Wandering with the Wind...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I think I'm really starting to believe in sunshine after the rain. Yesterday was dark, but in this darkness I found lights that were otherwise outshone in normal times by stress and such preoccupations of the mind...I found new friends in those I have otherwise not considered as particular close friends, and I found friends who are actually true. Tangible, true, friends who would actually be there for me.

It was really, I think, one of my first major depressions (despite the main thing having lasted for only one day, and the next comprises of merely a dull ache), and I was so weirded out I talked to so many people to derive some form of comfort and...guidance. I had been so confused as with how I should continue. But yeah, I'm glad I still have true friends; they really helped me out a lot you know, they stood by me, gave words of comfort and not just words, they acted on them too.

These are, I believe, the friends I should really trust and pay most of my social attention to.

In a way I should say...this entire incident IS indeed depressing, and I did feel in one way or another very betrayed (which I bet is the first time in many years), but I also did learn a few something-s from it. I learnt that I trust people too easily. Not in her way, but it's just that, when someone manages to get past the acquaintance level in my standards and is considered my friend, I tend to give that person all my trust. I wouldn't think he or she had something against me at all, unless she was showing it. I wouldn't suspect he or she would try to harm me or would, without purposefully trying, do so in the end.

I won't raise my standards for friends any higher. As of now I am happy with those that I've made - because with an exception of her the others have thus far stuck with me through thick and thin and I value their friendship very, very much. But I am going to be more cautious now, because I've had my first - no, second, encounter with the dark side of people. I'm a generally evasive person so I avoid all forms of conflicts when able to, and when such things happen I often feel very, very confused and shocked, for if there was something wrong I would usually have managed to pick up the signs and do something to prevent further deterioration of whatever situation it might be.

It makes me feel as if my perception and judging skills have been washed down the drain.

And with that there's another thing...the most outrageous thing about this entire friendship crap. I've been utterly fooled, yeah? If you didn't like a person then DON'T act like you do. It may make you seem like you're "bearing with it", "putting up with it", "tolerating it", but really, all it shows is just the hypocritic side of people. I don't mind if you cleanly, decisively TOLD me that you didn't like me since the start. What's the point of acting if you know it would aggravate the hurt you would cause to the person in concern? Or maybe you don't. Or maybe that's really your purpose, to hurt that person. Maybe it's your way of taking revenge. But in this case, for now unless other unimaginable things happen, I would like to believe that you have an unaltered nature.

Look, we're both in sec 3, everyone here is, and we are all VERY busy. If your version of an ideal friend, no, from your actions I wouldn't even add in the word "ideal", is that that person pays FULL attention to you every single damn time, and that all of the who what where why when and how-s must be focused on you and you alone, then I'd rather not be counted amongst your "friends". Because if I were, I would have to EARN your friendship. Friendship with you is earned, right? It doesn't flow naturally, right? Because if I want to continue that friendship I have to give up my life and other concerns and just focus everything on you.

You want people to be there and listen to you everytime. But are you yourself a listener in the first place? No. You are not.

How many times when others and I have emoed have you actually listened, if not gave advice / comfort, and not changed the topic (like you criticise those of you so-called not-friends of)?

How many times have you actually considered that there would be deeper reasons behind people's actions and that they canNOT be full-time social nannies?

How many times have you actually reflected upon yourself instead of always seeing the wrong in other people?

You say I would kill myself if the damn book doesn't get published. Excuse me, if you don't take the illustrations as seriously as I do, what is the problem anyway? Our deadlines ARE crazy. So what if I stress out about it? I'm trying to take responsibility. In normal context with normal friends I would not have actually suspected that you would take it as offensive, though it seems like I would have to revise that with your case. If you're telling me to pick between getting killed by the publishers for missing the deadline and paying full attention to your emoing, then I'd go with the former. Because I have to prioritise.

I'm saying all the things here that I, similarly as you said on your blog, cannot bear to say on a public platform. Though ironically this IS a public platform but I know nobody really reads it anyway. Most of the time I'm just ranting to air, but it relieves me of the build-up, and it's surprising that something non-sentient such as air could actually take up the role of a friend.

You've pushed me away. I will not attempt to go back to you, and since I have read your blog and understood more I no longer have any inclination to do so anyway. From now on we are no longer friends, we're complete strangers as you've implied. And thus I have no obligation to listen to you anymore. I have no obligation to care about whatever you want or desire or do, as long as it's beyond my requirement of conscience and social awareness as a human being. If I've given you what I could before, and you did not appreciate it, now I'm taking it back.

I will not be mean to you. But there will not be any semblance of friendship between us. I am indeed the very sentimental type, and kudos if you've gotten that, but I can choose to forget things I'd want to. Maybe ten years down the road I'd still remember, "oh, you're the art illustration person I worked with in sec 3", but that will be all. I may not forget entirely.

But I will remember that our friendship started in January, and lasted for a mere four months.

Thank you for the interesting times with you I had during the past four months. But yes, our paths cannot cross any further and thus we will be parting.

As a response to your poem on your blog:

Paths that were never meant to cross
Would one day do so
For we are all wanderers on our way
Whither to we do not know,
And being lost, such wroughts betwixt us
The budding of friendship and support,
To hold us through.

But times come and by, and not all stands
In the way of our viewing. We all know
There would be days of parting, as were there other days
And someday paths that walk in different ways
Will thus part in different pursuits;
We may wish we never met, wish we had just
Not taken that first look in our eyes that started it all,
But alas, that is not so,
And ten years down the road, this memory
Which has failed to endure time
Will fail us both.

Perhaps we will have a new beginning,
Another chance to see in each other
A new friend, a time reborn.
But as of now,
We will be strangers.

For the last time I will turn,
And with no regrets say,
Farewell my friend, here I leave you.

***

~~~*Dreamt with the Winds at 10.02pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 9:05 PM

Roaming the Winds