I managed to do the 3m bonus question so it was still 10/10.

Haiz but now's not the time for me to rejoice over it. I've only just improved. And this 2 weeks CP thing's gonna make me lag behind for all my subjects - again. And math most of all. Math and Chem. I dunno, I thought I had managed to dispel my fear towards math, but I think some of the aftertaste of all the bitter experiences I had with that suject...just lingers. Well don't worry. This happens. I'm sure I'll get out of this sooner or later.

Lol, thinking of Naruto again. That's why I could say that sort of thing in the first place. That anime gives me confidence, even if there's no solid proof whatsoever that I may really do well after that, but at least for now...the confidence alone is a good feeling.

I don't like that terrible feeling in P6 and sec 1, and I don't want any more of it. The emptiness and INconfidence...that's why confidence is perhaps all I need for now. The main thing I need.

Okay, too much ranting, time to shut up. Cya, gud night, I know this is abrupt, but yea, accept the truth. Lol...

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~~~*Played with the winds at 11.39pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 10:32 PM

Roaming the Winds