Wandering with the Wind...

Friday, May 11, 2012

I've got no one to talk to now but I really have to let it out, so. It was alright, he was very understanding and I thank god for that, but I found out so many things that I had no idea was happening behind my back all this while...man, it's confusing me so much, and the whole little world upon which my perceptions were built seems to be warping at such great speeds it's hard to keep up with the changes. All these people. All these voices saying things. They were involved, a lot more than I thought, and I just can't believe how I had been so oblivious to all of this!

I'm confused, I'm really confused now. At some level I believe it's impossible to deny that I'm feeling insulted and stupid and as if I had just made a humongous mockery of myself. I know they did those things out of concern, and I definitely do appreciate it, but...couldn't someone have told me something? Something, anything, about all this bull that's circulating behind my back? They were worried about what would become of the class if this continued. They were worried that I would hurt the persons involved, disrupt their relationships, and be unreasonable in my attempts to pursue what I desire. Really, though, I can't help but feel hurt that they would even think of me as someone capable of that, and find such thoughts so justifiable that they even put in the effort and time to consciously worry about the possibilities. Is this the kind of image I present to others? That I would hate people simply because they deter me from getting what I hope for? That I would be insensitive in my advances? That I don't care about the people around me? That I can't control my own affairs at all and that closure can only be brought about by external intervention?

Why do they think I'm so incapable? Why do they think I pose such a threat to the perfect little world they don't wish to see shattered by a hand so ruthless?

Why. did. they. choose. to. care. for. me??? I don't deserve it, god, I don't deserve all this, not with all the shit I pulled and the hurt I've brought upon them for which I find it hard to forgive myself. Why couldn't they have let me fail on my own? Why couldn't they have let me learn my lesson and pick myself up afterwards, because then they wouldn't be dragged into all this, they wouldn't be hurt, they wouldn't have had to deal with my crap! I promised I wouldn't hurt anyone. I hoped so badly that I wouldn't be, and I thought I was doing alright - but what is this? What is this? Why were they affected? Why were all these people hurt?

Okay. Okay. I gotta calm down. I'm over-thinking things. I gotta calm down.

God-fucking-damnit.

...I just feel so guilty, you know, so damn guilty. The two involved nearly cried over this, apparently; I heard they couldn't take the stress, which was why they told a third person, and finally resorted to telling him directly of their own accord. He was worried too. And all this while I was being a selfish bastard too self-absorbed and enveloped in my own miseries and worries to notice just how fucking stupid I was behaving, how badly I was hurting others, and how I was trampling upon others' feelings by stressing them out with my personal affairs. I had no idea I troubled so many people. I wasn't used to being cared for, to having people being concerned about me...but that doesn't mean I could be so obtuse!

Who did I think I was? Who do I think I am? What right have I to make them worry?

I wish I could apologise to every single one of them and mend that gaping hole I've ripped in the fabric of our relationships, but that's very difficult to do right now, because I'm extremely confused with my own emotions. Regardless of the outcome, I still have feelings for him, and even with the death of hope it is difficult to sweep such a humongous carcass so blatantly beyond the threshold of my heart. I'm frustrated. I want to let it go. I want to forget all about this, about what my past self has done, about what I'm doing, and forget that I had once been so banal to hope and begin pursuing in the first place.

I've made such a gigantic fool of myself that I can't even recognise who I really am anymore.

Now I know that I should no longer tell others so easily about what I feel. I should become better at keeping things to myself, at hiding, at bottling things up - because I must not allow myself to hurt others anymore. I'm willing to bear the pain as long as nobody else is involved!

I have to protect them. I have to protect them from me.

Aurinya blogged at 5:01 PM

Roaming the Winds