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Wednesday, May 30, 2012
It's been three days in New York now, and I've begun to realise, with some inexplicable sense of horror, that what little control I have over my emotions seems to be diminishing at an alarming rate. My life is literally like an emotional roller-coaster now. I find myself rather frequently plagued by bouts of immense loneliness and depression whose reasons I fail to identify, and these are often of such great magnitude that the effects occasionally manifest in physical form; wave after ruthless wave, roiling madness in the chambers of the heart that threaten to rip apart the organ from within and renders one incapable of speech for a good while. There are so many things I want to say but can't, too many things I wish fervently to do but choose to stop myself because I don't deem myself worthy enough. I'm always thinking that I am being too selfish, having all these desires and actually harbouring the childish hope that there is enough in the regularities of life to accommodate them. Yet somewhere inside I know...I know that these are the things I live for, and without which the perceptions I have constructed of this world would crumble right before my eyes. These are the things I will perpetually hold dear in my dreams.
Yesterday I asked Ahmad on the bus if he found me annoying in any way, to which he replied with an expression of incredulity, but I really can't tell if he was being honest. After all, I never know if this loneliness I feel would drive me to unconsciously become more clingy than I think, or to become so dependent on people for emotional comfort that I become sensitive to even the slightest nuance that would discourage a relationship. You know, it really didn't use to be this bad. I really didn't use to be so easily hurt by people. Sometimes I feel as if I can't take it anymore, for everything is overwhelming...it's flooding all my senses and making any prospect of clear-headed thinking nearly impossible. I want to just fade away, and live, and die, and pass through the current of time like the mere passing of a second - quick, transient, insignificant and forgotten. I want to forget. I don't want to have to think about this. I want to be free.
Let me go. Let me go. Let me go.
***
~~~*Waited for the Winds at 11.53pm*~~~
Thanks to all the blogs the designer referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
