Wandering with the Wind...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

You know I really hate coming here everytime I'm depressed and starting every post with a sad sentence. But the thing is I really think I need to talk, to make myself heard, even if there's no one on the other side...life hasn't been the best for me lately again and I find myself being pushed up notch by notch into a position I find hard to escape from.

I just went for Art Club trials today and ended up feeling rejected and hurt. It's not that my art skills weren't good enough; the teacher said that there was no problem letting me in, just that I'd have to go through HOD and he was worried about my CCA records. I know, I understand and appreciate his concern and thoughtfulness in prompting me to reconsider my decision. But the thing is...I really, really want to quit guitar to join Art Club. Not simply because I no longer feel that interest in Guitar which miraculously sustained through sec 3 year, but also because this time round I really have pressing reasons that compel me to leave Guitar for a cause I'm willing to put much more effort and time in.

And that is Art. I'm still so frustrated with it. I mean, I love it, but I've been shown harshly so many times that it doesn't really love me back, same as many other things in life or just life in general. I keep thinking I'm not good enough, or that I'm not the best suited to pursue such a discipline. People do such beautiful artworks and revel in the joy of their creation and they deserve all the recognition they can get. But me? I keep doubting that the day whereby such recognition comes to me will ever arrive; wherever I go people don't seem to want me there, because they're better off without me, as it is, as it was, and as it has ever been.

I hate feeling rejected. My parents think I'm a big disgrace to the family because I can't get the results they want, and I'm not the best kid in their hearts. My family thinks I'm too plump (which is true) and that I should slim down as soon as possible, and also try to shoot up in height. My tuition teachers sigh at my horrible science results. My art teachers are nice but I cannot expect them to like my art in face of so many other geniuses that pervade this whole school.

And then I get streamed into the low-rank A class for HCL even though I come from friggin China. Then what? Disappoint my whole race?

I hate myself for being such a huge disappointment to everyone, for not being able to be the kind of person that everyone will like. I hate myself. I hate myself so much it hurts to just think of it.

When will I ever stop disappointing people? Whatever I do doesn't seem to meet the expectations whatever the case it is. Whatever I endeavour in hardly bears fruit. I know it's really, really childish to be like this but I really feel so...so horribly depressed! I need to be someone whom others can welcome, but I don't want to be who I'm not! I don't want to conform to this stupid society in any way that goes against my own faith!

I don't even know if I love myself at all anymore, even if it's spiritual-wise. Somehow it just seems as if the Me I'd really go with belongs in some other world, unseen by men here, unappreciated by the earthen dimension. I don't feel a sense of belonging here. People just pile heaps of expectations on me and when they are not, I pile my own onto myself, only to find out that I cannot walk as fast as others who are able to take on more.

Can't you see? Can't you friggin' see?

Stop getting so disappointed with me! Can't you see that I'm trying? That I'm doing all I can to just hear your acknowledgement of my endeavours at least once?

STOP BEING SO DISAPPOINTED! STOP BEING SO DEMANDING! I CAN'T DO ALL THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO, I CAN'T BE THE BEST STUDENT ON EARTH, I CAN'T BE THE BEST KID ON EARTH. I CAN'T BE WHO I AM NOT AND WHO I AM UNABLE TO BECOME!

I CAN'T BE GOOD IN EVERYTHING!!!

I don't cry outside. I don't want to show my weaknesses and problems to the world. But it fucking hurts and I know it!

HELP ME GODDAMNIT! Why can't anyone hear me???

God, I'm pathetic.

***

~~~*Played with the winds at 7.31pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 7:08 PM

Roaming the Winds