Wandering with the Wind...

Sunday, April 22, 2012

A chat with a friend yesterday somehow ended up on the topic of ostracising and pandering to norms, and as much as it was merely a brief discussion, it reminded me quite abruptly of my own childhood. For once in a long, long while, something that no longer existed so palpably in my life brought me close to the verge of tears. Everything was over, perhaps, but not gone as I had wished. It took me a moment to realise that.

Memories resurfaced. Faces bobbed. Voices rose. In that lonely hour, I was back to being a hapless child trapped in the shadows of uncertainty and confusion, wondering, for all the world, why that last empty seat at the table circled by a group of children couldn't be taken by me. You know, you have no idea how glad I am that I'm no longer a child now. I'm also glad, and immensely grateful, that those around me aren't children anymore either.

It's a huge relief to know that those times have passed and wouldn't come again in quite some time.

Right. So I looked through the past few posts on my blog and realised that I haven't really been updating much about my life; my posts, if I do take the time to write one occasionally, have been getting shorter and more emotionally-packed. It seems as if my ability to express what I feel in writing has dissolved into something akin to a desperate struggle for words, as most of the time I appear to be hastily chucking in one thing after another, hoping too fervently to get them off my chest, to roll the stones from summit to valley. I don't know if it's good, really. For one thing, it would serve the comforting function of a rant, but it could also delude me into believing that shallow and emotionally-driven rants can actually amount to anything. I need to be aware of the watershed between emotion and thought. I need to make the thresholds of my mind clear and distinctive, just in case wave after wave of emotion pulls me, once again, to depths from which I cannot extricate myself.

Life for the past few months has been rather...queer, I should say. One thing that is certain, though, is that I love JC regardless of all the crap that has been shoved onto our plates within barely a term. There is one community I cannot help but dedicate nearly all my love and attention to, and that is H2Art, an all-too-amazing bunch of people I am only too exhilarated and grateful to have met. I love everything about it - from the people to the work (well perhaps not so much of quantity of work, but that's a different matter), staying back in the art room until godforsaken hours of the night, having class dinners, drawing together, fooling around, getting scolded...every single damn thing, really. After a horribly depressing sec 4, it was a humongous change to have something you actively cherish and look forward to every day of the week, and I can't say enough to express the amount of gratitude and appreciation I have for this long-awaited blessing in my life. I felt like I belonged. I belonged, and I can't believe how long it took to finally feel this way.

There are of course problems like my feelings for that friend of mine, but I welcome them because they provide me with new experiences that will prepare me for what is to come in future. I have been thinking over the past few days...that no matter how much I like him, I do not want this to intervene with our friendship. In a sense, Grace is right. There is something I see in him that I hold special to me, because I would rather bear the weight of my emotions and suppress my feelings than take a risk and lose everything altogether. It wasn't like this with my friend in P6. Even though my decision to confess at that time could have been due to my childish and immature mindset, I believe that this disparity still means something, no matter how obscure it is. I'll bear with it, and I'm determined to continue being silent about it.

After all, I'm not hurting anyone by liking him. As long as it remains known only to myself and a couple of trusted friends, at the end of the day, even if it's all a distant dream (and it almost certainly is), it's a relief to know that the only person I'd be hurting is myself. Yue asked me if I could guarantee that I won't be majorly affected. I replied very honestly that I can't. I will make sure not to hurt anyone else, but I know I can't protect myself, because the thing with me is that while I don't love easily, when I do, I can climb very high...and fall very hard. I don't mind, though. I knew when I started out that it will happen, but I know my feelings, and I will not deny them.

I'm not looking for romance - just a purpose, some meaning, something to look forward to and to curb the advances of depression. I'm satisfied as long as the friendship can continue.

Alright, enough for tonight, I should go hit the hay now.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 2.18am*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 2:18 AM

Roaming the Winds