Wandering with the Wind...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Sight, sound, touch, taste, smell, they no longer seem to matter to me anymore. The colours of the world are lost to eyes which cannot perceive them, and the sounds of joy and misery are inaudible to ears which fail to listen. Why am I then, living in this incorporeal, deceptive self-absorbed realm of illusions? I see no reason to my actions, and see no meaning to life when I know not my motives and my directions, but merely obey an impulse to keep moving because that's just the way things are.

How am I to explain why I suck so much? What is there to explain? Maybe I was born this way, or maybe I screwed up majorly in the years that ensued and which I did not treasure in more ways than one. Maybe I'm just dumb in the way that I dream too much and realise too little, even if I can't help it, even if I've tried and failed day after day after day. What is the world to me? What am I to the world?

Would it matter if one day I were to succumb to one of those nagging voices at the back of my head, and creep over the balcony, quietly, unknowingly, like the woman did creep in the Yellow Wallpaper, and then delve headfirst into the black borne of oblivion? I do not of course judge the value of my life, nor the value of my death, based on people's reactions. It's better if I passed and bygone without being remembered; less attachments, less burdens on my part and definitely less responsibilities. Then there will be no value to talk about. There will be no indicator to state whether I have lived life fulfilled and sated, or whether I have died unsatisfied and discontent. I want to be neither. I just want to take things the way they are, what's wrong with that?

I'm too tired to say that I hate myself now. It's one of those moments when my mother would scold and curse me so much until she's dried of words and empty of emotions and she would sit gravely by the kitchen table, her hair disshevelled, lips pulled into a frown, and deliberately refuse to look me in the eye as she silently lets me know how much she is disappointed. I'm just too tired, too disappointed, too sick of failures.

I failed both my math papers today. Both. One of them was a fucking careless error that cost me 9 marks simply because I read a major key word in the question wrongly. I don't know if I should be pissed that I am such a dumbass, or remotely relieved that at least it wasn't a conceptual mistake. I don't know, I really don't know anymore.

I'm losing sight, so fast...I need to find a way to help myself soon.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 10.11pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 10:12 PM

Roaming the Winds