Wandering with the Wind...

Monday, September 19, 2011

It's the first week of options and I'm already finding myself looking forward to the ''end'' which is a good seven weeks away. I can't believe just how boring these options are! Not to mention I've lost two of my options, so now I'm stuck with three options which had never really been my "choice" to start with, and the first two are already starting to make me feel really, really horrible.

This doesn't mean I don't like Art & Philo, of course...I think it's just the way the whole thing is taught. I hate COI sessions because I hate speaking up and with three teachers in the room to top it off. Yet this whole thing is just like COI, and the only mild deviation from a normal tiresome Philosophy lesson is that the topic is Art, which is supposed to be something which keeps my interest, but sadly failed to do so. To me, this whole options hoolabaloo is some pathetic shit pulled off by the school in a desperate attempt to keep us occupied. Now we're dismissed even later than usual everyday and that means sardine-packing during peak hours on buses with drivers who just choose to ignore you. Great, isn't it? What a drag.

So that aside today was extremely hectic as my whole morning was spent running about for the Jap Immersion programme healthcheck.The most outrageous thing was that after having queued for 1.5 hours until they lazily opened those dainty glass doors, I was sent back home to retrieve my passport and travel document. Why does a health-check need my passport?! I've already given them my BC number, my IC as well as my Student Card, can't they at least take the time and effort to, you know, check it out? If their systems aren't able to turn up the background information of specific persons, then their technology just sucks real bad. Oh well. At least the nurses were relatively nice and I got through the stages rather quickly after I returned with my documents. That leaves me with ample time to go to school, though not enough time to have lunch, so I just gobbled a cheese sausage and a cup of Pink Guava Juice and slept my way on the MRT to Orchard.

What a tiring day, I feel like I could slump on my bed and fall right asleep. Maybe I should. I don't think I can keep my eyes open anymore...yeah, these few days it's always been difficult to keep my eyes open somehow. As if energy is draining out of me slowly but surely. I don't seem to be able to get up and about like I used to, I just don't have the energy anymore. I'm not worried, though. If I die, well, that's alright, it's gonna do some people a favour and that "some people" includes me of course.

Speaking of which, my parents have finally decided not to buy the Condo flat after all. In some way it was a great relief for me, because if they did purchase it, I'd have to pay for them when I grow up. I don't mind paying for them of course. What bothers me is the fact that such responsibilities will end the freedom I have now...the freedom to die, the freedom to choose when to die. Such responsibilities will prevent me from leaving the world whenever I wish or need to. You see, for a sensitive idealist like me, sentiments are a tricky thing, and I'm persuaded to do things more often than being coerced into doing them simply because I have no other choice. If such monetary binds were to accompany me into my post-graduation work-life, I'll be obliged to keep living, to keep surviving because I feel bad if my old parents were to be left with the daunting burden of paying everything by themselves. This is not what I want. I want freedom.

And the freedom I want can only be achieved if I do not hold myself liable over anyone else's life. In other words, I cannot rely on people, neither can I allow people to rely on me. It's for their own good as well. If I were to vanish from the world suddenly one day, those who rely on me will have nothing to depend on. I do not want that to happen. I want to die without obligations, to die without attachments. I want to come and go as I please; no mess, no ruckus, no noise and attention, just pure peace and oblivion in a timeless state where the unseeing world just leaves me be. That is the way I want to die. A free death.

Alright, that's all for tonight. I'm dead tired and should really be getting to bed no matter how early it is.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 8.48pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 8:49 PM

Roaming the Winds