Wandering with the Wind...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'm slipping back into depression so fast I can't believe myself. I probably have an affinity for sadness and negative emotions or something, because I can't hold myself upright for more than a month, and the weight of life just comes crashing down before I know it. In those two months where I've been able to remain healthily positive, I was aware of the brighter sides of things and berated my old self for being such a dick and not being able to peer past the corner and see what splendour awaits. And yet, now I can't see that splendour anymore. Not a glance, not a peek...just pure blackness, deep, dark, unrelenting blackness. It's gone.

...or maybe I've just closed my eyes again.

Az and Stef both got short-listed for the TAP interview. I shall be downright honest and I won't say I'm happy, not at all. It's not jealousy though, just a dark hatred towards myself again for not being good enough and not being the ideal I try so hard to reach. I'm not angry with them nor am I jealous of their achievement. But I can't bring myself to feel happy. Obligation or not, whether or not I am their friend, I can't feel happy...not now.

I don't really know what to say. I've still got a chance, probably, but it's so slim that I probably can't make it at all anyway. I need to pull myself up but I can't. Every time I fail, there's just this constriction of the lungs that makes it had to breathe for a long while, and I can't walk away, neither can I think properly. It's not sadness, and it's not anger either. I just don't know what to feel. Perhaps it's just the calm before the storm, where the timeless moment encases me and I let myself come to terms with what has really happened before the gravity of the situation crashes down.

The half-finished Naruto Copic piece is still on my tabletop. I'm not going to finish it today anymore. Any thought of art now makes me feel sick somehow...because if I'm not good enough, what am I thinking, happily drawing away and believing that I can really amount to anything? If I can't even be short-listed for a mentorship programme, if no mentors even deem me fit to mentor, what am I basing my hopes on? These dreams, these childish aspirations...aren't they just gonna die off? Aren't they just gonna leave me, just like so many others did?

I've lost my first dream at age 15. I haven't lost my second dream, but my ability to dream is starting to slip through my fingers like sand. What's everything gonna be like in the end?

Who am I gonna be?

What am I gonna do?

***

~~~*Waited for the Winds at 9.13pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 9:13 PM

Roaming the Winds