Wandering with the Wind...

Saturday, September 24, 2011

So I gave myself a good night's sleep and dreamt an extremely long and vivid dream as well. There were many scenes and all of them were random, but there was also a strange bittersweet twinge to all those events that occurred. There was an afro-american boy who was comforting me as I waited in vain for someone at a deserted airport, friends who looked anxiously upon me from above as i fell flat on my back while trying to climb the stairs, and someone sent huge bags of sweets and chocolates to my house and dumped them on the top bunk of my bed, despite it being strange because I don't actually have a double-bunker in real life. These friends...these strange people I met yesterday, they weren't any of my dream companions. I could tell from their energy that they weren't the same as my previous kin. However, wherever they came from was probably similar if not the same, because they had the same kind of energy...not entirely identical, but similar to large extents, and it was heartening to feel their love and protection once again after being deserted for so long alone in the cool air of a vast dreamscape.

Sometimes I wonder if Em and my other pals are still watching me somewhere as I journey through my dreamscape night and day. At times when I feel sad, I feel their presence, just a mild feeling, around in the room as if wondering if they should step up and communicate with me whichever way they can. And all those 11:11 escapades or sightings of repeated numbers...they do communicate with me through numbers, a lot more lately, and sometimes whenever I think of things I would unconsciously glance at the clock and find numbers which would give me simple indications of whether I'm on the right track, or I need to turn back and take another route altogether. Maybe they're still around, I just can't see them as much as I do last time, that's all. They're still here and that's all that matters.

After all these years, I've learnt to see that everything in my life at least happens for a reason. Whether good or bad, they all seem to fit into the bigger picture like puzzle pieces and seem to be facets of a gigantic system. Sometimes when I don't manage to get what I want, such as this mentorship programme, I'd realise later on, with great relief, that if I had managed to get that particular thing at that time I wouldn't have been able to fulfill another much greater desire or received much more helpful benefits. Some things are meant to be gotten, and some things are not. These happen of their own accord either to let me learn important lessons, or to clear the way for better things in future...and for all the past 15 years of my life, I've begun to see this trend which almost never falters.

Everything happens for a reason. That's what gives me comfort and confidence to continue even if the times are dark and unpromising.

You know, I was wondering lately if I should ever mother a child when I grow up. I find myself thinking a lot like Hedda Gabler at times. Not that cold, of course, but the line of thought is approximately the same and we both have the same concerns. If I mother a child, my freedom will be gone. I will not be able to retain the freedom to die whenever I wish, nor can I pursue whatever I desire, because I'll have another life to take care of and which depends upon me to survive. By then, I will be a slave to both the child's life as well as my own conscience and societal obligations. I do not want that. I want to live free and die free. If I die and the child's alive, I'm not free either, because I'll be taking another life with me whether at present or in future when he dies without my help. Neither do I want him to waste his life because of my absence. Things like that are bound to happen.

I do not want to die killing someone, because that will be gaining freedom by taking another's, and I do not want that. That is not considered being truly free.

I will see how my life turns out. If by age 30 everything sucks worse than now, I will probably decide not to marry and take my own life before I destroy another's. I do not want to wait until I'm old and sick of life and yet unable to kill myself because by then I'd have already been bound to new obligations and new people depending on me. Everything will be worse when I, perhaps due to sickness or old age, have no choice but to depend on others.

One of the greatest wishes of my life...is perhaps to die freely while I can.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 12.09pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 12:08 PM

Roaming the Winds