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Sunday, January 30, 2011
My. Parents. Fucking. Need. Anger. Control.
I'm really pissed that I have to break the promise I made to myself a few days ago on my blog to post only 2 negative posts every month. Well technically the promise isn't broken yet - but close, if you count this post, it will be 1 out of 2 and I have only 1 more post saved for the rest of this month! D<>
Nothing new really. We got into a big dispute again, pissed both sides off, everyone acted super unreasonably, another crack in the relationships. Oh wow. Brilliant isn't it?
Welcome to my family. Where we're doing pretty well in terms of everything in the material aspects and that leaves us no chance to justify the twisted relationship sometimes. Because you know how the world works; you have money? Okay, you have a nice family. Bullshit, justified bullshit by the bullshit logic that this world goes by.
(Too much George Carlin)
Sometimes I just really wish my parents could learn to rein in their temper at appropriate times and know when to shut up. I didn't even DO anything outrageous, okay? The most I did was being reluctant in reading the Chinese book my mom made me read (cuz I have to go rush a goddamn school essay!!!) and then my mom got damn pissed and just started screaming and I ended up having to read MANY more essays than I originally had to. Stupidity on both of our parts. Gianormous waste of time.
And then wow, she started talking about how I am proud and haughty and unfilial and morally twisted and didn't have a heart and that I had nothing in potential and yet loved to brag about it. Wtf? Do I BRAG about my stuff at ALL? Anyone who knows me just a little bit will know I have confidence issues, or more specifically, INnconfidence. That's like the fundamental thing to know about my personality. And she started talking about this newspaper article featuring some random boy who had to help out his parents in the hawker centre and still got a scholarship to study overseas in Australia or something.
Okay...whatever. So what is it you want to say? Huh?
I'm already used to them telling me that I am pretty much a sucker as compared to all the other heavenly kids and that part was okay. I am just PISSED that they have to keep saying that I don't have a heart, that I'm not kind, that I am morally - what? - twisted and not going the right way. Hello, just because I don't like them doesn't mean I'm a goddamn heartless person! Can't they actually make sensible judgments that won't piss the hell out of everyone??? If they want to misjudge me simply because of their lack of understanding of who I truly am, fine with them, but IM not fine with that.
Next time, choose something else to insult me for. Something more logical and sensible, since I can't really expect you to do sensitive criticism.
Ah yes then my dad. He has the WORST words to say and actions to do at the WORST timing. Period. I'm not gonna elaborate, just that he started yelling at me about something entirely different right after my mom yelled at me. I almost lost control of myself again like I did twice in sec one. I really would have lashed out had I not kept myself in check at the last minute - I'm glad I did control myself, it would have sucked if I had another screaming contest like a madwoman or something. That would really suck.
And great, now this whole thing has totally ruined my mood for my school essay. Plus I might have to cancel the jogging plan with Nans tomorrow because my parents will most likely wake up in a pissy mood and I won't be let out of the house.
Good grief.***~~~*Played with the Winds at 10.59am*~~~
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Gah, after what Tiff told me on the MRT the other day about bosses reading the workers' blogs as part of the application process...and that if I ever encountered a boss like that I shouldn't show him/her my blog because of all the emoness in it, I think I'll make a resolution this year. NO posting of emo and depressing stuff for more than twice per month. I just reread my blog and realised how dark and oppressive it really is and I don't think I want it that way. D: Whilst my "personal sanctuary" (lalala~) is indeed a place for my heartfelt thoughts and emotions I really don't need it clotted up with negative energies.
It's not very healthy hm.
So yeap, no philosophical or metaphysical or emo stuff today. Just plain, good ol' life registrations.
Good things happened lately. Yes I will focus on the good things from now on I swear (other than the occasional bad stuff)! D<
I GOT INTO ART CLUB!!! :D Woo!
Az got in too! So we can meet each other 3 days a week now instead of 1 like last time. Mondays, plus Tues and Thurs in Art Club. Sounds good to me. :)
Speaking of which I have MOAR ART!!! :D Muahhaha I haven't been uploading for so long, I think all the old art I've uploaded here are just rotting somewhere deep in the archives and waiting to be refreshed with new art. SO. I will post art right here, right now!
Well it's actually just one picture. I'm a bit too lazy to upload more than that - *sheepish smile* - plus I think it's better if I upload bit by bit per post. Won't piss off anyone and easier on my time too.
