Wandering with the Wind...

Sunday, April 29, 2012

I wonder what it is about them that scares me sometimes. The Art class dinner three days ago was quite chaotic for me, because instead of just having two to three people I'm more familiar with (Yuxuan and Ahmad, and maybe Jonat), the group ended up growing to include Eugene and Batara and a couple of other seniors. I don't know, I initially thought I'd be perfectly fine with it, but after a while I just started feeling strangely cornered and for a good amount of time I couldn't control my emotions very well. Being around too many people just made me feel suffocated. I felt the urgent need to get out, to go away, to be with myself...and it surprised me, because it's been a long time since my control has wavered this much in public.

I know Yuxuan and Ahmad noticed because as much as I was avoiding everyone's gazes, I was still observing from peripheral vision, and I knew they were making subtle attempts to approach me or just stay nearby. And small gestures like offering food...I appreciated that. Maybe it's true that guys show concern in a way that's rather fundamentally different from girls, and to be perfectly honest, I find myself liking it quite a lot. It feels much less cheesy and more sincere, more reassuring.

You know, actually now that I think back on it, my loss of control might have been (partially) due to the movie Yuxuan and I watched earlier in the art room that day. A large part of it dealt with issues of loneliness, and not just loneliness...it was about being utterly, totally, inexplicably alone, an idea I tend to take for granted whenever I consider that topic. Perhaps it struck a chord somewhere deep but obscure and I wasn't quite aware of its impact until a bit of it manifested during dinner. But oh well. Whatever the case is, it was a thought-provoking movie, and rather brilliantly shot too. I might blog my views some other time.

That aside, it was Yunteng's birthday the day before yesterday. I felt a bit sorry for not attending their dinner celebration, and I hope I managed to make up for it by helping Ahmad and Yanyong paint the shirt (ahaha not very well done, actually, but I suppose it's the thought that counts...), but I really wasn't sure if I would be struggling to control my emotions again and I didn't want to spoil things for them. They deserve to have fun, to be the energetic youths they are. I didn't want to ruin their mood with my own personal issues. This art class...this bunch of people...I love them too dearly. I don't want to trouble them if I can afford it.

Anyway, it was probably good that I stayed, because Yue and I had the whole room to ourselves and so we had a long talk, during which I got a chance to reflect a little upon the recent occurrences in my life. What really set me thinking was Yue's advice to never hate myself no matter what happens. It's a very common-sensical piece of advice, but it came at the right time. Yue was concerned about me because she thinks I've been looking exceptionally tired and depressed over the past few weeks, even though I myself wasn't quite aware of it. To be honest JC life has been so fulfilling that I wasn't actually hating myself lately...but what she said made me realise that I have before, and not too long ago, and that if I don't take care of my life I may very well loose my footing and fall right back into the same hole again. Since I'm born in this physical body, there is no way to escape unless in death, and if I'm going to choose to live I might as well learn to love myself for who I am.

Yue's right. I'm the only one who can really change myself. I'm the only one who can help myself, and I must start to see that soon.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 2.32pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 2:44 PM

Roaming the Winds