Wandering with the Wind...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

After getting to cool down and think things over, I declined the request to present a speech at Nan Hua Primary this Saturday.

It happened yesterday when a teacher found G. and I in class and asked if I could make a speech at Nan Hua Primary as the Sec 4 Ex-Student from RGS - and I had been quite inclined towards that prospect, until she told me that they found me because G. was unable to make it for sat. They wanted G. at first. They wanted G. Period.She couldn't make it, so now I'm supposed to fill in.

I don't mean to be petty. I don't think highly of myself either, and for a point of time I was even thankful to them for remembering me. But was I really that desperate? Was I really that ready to throw away my dignity and self-esteem, simply because I was given a chance to replace someone who was worth a lot more?

I hate being treated like replacement, like I'm second-choice, the back-up, the reserve, the not-so-good, just there to make the organisers feel better because they have managed to drag a bucket of water to quench the fire. There is this hollow feeling that I am unable to get rid of. It hinders me from finding the zest and genuine commitment to the task that this would require of me, and which I cannot give.

I cannot give a speech of whose content does not come from my heart. I cannot give a speech with no feelings.

I cannot give a speech as a voice for another person.

I guess I'm just not good enough. Since when was I ever good enough? And if I'm not good enough, could you at least not rub it in my face? I'm sick of it. Sick of trying to be good for others, sick of trying to live for others, sick of trying to be who I'm not just so I can fit into society.

I wish someday i could stand at one spot without having to wonder if it's meant for someone else. I wish I could accept commissions with no doubts that there is a mistake of sorts, that perhaps the job was meant for someone else. I wish I could be myself, and love life like that.

To be very honest I have many things I would wish to say to Nan Hua. I'd love to inspire, bring some form of encouragement to my juniors. But I'm sorry, if I'm not the one originally intended to do it, I will keep everything to myself until the day when I deserve full entitlement to the obligation.

Which may be never. I have no idea.

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~~~*Played with the Winds at 10.10pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 10:10 PM

Roaming the Winds