Wandering with the Wind...

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Az won 1st place in the Illuminative Competition thing! I think it's a really pleasant surprise for all of us. She now gets 500 bucks and I really hope that she won't be starving herself again. Though uh, I can't help but feel slightly dejected about this...I mean yes, she's one of my closest friends and I'd love to be able to whole-heartedly say sappy things like "her joy is my joy" but, BUT, I think I must be honest with my feelings. .__. I somehow don't really know what to feel. It kinda makes me feel wretched.

I mean, she's my friend and of course I'm happy for her achievements, and besides I didn't even participate in this competition in the first place so I don't see why I'm feeling so emo about my art. But it just kinda makes me feel like my art isn't good enough, you know? It's just this tricky limbo state between joy and dejection. I've never won top 3 in Art before...well, technically I've only participated in 1 competition, which is the Extravaganza thing last year for which I only got an Honorary Mention. It would really look stupid next to a pedestal for the first.

I think all this worrying is coming from an uncertainty I have about my future. I want to pursue arts, but that means that I must be really goodin Art and my results and points and everything must be good enough to get a scholarship. The prob is right now my results are dropping, my LEAPS record sucks, and I only have 1 Art Competition Achievement whereby I didn't manage to get top 3. I don't think this is enough to even be considered for a half-scholarship, despite having the newly added TXY committment to my testimonials. How am I ever going to be as good as I want to be?

Competitiveness puts me off but I realized I can't help it for myself either. I get pressurized too easily. And when I'm pressurized I pressurize myself even more by thinking that everything I do is pretty much not up to standard. The main reason why I put so much emphasis on Art is because I suck so much in the sciences and everything, I dump all my hopes in Art which is the one subject I am better at and am actually actively passionate about. And I end up wanting to be the best in this subject, because I can't be so in other subjects.

Sigh nvm, I must not let this emo mood overwhelm me. I must be a good friend and congratulate Az whole-heartedly - it's not like it's her fault or anything, there's nothing wrong with achieving 1st place, just something wrong with me and my inconfidence issues. I'll climb out of this depression soon anyway.

I hope she puts her 500 bucks into good use, she could really do with financial presents. :)

PS: Was down with 38+ fever yesterday and saw Joey and Niki on 190 bus today. I have 2-day MC but both are down the drain since my parents made me go to school anyway. Exciting things happen huh.

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~~~*Played with the winds at 9.38pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 9:27 PM

Roaming the Winds