Wandering with the Wind...

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I'm a failure. I've always been, haven't I? I screw up in everything I do, not just almost, but everything, because I just can't find one thing I did with which people weren't disappointed. Everyone's disappointed in me. My parents have long since had hearts for better and more honourable children, and my teachers have never had faith in me...or at least whatever faith they may have used to have in me is now gone.

I feel betrayed, but I think what really betrayed myself is me. I'm the traitor all this while. I haven't been able to fulfill that unspoken promise to myself to be as good as possible, even if it's to meet others' expectations, because most of the time they can be my own too. I failed others, I failed myself. There's nothing more hated in the world than useless people who leech off the meagre resources only to produce nothing in return. I don't deserve half the love I'm given, and because I don't deserve it, I don't feel it.

But I want to be loved. I wish so vehemently for that day when I can finally be embraced without being told what I have to do just so I can deserve that embrace. And yet I cringe away when people embrace me, not because I'm particularly uncomfortable with intimate contact, but rather because I didn't do anything to deserve them. My mind screams, "why are they being so nice to me? Why are they loving me? Can't they see that I can't give them anything in return?" when my heart screams, "love me, love me, love me, love me, and don't ever abandon me!" I'm so confused, you know. I wasn't born to be accustomed to two separate voices in my head, each distinct in tone and eager to make their presence and intentions known. I hate them. I hate them so much.

I hate myself.

When I was painting my coursework today, there was a moment when I thought I had finally lost it. It was something akin to the yellow wallpaper...all those menacing faces, they started laughing at me, they were mocking at my frustration while I desperately tried to fill up those omnipresent white spaces that signify uncompletion. They're teasing me, all of them! They hate me, I hate them, they hate themselves, I hate myself, just who are we teasing and what for?! The world, the world, it hates me doesn't it? I don't know what I'm doing but they do. And they're laughing at me for it, for my oblivion, for thinking that they are the ones being blind, when I myself am the one who's blind!

I'm painting my own failure. Those words sound so final and yet so befitting. I felt so betrayed when he told me that I won't be able to submit for UOB - I'm sure he doesn't have negative intentions, but it hurts so much all the same, my whole heart just crumpled like someone crushed a piece of paper between his palms. I'm not good enough. I'm goddamn not good enough, regardless of how hard I tried, how many months I toiled, how many worrying nights I've spent in bed, how many tears I've shed, at the end of the day I've still failed just like with all other things. But I'm not pissed at him for saying that. He's just stating the truth, he's a nice guy even if brutally honest. I'm the one who's trying to deceive myself. I'm the one who's trying to tell myself that hey, I can actually be good enough, that there really is a place in this world if I tried. There isn't.

Those glorious days that used to be are now history. They feel like a distant life I've lived, perhaps not even my own...they've become so alien ever since I became this wretched new person. I don't even know what happened, how it happened, but something seems to be eating away inside me and I know that my remaining days with sanity are most likely numbered. I felt so desperate and disorientated in Art Club today. All the voices, all the happiness; they worked hard, they worked hard and they deserved what they got. Voices. Voices. Teasing me, teasing me, laughing, crying...anger, anger, sadness, joy, misery and pain...I'm listening, I'm listening...there's no need to repeat. I get the point. There's no need to repeat, there really isn't!!

I'm too tired to call for help now. What a coward I am anyway. I shall give myself what I truly deserve and attempt to get back on track in a few days. Even if the remaining journey is going to be a failure, because nobody will show me a way out.

***

~~~*Played with the winds at 7.50pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 7:51 PM

Roaming the Winds