Wandering with the Wind...

Friday, September 9, 2011

What does one do when the person she used to love is now in love? And with an unknown person, a strange, mysterious figure who now stands like a shadow between the two of them, and all he sees is her, not the other girl behind her who has turned transparent and melded into the obscure backdrop. What is one to do at times like this?

I'm not lovesick, no, just a little confused with my emotions. I didn't quite know what to feel when I first knew all of this. I guess it's what you call "Bittersweet", because four years has done enough to fade my memories along with emotions I used to carry for him, and while I am honestly glad that he is getting on with life, that he has found new purposes and new things to cherish...there is this small, inexplicable ache somewhere inside. A kind of yearning. A kind of dull throb which isn't painful but reminds you of pain as if hearing the sound of a baby crying through a translucent film. I know - I've known all along - that I'm unable to get what he is able to give, but that's okay. I won't hesitate to say that I did feel happy for him. I really did, in all honesty, just like anyone would be pleasantly surprised to find that a friend has discovered something as beautiful as romance.

I'm glad he's discovered that he's now able to give something entirely new, and to an entirely new person. I've got no problem with that. I'm not sad, not in that way.

Haha well, I think what they say about First Love and stuff like that is really true in some ways. No matter how faded the memories become, how diminished the emotions are, it is impossible to forget that small, precious piece of life which remains untouched like a perfect, isolated world encased in a snow globe. Occasionally you'd gaze at it on your desk, and watch the snowflakes flutter down from the transparent skies of that carefully preserved world...and you would feel this wave of something, nostalgia and something else perhaps, which I can't quite explain. It's a strange thing really. So forlorn, so distant, and yet eerily beautiful, and I love watching it as everything swirls to a windy rhythm in that perfect, small world.

I'm glad I confessed to him four years ago. After all, if I didn't, my feelings for him would have gone silenced and concealed and probably became a burden that I'd have to shoulder over the years. In many ways it's a relief, a great relief. I'm glad that I was foolish. I'm glad that I had the courage. Well, really, should I not be glad?

I used to love him. And maybe even now, to some minute degree, I still do love him. Maybe I always will.

After all, this dismal thing called love is also a sweet thing. I won't regret it.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 12.04am*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 12:04 AM

Roaming the Winds