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PRELUDE
Description: First time experimenting with night color palette. This is just the monotone version, there's another type of night palette that utilises Desaturated colours and I have yet to try that out yet. At any rate I think Desaturated will be hard. I mean, monotone is hard enough already...wait, then again...desaturated versions at least follow the original base tones pretty much as compared to monotone which requires you to totally neglect the previous colours. Gah I dunno. Night is hard. Period.
This is Anbu / Hokage Naruto!! :D I really liked the necklace idea which I got from this sasunaru doujinshi. The Kunai thingum, just that I drew three instead of four (cuz I was lazy LOL - nah, aesthetic appeal counts too). And I had a inner debate *cough* about whether his eyes should be red or blue, but settled on blue in the end since red seemed kind of demonic especially with the night atmosphere. X) Wee Naruto!!! He's so cool hahaha.
Fangirl syndrome? Oh noes.
*Facetablet****~~~*Played with the winds at 8.03pm*~~~
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
You know I really hate coming here everytime I'm depressed and starting every post with a sad sentence. But the thing is I really think I need to talk, to make myself heard, even if there's no one on the other side...life hasn't been the best for me lately again and I find myself being pushed up notch by notch into a position I find hard to escape from.
I just went for Art Club trials today and ended up feeling rejected and hurt. It's not that my art skills weren't good enough; the teacher said that there was no problem letting me in, just that I'd have to go through HOD and he was worried about my CCA records. I know, I understand and appreciate his concern and thoughtfulness in prompting me to reconsider my decision. But the thing is...I really, really want to quit guitar to join Art Club. Not simply because I no longer feel that interest in Guitar which miraculously sustained through sec 3 year, but also because this time round I really have pressing reasons that compel me to leave Guitar for a cause I'm willing to put much more effort and time in.
And that is Art. I'm still so frustrated with it. I mean, I love it, but I've been shown harshly so many times that it doesn't really love me back, same as many other things in life or just life in general. I keep thinking I'm not good enough, or that I'm not the best suited to pursue such a discipline. People do such beautiful artworks and revel in the joy of their creation and they deserve all the recognition they can get. But me? I keep doubting that the day whereby such recognition comes to me will ever arrive; wherever I go people don't seem to want me there, because they're better off without me, as it is, as it was, and as it has ever been.
I hate feeling rejected. My parents think I'm a big disgrace to the family because I can't get the results they want, and I'm not the best kid in their hearts. My family thinks I'm too plump (which is true) and that I should slim down as soon as possible, and also try to shoot up in height. My tuition teachers sigh at my horrible science results. My art teachers are nice but I cannot expect them to like my art in face of so many other geniuses that pervade this whole school.
And then I get streamed into the low-rank A class for HCL even though I come from friggin China. Then what? Disappoint my whole race?
I hate myself for being such a huge disappointment to everyone, for not being able to be the kind of person that everyone will like. I hate myself. I hate myself so much it hurts to just think of it.
When will I ever stop disappointing people? Whatever I do doesn't seem to meet the expectations whatever the case it is. Whatever I endeavour in hardly bears fruit. I know it's really, really childish to be like this but I really feel so...so horribly depressed! I need to be someone whom others can welcome, but I don't want to be who I'm not! I don't want to conform to this stupid society in any way that goes against my own faith!
I don't even know if I love myself at all anymore, even if it's spiritual-wise. Somehow it just seems as if the Me I'd really go with belongs in some other world, unseen by men here, unappreciated by the earthen dimension. I don't feel a sense of belonging here. People just pile heaps of expectations on me and when they are not, I pile my own onto myself, only to find out that I cannot walk as fast as others who are able to take on more.
Can't you see? Can't you friggin' see?
Stop getting so disappointed with me! Can't you see that I'm trying? That I'm doing all I can to just hear your acknowledgement of my endeavours at least once?
STOP BEING SO DISAPPOINTED! STOP BEING SO DEMANDING! I CAN'T DO ALL THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO, I CAN'T BE THE BEST STUDENT ON EARTH, I CAN'T BE THE BEST KID ON EARTH. I CAN'T BE WHO I AM NOT AND WHO I AM UNABLE TO BECOME!
I CAN'T BE GOOD IN EVERYTHING!!!
I don't cry outside. I don't want to show my weaknesses and problems to the world. But it fucking hurts and I know it!
HELP ME GODDAMNIT! Why can't anyone hear me???
God, I'm pathetic.***~~~*Played with the winds at 7.31pm*~~~
Thanks to all the blogs the designer referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
