Wandering with the Wind...

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Man, I can't believe how badly I screwed up yesterday. A perfectly ordinary conversation just...suddenly took such an abrupt turn, and the next thing I knew, I was overwhelmed by a torrent of emotions of such strength that I couldn't explain myself at all. I think my friends just matter way too much to me, really. I don't have many, but I cherish and love the ones I do have more than anything else in the world.

That's why I was so desperate yesterday. What he said. What he was feeling. I know perfectly how it feels, how horrible it feels, and I know only too well the kind of resignation such feelings are coupled with when you finally give up on yourself and slip under the surface, and watch as your dreams and hopes and desires - all the little things that make life worth living - become blurred light that filters through the water from a distant sun...That gray zone between hope and despair, that's where he is. It's a good thing that he's still aware of his ideals, of the fact that he wants to pursue them no matter how discouraging circumstances may be, that there is still the strength in him to will and desire. But if this continues, as he is indeed allowing to continue...how long can this strength last? Will it sustain him? Is this reserve really as endless as he thinks?

I'm worried, I really am. The prospect of there being only so much time before a person will sink past that gray zone into the bourne of utter deep-sea darkness is terrifying. What happens then? What happens when a person truly gives up hope and loses the ability to dream at all? Will we, will I, still be able to reach him then? He says he's tumbling down the flight of stairs of life so fast and waving at people as he passes by. He's tumbling past me now, this very moment. This is where we are. And where does he think he's going? Where does he want to go?

I don't want to see another soul go down in a world that forgets and abandons too fast and too ruthlessly. It hurts me too much to think of it, to be reminded of my loss of faith in humanity, which I have already acknowledged quite a long while ago, and of the rapidly depleting hope I still retain whenever I watch such things happen around me. It depresses me so much I can't take it. What is the world doing! Why is nobody noticing all these things! Why is everyone OKAY with it?

I don't want him to lose himself.

I don't want to lose him.

It all sounds so melodramatic, so fantastical, but this is what I see, and this is what I know will happen because I have been through all that fracas and back myself. Maybe that's why it affected me so much. Maybe that's why I was so distressed about it, and unlike what he seems to delude himself into believing, I know there isn't much time left. We're all living in a dimension where the clock has ticked, ticks and will continue ticking. There's no way to escape, nowhere to run...not now, not when we can only dream of it. Wake up, man, wake up! Come back to us. Damn it.

I want to believe, I want to be convinced, I want to know, that what we're living in...isn't a hopeless world. Not entirely.

***

~~~*Waited for the Winds at 11.14am*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 11:14 AM

Roaming the Winds