Wandering with the Wind...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Hey...*hugs bloggie tightly* I know I've been neglecting you for the past couple of months, without an explanation for my absence too, so I would like to say I'm really, really sorry. I somehow realised today that I desperately need to blog again...life is just...well, it's just not right, you know?

Let's just say it's going downhill, fast. A new year, new class, new committments...you see me in January (or was it Feb) enthusiastically announcing my resolutions for 2010 and thinking I was really in for a great time - and then vhwoom, it's April, some random inserts of my dampening moods inbetween, but it's April and I'm back, and I believe I've changed quite some bit if not a lot. I feel myself changing so much lately, in adverse ways that is.

I don't...feel like myself anymore. It's not just the crappy school committment thing that's getting to me, there's also the way everything is eating out of my own social and personal life, and how I can't seem to find time to take care of my own - and in a sense, my friends' too - well-being anymore. Drawing is kind of like out of the question for regular days...if you don't count the meagre amounts of doodle time filched during classes. And yes, my class, that horrible social prison I would find myself stuck in for the coming 2 years without a proper friend and everything. I don't like this. I really don't like this. Why can't I simply evade these things like I used to last time, or find a way to end them???

And then an even greater problem that's like the major ego-crusher for me is, surpisingly, ART. I mean I really love it and all, and really attempt to do my best in it, yet I can't help but feel depressed when I see all those pros' works before me while I screw up lots of things in SAP. It's got more factors than just...being kiasu, if you call it that way. I feel really sorry, both helpless and apologetic, as if I have not lived up to my SAP teacher's expectations (and I believe I really haven't) and I'm trying vainly to redeem myself of whatever good impressions that might ever be left in her. I kind of feel guilty, you know. To disappoint someone again.

And again. And again. The list is endless.

Things are a total mess now, I feel so useless. Out of place. Life just goes on and I float through stuff like I'm lost or something.

You know, sometimes when I walk down 310 or 314 and stuff and sees Az and Cher with their friends I can't help but feel this twinge of...jealousy, or was it some kind of...desperate longing? Maybe it's a mixture of both. I keep asking myself why some things just can't be the way they could have turned out - but I also keep answering myself that "it's reality". It's true. Reality hurts. It hurts to be a friggin' damn idealist in this hard, down-to-earth world.

*Sigh* I know I'm getting really desperate, not to mention I'm still holding most of the things in, but, really, after a few months I really feel the need to let some stuff out. Everything's so confusing, it's like losing it in a sense, albeit really slowly. If I can't find a way out of everything I really dunno what I could or might do...

Someone. Just, someone.

What should I do? How should I continue with this screwed-up life??? Just WHAT direction should I follow??

I really don't know anymore. I'm sick of life in this world and sick of this f*ing year 2010 too.

Wish I could go home soon.

***

~~~*Dreamt with the winds at 9.57*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 9:31 PM

Roaming the Winds