Wandering with the Wind...

Monday, August 22, 2011

It's been two days and no news from Heller's side. He hasn't even been online at all, so I can't reach out to him, neither can I know if everything's going on fine and nothing drastic has happened as of yet. Apparently, he did leave me an offline message yesterday that his dad can't even remember him anymore. It sounded so final when he said it...that tone, that pretense of nonchalance but under which you can sense a kind of desperation, a kind of hopelessness, as if he's losing what motivation he had before and sinking back into his depression. I'm worried, really. I can't do anything in physical reality for him because we're in two different places, but there's got to be a way...some way, any way, by which I can help him?

Sigh. That aside, today was kind of like a new start in some ways. I drifted through lessons half-alive as usual, but some events were pretty uplifting I guess. I bumped into Mr Wong at the cafe during recess today, and he was with this other guy (I didn't quite catch his name) who was tall and white and slightly rosy, with specs I think, and pretty forthcoming. Apparently he's a pro in Oil Painting and I'm roped into attending his Oil Painting portraiture workshop next Monday even though it's technically a school holiday. Mr Wong asked him to guide me in editing my coursework. Ahem...I'm not particularly inclined towards touching that canvas anymore after seven months of toil, and considering how I've managed to screw it up so badly, I think any more work would just overdo it and make it worse.

Well, I guess I don't mind. Anything for a good teacher. I hope that when I grow up and somehow manage to succeed in some kind of artistic career, I can have many worthy teachers to thank. It's always good to have gratitude behind your success. Then you'll be reminded of just how hard the success was to achieve, how much had to be learnt, and how much human kindness there was in those who were willing to guide you; it makes the whole thing a lot more meaningful.

The best thing today was still meeting up with Az after two weeks. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm still a little sore about the award thing, but I've pretty much gotten over it. She did do more than I did and it was something she deserved so I have no reason to mope about something that's utterly justified. I am glad for her. After the initial pang of jealousy and depression, I realised, with relief, that I am able to be happy for her after all. That makes me feel a lot better about myself; I wouldn't like to think of myself as some scheming envious fool who does no good herself but wishes for what others obtained by their own hard work.

I must be open-minded...not everything I don't achieve is a failure. Probably half of the pressure I'm feeling now is non-existent to start with - most likely self-imposed and added upon the expectations of others.

Speaking of expectations, I've realised just how the lonesome experience with 305 and 405 for the past one and a half year has actually did me some good in a certain way. This isolation, while initially seeming like a curse of sorts, actually enabled me to distance myself from the immediate influence of the "masses" and extricate myself from the snares of others' expectations. While I used to be helplessly incapable of venturing beyond the norms and always doing what others did, now I find myself feeling slightly apathetic at times, and this enables me to have my own thoughts, make my own decisions and take my own line of action. It gives me a form of courage that I didn't use to possess. In a way, because I believed that others didn't quite care, I was freed from some kind of former restriction and this freedom is vital towards increasing my capacity for self-expression; in other words, it is rather helpful towards my artistic pursuits as well.

I still have a long way to go of course, as an idealistic introvert who can't quite bring herself to interact actively with the living masses. But I'm improving, step by step, moving on on my own. That's all that matters. Maybe I don't need a guide in life after all, because life, as Heller and I discussed the other day, is a teacher who would guide me on its own.

So yes, where was I? Ah, meeting-up with Azalea. Yeah I was originally planning to take a trip to Art Friend and waste some time there to decide what to do with my 50 bucks, which I didn't want but which my mom insisted on giving me as reward for my Physics and Chem SPA, and probably buy myself some new art materials. I'm wondering if I should start saving up money for a Light Box. Actually I really wonder if a Light Box is of much use, especially since I've started to get the hang of digital lineart and can technically produce more convenient lineart directly in the com. It's not like I do a lot of manga art with traditional media like Copics...I do have to practise them once in a while, but that's, well, once in a while, no point buying a 180-buck machine for it right?

It would make sense to save up for an Intuos tablet instead, but the last time I checked an Intuos4 was around 490+ bucks. Ouch. Cintiq is worse, 1900+ I think. Damn. I really want an Intuos...apparently they said that Bamboo kinda sucks when it comes to proper digital painting, since it's meant for more casual stuff like doodling and things like that. Then again my Bamboo is still serving me quite well (uh possibly because I'm not quite acquainted with the wonders of better tablets o_0), so yes, I'm being stingy and wondering if there really is the need for an upgraded tablet.

Definitely a luxury, but...a need?

Ah well. So we were on our way to Art Friend but we somehow agreed to miss the Far East stop and ended up in some not quite ulu but pretty confusing place near Plaza Singapura, was it? Erm we had lunch at KFC at...4pm. Not the healthiest but I had been surviving on one flimsy roti prata since early morning so I was pretty much flat with hunger, and that was the nearest outlet so we dug in. Well we did some crazy talk, namely History and Mr Mizar's amusing NS Reservice stories. And then after that we scooted off to various shops, like this uber cool Sword shop beside the OtakuHouse - it's amazing, the kind of swords they have that is, I bet Ms Leow got hers from some place like that. Then there was ComicsConnection...as well as some time at Times Bookstore, and we went home by MRT since we were lost and couldn't find the bus stop.

I dunno, it felt like ages since I've walked around a shopping mall without any kind of obligation and intention, with a friend too. It was good meeting up with Az today. It reminded me I still have a life.

Well, I'd better log off now. I haven't written a relatively light-hearted post in a long time, this is probably my first of the month...hopefully it continues. I like melancholic and bittersweet things but not particularly when they pertain to my life.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 11.41pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 11:42 PM

Roaming the Winds