Wandering with the Wind...

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Yeah, I didn't manage to get in to the mentorship programme after all. I must really...really suck. Something nags at the back of my head that I should not be so depressed over a small setback (which isn't exactly a setback to begin with), but strange enough, I've suddenly lost whatever confidence I used to retain in my artistic pursuits as well as progress over the past few years. Was I too arrogant? Was I feeling too certain of my skill that I believed I would definitely be able to at least enter the artistic industry when I grow up?

Or was I just too insecure, and locked my eyes on whatever achievement I had up my sleeve so far just so I could grasp unto some form of reassurance? I'd never know which it is, and I'm too tired now to think as well. But it's an important question. After all, Art is a juncture with branch roads in many different directions and my purpose of pursuit will affect the path I choose eventually. I cannot afford to make wrong choices. I cannot afford to lose my chances. If I lose my footing for just one second, I may very well find myself losing everything I owned in the next. The world is that dangerous...and I've grown to accept that fact.

This is giving me some serious qualms about my perception of my own artistic pursuits all the way up till now. I'm still feeling harrowed by the fact that I, a noob whom mentors could not bring themselves to bother mentoring, actually blindly thought I had the power to carry my Art to the next level with sheer passion and courage.

Passion and courage, so to speak, are probably the only two things I have with me on this journey. I walk upon the very watershed of reality and the idealistic world every single second of my life. When I endeavour, I believe that the spiritual will spill over easily like a wave ashore and push me forward just as well...and sometimes it has worked, sometimes it hasn't, but I was always well enough to continue trying in a few days or weeks. Yet for some reason, not being short-listed as a mentee this time round really struck a chord somewhere. Somehow I think I had some kind of preconceived notion that teachers would not be too hard to find. After all, everyone is a teacher in a way, and it only seems right that seniors should be at least willing to disclose some experiential information to eager yet clueless juniors. Being rejected an apprenticeship...really made me feel rotten to the core. It brought up a lot of confidence issues and doubts I had about Art all this while but which I suppressed in my enthusiasm to keep pursuing what I feel passionate towards, and having them all resurfacing at once, and in such a nasty manner too, was rather unsettling.

I've tried to calm myself down and make myself think it's not a big deal, that teachers can make their choices and these aren't the only (and also probably not the best) teachers I will be meeting. But I failed. I really tried hard but I failed. Whenever I think about this mentorship programme...I feel hurt, I feel jealous, I feel painful, insecure, frustrated, worried, anguished, doubtful and depressed all at the same time. It's like a dark mass of negativity I haven't encountered in a while. And here I thought that post-EYAs would be cheerful, though it turns out that things will just keep happening and the bad replaces the good whenever possible.

For now, since I can't give myself answers, and neither can I reassure myself in any way, I shall log off and go to sleep. I hope that after a good night's rest as well as emotional release, I can get back on track and think clearer and more logically tomorrow.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 12.23am*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 12:23 AM

Roaming the Winds