Wandering with the Wind...

Monday, July 12, 2010

'Ts been a while again hm? Life has been keeping me busy. Pretty much. Though I should say that ever since the reprieve from June Hols I've been taking things slightly slower and easier than before...but dang, it's only the 3rd week of term 3, I'd better shut up.

So...the annual UOB art competition has ended with Bai Tian Yuan's topping as best painting of the year. She's from JC1! Isn't it cool? I mean...she's only 18 years old and she won a competition whose previous winners have mostly been renowned Singaporean artists - surely that's something. She said she had started in art since a really young age...and Mrs Lai also confirmed that she had really good art foundations since she entered school. Sounds like one of those art prodigies who begun at ages 5 or younger. >.<

I know this sounds funny, or ridiculous, it depends on how you interpret it. But yes, I have NEW PLANS. I'm going to aim for this UOB Art Competition. Serious. Well, what's so funny about that? I'll tell you it's the highest award a Singaporean artist can aspire to achieve (Mrs Lai's words) and for someone like me it's f*ing darn impossible, and you'll see what's funny. But I'm still giving a try. I don't care. This is a good opportunity, and even if I fail in utilizing it properly, I could at least make the effort to seize it.

Being a natural introvert (dammit) I've always been doubting my art skills so much, I've been hating this insecure feeling and accursed inconfidence that I seem to have in whatever I do. Sooner or later I'll have to overcome this problem. I can't always be the artist who hides my sketchbook away from others, or draws only when others are not around. I can't always be the artist who articulates my own inconfidence behind what others automatically assume to be "modesty" and "humility".

I can't always be the artist who sits in a corner and draws while stealing looks at others and wishing I could be better.

I need to get out of this little corner. I realized I need to go out, take stage in the centre of my own room and...just express myself. My world is my stage. Whichever way I want, however I want it to be. I control the backstage, and the frontstage. No restraints. No doubts. No fears. And speaking of which, cowardice is an ultimate NO NO.

All these things I've been doing...questioning myself, why I'm here, thinking what I could do for this world from within my field of passion...and also being frustrated with the words of adults saying it is a banal dream, a fool's ambition to escape from an all too realistic world...I think I have found one of the first answers I have been yearning to tell myself all these years.

I WILL stick with what I truly want to do. I will walk with my passion - wherever it goes, I will follow. Whatever frontier it takes me to, I will gladly explore. You cannot hold me back. No one can. I've been told many times that these will not work...that the only way to survive is to conform to everything society says. But f*k that.

Do not tell me to be who I am not. I am still a member of this society, and I will fulfill the duties required, and maybe more, of me. But telling me that I have to give up my passion, my love, basically giving up what makes up my identity, for this lone cause, I will not heed such crap. I will definitely find a way out of this. A path that merges both together.

I want to help the world. It's one of my sole purposes being here, being who I am; part of why I would be at times painfully frustrated with the negative energies in this dimension that plague even the purest of souls, and find myself desperately wishing for a distant idealistic world. I want, and will, help the world.

But not in the way that involves conventional jobs that derive the best economic profits. Not in the way that involves "politicking" your way up the ranks of society. Not in the way that makes sure you work like a dog in loathing or utter emotionlessness for a career that holds no specific meaning to you, other than the fact that it guarantees money. No, I will not go with this. without at least putting up a fight.

I want to help the world, through art, through expressing via imagery the things I would probably never be able to express by mouth or word. And most importantly, though also perhaps the most absurd of all dreams I can spout, I want to prove to others, to my parents, to society, to other budding artists, that no one should ever be fully confined by the status quo.

Gee, this sounds so uncharacteristically ego and ridiculous that I cringe at what I type. But for this once, I want to stop being that emo self as I've always been, even if it's just for a few seconds...just so I can tell myself...

I CAN do this, I WILL do this, and I HAVE done this.

Stop telling yourself you can't.

Because I believe in miracles. People are capable of miracles.

And I want to, and will, believe that I am equally capable of miracles too.

Just wait and see.

***

~~~*Played with the winds at 10.26pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 9:52 PM

Roaming the Winds