Wandering with the Wind...

Friday, April 30, 2010

Really, what?

Somehow a seemingly, perfectly fine friendship just died off. No sound, without even a breath - it just left. Leaving one standing alone feeling completely, absolutely, utterly confused.

It hurts you know? I never knew it could hurt so bad. After 3 years of relative peace in friendship one would expect a constancy in that pattern of things. The last one was in P6 and I had been so determined to make it my last, I even tried to patch up that friendship during P6 graduation thinking I wanted to graduate without any grudges, awkwardness, enmity or anything. Who knew a new one would come? At this time? And worse still, this one's odder. She wouldn't tell me what's wrong, and subsequently I didn't know until I managed to find out partially on my own.

Okay. So the problem here apparently is that I have appeared to her to be uncaring when she emos, too stressed over the illustrations to care, and have appeared as a so-called friend unworthy of her acknowledgement. Okay.

I get it. I get it just fine.

So all those times when I've been trying to listen, trying to give advice in whatever way I hoped was right, attempting to help her fight her self-esteem problems, these have all gone down the drain. Maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe it wasn't of an appropriate degree. Maybe it was totally unnoticed. Maybe it just wasn't, appropriate, or utterly in the wrong aspect of consolation.

Maybe some things would've been in a better state if they were just left be.

I feel so...weird. Depressed is not the only word, really, there are so many others I have no idea how to list them. To think that amongst all the sucking and dying academics, friend-less mugger class, my own self-esteem problems, deadline submissions, parents' not understanding everything, and more and more shit piling up on the way...man sec 3 sucks. It sucks. It sucks so bad I just wish I could kill myself and get over it.

Bursting at the seams? I suppose so. In an adverse way. Of all the sec 3 suckism FRIENDSHIP is the LEAST expected item on my list, if even listed at all. Give me a break. I don't need more turmoils. I don't need more unnecessary stress. I don't need more misunderstandings.

No one can be perfect you know. No one. Even if I want to I can't care for every-single-damn-person who's around me!! I'm a perfectionist and that I know very well - it's bad enough attempting to attend to the friends I have, who are kept at a few because I DON'T like missing anyone out, and that is already nigh impossible. I try. I want you to know I f*cking try, ok? Sorry for not attending to you enough. Sorry for not being a damn good friend. Sorry for not being the most perfect person in the world.

Yeah, sorry for having lived and met you.

I know I have socializing problems. My standards for friends are so high...they're really high, seriously. All my classmates couldn't make it - they're acquaintances. But she managed to. She actually managed to make it past that level and I considered her as my friend; I trusted her, just like I trust every one of my other friends. Wow, to have that trust betrayed so cleanly...wow.

If that feels like "breaking up", then love must be a thousand times worse.

Thursday will be the last day. Yeah. Then everything can be pushed aside along with the f*cking illustrations.

I really wish I can just stop being so friggin' bothered by friendship. Making new friends is so tiring. I knew I was not one for it, I'm just not one for things ok? I screw up in all the stuff I do. Almost all at least. People are getting scholarships and honours and acknowledgements and all forms of recognition and I'm stuck in a dark, emo loner hole wishing for a dream that can never come true...and then snapping back to reality to face my parents and expectations, to face life, to face crazy weird things that happen out of the blue every now and then.

"Out of the blue every now and then". How ironic.

I'm damn confused now. I know I should be writing something more rational because after reading the journals I really did know now, at least I've gotten an inkling of what the heck happened that resulted in this friendship thing. But I can't. I can't! Everything is overflooding, it's getting overwhelming, I need to pour it out before I explode.

School is crazy enough. No social problems please thank you. Just, please. If I haven't already had enough then I'm going to soon.

Why are friendships so hard and tricky? Why are there heartbreakers and backstabbers and traitors and misunderstandings and just. utter. crap?!

F*ck off, life. Just f*ck off.

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~~~*Dreamt with the Winds at 11.41pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 9:47 PM

Roaming the Winds