Wandering with the Wind...

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I realised that what gave me such a subtle yet motivating mixture of pleasure and uncertainty over the past few weeks was really just a massive delusion I've fallen prey to. Why am I making such an effort when I know full well that it's all in vain? Am I trying hard to prove myself? Am I trying hard to believe that people will really acknowledge me not just for who I am, but for who I'm capable of being?

  Am I trying too hard to love and feel loved?

  He commands my interest in such strange ways, and I wish no more than to attain a level of friendship with someone that would fulfill that hollow in me I've felt for too long a time. In almost all aspects I admire him; art, confidence, charisma, sensibility, intellect, individuality and overall character, amongst many others. In many ways, he's the type of person I've been hoping to find since many years ago when I first gained some sense of direction in my inner pursuits. He's someone on the same wavelength, someone with such an adequate balance of character and ability that I find more than sufficient reason to excuse his rather (prominent) flaws. I like him very much, I'll just be honest. Yet it's strange that while we can talk both casually and formally depending on the situation, there's this invisible barrier of communication that we can never get past. I can never connect to him as much as I wish to. I can never show him care, concern, attention and thought beyond what mere words can convey, and it troubles me because it frustrates me only too often. While he looks people in the eye, I evade people's gazes - not because I do not wish to open my heart to them, but rather because I can't. I just can't, and I don't know why!

  In so many ways I fail at being a person one can love. When I first told a close friend about my feelings for him, her reaction was one of surprise: "I never thought you were that kind of person." What kind of person? Pray tell, what kind of person? A person who can love? A person who can be loved? An utterly normal human being who is just as weak to the command of emotion and desiring the warmth of acknowledgement as any other? Do I appear to be the kind of person who walks a path of my own, cold and uncaring about the affairs of others, desperate to be independent and yet, in moments of need, become so emotionally driven that it irks my companions? Do I appear to be lacking in something that all others have, this quality, this strange unfathomable and distant quality I have failed to attain, which draws affection and acceptance so readily and naturally?

  As for him, I know he likes someone else, not necessarily in that sense, but at least at a much deeper level. It was something I've acknowledged ever since I fished out the truth from the jumbled mess of my feelings not too long ago; in a way, I knew somewhere within that the efforts I make will be futile, that I'm being foolish, that in the end, ultimately, I'd be the one losing. I'm tired, and there's a feeling of resignation right now. I think I should give up, I really should, before this hurts me more than it already does.

  But why can't I stop? Why can't I forget it and move on?

  Why is it that I know I can never be truly loved, and yet I can't stop loving?

***

~~~*Waited for the Winds at 12.54am*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 12:54 AM

Roaming the Winds