Wandering with the Wind...

Monday, November 15, 2010

This is just the second post in months and I'm already starting to realise just how much I had missed this world here. Talking to the wind, talking to that perpetual, unmoving sunset...to that distant bank on which whoever stands I have yet to know...there are so many things here that feel like home. So many things reality would bereave me of, and of which I will not let go.

Life to me lately has been like some kind of pot filled with all kinds of flavours. Things just blended in, with as much rigor like they did in normal semesters but with much less intensity and with gaps for reprieves. I finished the bulk of the illustrations. I started learning a bit of parkour. I continued going for tuitions. I got an art award. I attended a sort-of disappointing AFA. Life just went on. Everything, from bitter to sweet, sour to spicy, they all formed a strange unperceivable blob of something for which I do not know what to feel.

And that blob is life.

After fifteen years I still find it difficult to understand what life means to me. I know of a distant purpose, some instinctive idea that there is a task I have to complete within my designated period here, but I just can't put my finger on it. An ego way of putting it would be that I have felt, from the day of my birth, that I was born not to pull myself through the sludge and conform to societal norms; I needed to do something big, and to achieve that I would have to walk a way different from others. I need to find the courage to walk away from the rest in pursuit of what I truly want and need to do.

But courage is a strange thing. I do not believe many years will make me understand it. I do not think that I - no, anyone ever will.

It is difficult to understand something that shuns you.

Ah well. Enough with the mindless emoing. I guess I've been missing out on the...more physical details of life lately so why not go into that? I'll list all the things that made me happy over the course of the past month.

1) I got honorable mentions in Extravaganza art comp.
2) My parents surprisingly did not explode at my horrid GPA.
3) I got to improve in the parkour roll and managed to do a bit of lazy vault.
4) I've been going to Az's house for the past 2 weeks, and she came to mine too. Had a lot of fun (RS is not counted).
5) Naruto manga is going into climax. Hope the anime can get rid of fillers soon.
6) Talked with the counsellor. Made me feel better.
7) Attended AFA for the first time, and saw cosplayers up close for the first time! :D
8) Az bought me Naruto's frog pouch gama-chan. It was so cute! >.<
9) Read an awesome (-ly sad but bittersweet) Naruto fanfic.
10) This is kind of long ago (in Oct) but - AZ GAVE ME THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER, complete with presents, drawing, movie, and homemade cake. It was really awesome! Thanks Az!
11) Az and I are planning to start our own manga.
12) I fixed my blog background music! :D And got to check out some of Joe Hisashi-sensei's awesome piano compositions in the meantime.

Hmm. Now for the things that made me sad, or moody, or just generally feeling some form of negative emotion...

1) Daily bickers with parents. The old thing. Getting really sick of the prevalent disharmony.
2) RS is taxing.
3) Pressurized by the other winning artworks at Extravaganza. The truth of my standards hit me.
4) Tuition teachers are getting serious with my results. I do not want to be reminded of Physics and Chem experiences after EYA.
5) Had to be coerced into reading extremely boring and loooong Chinese texts everyday.
6) Father seems not happy enough about my artistic accomplishments and pursuits. It seems he can only be appeased if I gave up art and turned in the science direction. (Rest assured I will not.)
7) My computer crashed from trojan virus. D<>
8) K up-ed the tension in our friendship by getting jealous.
9) Getting increasingly displeased with a friend's attitude.

Yup, that's about it. I have 12 main happy things and 9 sad things. 12>9 and enough said. I have more happy things I can think of compared to sad ones and thus I really shouldn't emo so much anymore. I should be content whoo! *pumps fist in the air*

Hmm so speaking of which the manga Az and I are planning to work on will no longer be durarara fan-comic-ish, but instead it's gonna be fully original. Well sort of at least. We kinda went to random plot generator at 7th Sanctum site and pieced some bits and pieces of inspiration we got from there. Now we can actually see a tiny story bud sprouting from the mud. I'm gonna drag in Seiran who's gonna be this newcomer to the city and also a wanderer / mercenary who has a serious misunderstanding with his father, and I will also be creating another character who's gonna be a poor peasant boy / commoner boy. Ah well. Everything's still in the form of a temporary hashed out plan. Nothing can be said for sure.

At least I know I'll be in charge of two main characters so far and will make sure I take good care of them. *Evil grin*

That reminds me of the bittersweet Naruto fanfic I read today morning. It was so beautifully sad, so purely and cleanly touching, I cried for dunno how many times whilst reading it. The loneliness and pain Naruto underwent...it must be a lonely existence, to be a hanyou when all the rest of the world remains perfectly human and shuns you for exactly who you are. He didn't get a chance to be understood. He didn't get a chance to understand himself.

And the way he was taught to view himself! Oh heavens! He thought of himself as a mere gift to his father and thought he would be deemed a burden if he wasn't good enough. He didn't understand what love was. Not when he believed he should have been his father's servant instead of a bloodkin, a son. And Minato showed him, step by tender step, the gentle ways of a father and the heartwarming bonds of family. From simple actions such as being there during a nightmare Naruto leaked over through the connection...to greater things like accepting his son's demon half...Minato is a great father. He is a great father just like the Father of the Konohagakure people regard him as. He was a great father to Naruto.

(I would love to have a father like that.)

It was so beautiful, so fragilely touching, I lost myself utterly in those heartwarmingly hearbreaking words. It was sadness and joy. Fire and water. Acceptance and rejection. Love and hate. It was bittersweet.

Sigh. Good fanfics like these are so hard to find nowadays. Whenever I search for something good that could keep me submerged within its alternative universe...somehow whatever is desired no longer pops up. I've scoured through the more prominent Naruto communities on fanfic.net. Maybe it's cuz I've read all the good stuff I can find there, and good ones are coming too slow and too few at a time. Oh well, guess I'll just wait.

After all, like courage, good things are best received when they are unexpected.

Like a pleasant surprise. Hm.

***

~~~*Played with the winds at 9.59pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 7:54 PM

Roaming the Winds