Wandering with the Wind...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Finally! After one month of inactivity I've finally decided to drag myself back in here and post something about life. Life. Ah that big, sophisticated, annoyingly confusing thing.

The results for the Extravaganza '10 Competition were out yesterday. I got an honorable mention in the Trad Ink Category, along with Ch who got about the same and Bella who got honorable mentions in the Graphite Category.

Hmm I guess I'm pretty happy. I mean it IS my first art competition ever and also my first time getting a proper award thing for my art. Not that the prize was actually very nice, considering how they somehow took out the original $50 bucks from the prizelist and replaced it with the Animax Goodie Bag, but who cares. I'm just after the certificate. It's all I need to tell myself there is proof of recognition for my artwork, money doesn't count.

Though no matter how elated I should be I can't help but feel depressed after the entire event. It's strange, my person that is. I always just seem to feel the opposite of how I should feel for happy occasions, and this irks me that it prevents me from enjoying what I have earned. The pressure follows me everywhere. The inconfidence. The notion that whatever I do does not match up to what others can do.

I hate myself for being this competitive, but I felt this pang of depression when I looked at the other winning artworks. I mean, seriously, what's up with mine? A rushed piece of work within 3 hours filled with unfinished brushstrokes and unblended splotches, along with a clashy colour theme (which is the kind I really hate). Can't I do better? I should have, really. I should and could have done so much more. But somehow things just don't come out the way I want it to sometimes. Especially when life gets on me and my inspiration gets all blocked up...I feel frustrated, so frustrated.

And then my parents. They were happy. Well at least I'd assume they'd be considerably glad. But for some danged reason (or maybe none at all) my dad kept talking about how much prize money I'd be getting, whether there'd be interviews, whether my friends and teachers would be there etc etc. Come on! Give me a break. He made it sound as if he expected Extravaganza to be a horridly huge and formal competition - the kind like UOB in which winners like Bai Tian Yuan get shot up to national fame. But it isn't! Stop trying to hope that it is! Because it isn't, and by that I really mean it isn't! I dunno, I guess I really am too sensitive but it makes me feel as if I wasn't good enough, that I got an award for a small informal competition instead of the prestigious kind that my parents would just love to see me winning in. But isn't this good enough? At least for now?

When is anything ever going to be good enough for you?

When am I ever going to be good enough for you?

I don't know, I'm just trying my best. I'm trying to be the best kid for you too in a sense, but I'm also trying to be the best person for myself. I know all about the filial piety thing. And I feel obliged to repay all that you have done for me with sincerity. But when in doing so you're living someone else's dream instead of your own, it's no longer called filial piety. It's mindless sacrifice, a horrific lack of personality and purposeful direction in life that leaves you lost and alternating between others' wishes. Others' wishes. Others' desires. Others' hopes.

For you, perhaps, but not your own.

I know what is best for me. Trust me, I do. I know the age of fifteen is mid-adolescence and it is difficult for you to let go of me so easily, but someday, a very inevitable someday, I'd be off and away, beyond your hold and beyond your line of vision anyway. It is just a matter of time. And when my time comes I'd have to be on my own, no matter how both you and I may wish otherwise.

People keep telling me to be who I'm not. People keep believing I'd be better off if I were a different person from who I am now. But I want to be nothing but myself, to live with the persona I have created like I would in a house I've built a long time ago. By that I mean, and I sincerely mean, that I want to go with art.

I want to hold art's hands. I want it to hold mine. I want the two of us to be crossing those wild, wild moorlands which nothing but time can trespass. I want it to be just the two of us, a piece for each other, in an eternal, unbroken, poetic friendship.

I love art. I love art. I love art. I love art. I love art. I love art. I love art.

I love art to the infinitum.

Will you love me back?

***

~~~*Played with the winds at 10.14pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 9:50 PM

Roaming the Winds