Wandering with the Wind...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I want to change my family. After two weeks of JENESYS Japan seeing what normal relationships should be like, I've finally gotten to the point where I realised that if nobody does anything, if everyone just chooses to forget (but not forgive) and let the situation at hand remain as it is, then what awaits is a merely bleak and grey future. Nothing more, nothing less.

  We had a go at it again today, my mom and I. I just couldn't take it anymore. The moment I woke up, I could hear her screaming away at my dad about not having rung up a professional painter and instead personally painting the whole house for 12 days, dragging her along for the work as well, subsequently making her lose all her precious holiday time which could have been spent on doing meaningful things like learning english and reading chinese literature.

  For some reason, that made me extremely furious. I couldn't understand why she could be so unreasonable. First things first, my dad spent 12 days painting the WHOLE house, which is nothing short of amazing, and by right he should be thanked for his efforts instead of being bombarded by the scalding complaints of an unappreciative wife. Secondly, if she is whining about her holidays, what about my dad? As much as my mom works as well, my dad is still undeniably the main economic support of the family. He toils just as much as my mom does, if not more. And when december comes, while my mom enjoys her school holiday, he doesn't even have a holiday to talk about. What gives her the right to scream at him for having asked for her help? What gives her the right to pity herself and trouble my dad when HE is the one who is taking days off, sacrificing precious time and rest, for a project the WHOLE family should have been spending time on together?

  So I stood up for my dad, and as much as it hurt me, I'm glad I did. It felt nice fighting for someone else. I do not particularly like my dad, but I like reason and that's all it takes for me to decide to defend him. My mom overstepped the line. I'm a grown girl now, I want to have my say. I want to let others have their say as well. I want to know that I have it in me to stand up for what's reasonable.

  I told my mom that instead of painting the whole house and giving it a brand new look, we might as well look into ourselves and renew the more intangible aspects of our family. Our relationship. Our love. Our bonds. You see, I've finally realised that all these years, my family has been working on a "fight and forget" basis. We fight, and then we let time numb the pain of the wounds and pretend that those things are in the past and can just be buried with the foundations of our house. We fight, we forget, but do not forgive. Nobody says things that goes into the others' hearts. Nobody does things because of sincere compulsion instead of obligatory motives. Everyone just wants to evade trouble, to leave things as they are in hope of a better tomorrow which would simply wash away the blackened remains of yesterday.

  When I stood up and attempted to reason with my mom today (with bad consequences, of course), my dad was quick to ask me to stop and go to my room. I pointed at him and told him that what he's doing all these years is running away. He's scared of facing my mom, scared of facing the conflict that would be sure to arise if he stood up for himself. I do not want to see my dad silently taking the abuse. I do not want to see anyone silently taking abuse! Not my dad, not myself, not anyone in the world. My mom is clearly in the wrong and if the rest of the family just remains silent as she rages, as we've always been doing, it would just give her more "reason" to believe that she is right and always right, that she holds the authority of the house, that things must be done the way she wants. Everything will just go downhill from there. It is foolish to believe that things will just get better if we leave them be, to fester in their stagnant state.

  What my family needs to do now is to learn how to forgive. One cannot forgive if he is not receptive to reason. That is my mom's main problem, something that she cannot see in herself.

  I told my mom today that I know she's a good person, that she tries her best in everything she does and has the capability to exceed (which she has in her workplace), that she wishes well for others and I appreciate her concerns for my future. She told me that she regretted having given birth to me and that I should leave the house and jump off the balcony right then and there. I didn't care much about that; it wasn't new anyway. I told her that even if she didn't love me as much as she believed she did (or was obliged to), even if I was not her child, even if I was to die right then and there, it doesn't change the fact that this family will collapse if nothing is changed in due time. This family, in this context, being her and my dad. Their non-stop arguing in my 2-week absence suggests that my presence in this family does not make their relationship any much better or worse. It's their own future as a couple I'm talking about. Someday, I'm going to leave this house, and in those someday-s, they will be the ones left to deal with each other. The amount of pleasure they can obtain in their retirement is largely decided by how well they can handle each other, and how well they can support each other through age and time.

  I have found my answer to the question I've been asking myself for many years...and the answer is that I do not love my family. And yet it does not depress me to say this. I'm just glad that I've sorted it out with myself, that I finally know that this empty feeling upon hearing the word "family", that this numbing apathy when I see my parents, is owing to the fact that there is no true and unchangeable bond running in our veins other than blood. However, I can still do things for them even without love. I can still defend them. I can still repay them. I can still live with them, laugh with them, try to make life better for them. I can still change them.

  I just do not love them, but that's no big deal. It's just a little different.

  So today's face-off ended with my dad shouting at my mom in an act of self-justification and me leaving the kitchen feeling absolutely drained and distressed. But that's okay. I've gotten it off my chest, I've reasoned it out with myself, and I know what I should do next.

  Something. Anything. As long as I don't stay silent and forget as I've always done, I'm sure I'll get somewhere.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 1.31pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 1:31 PM

Roaming the Winds