Wandering with the Wind...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

The greater the length of time, the more I have come to realise just how much he really means to me. It's a genuine compulsion to care that convinces me so; I hear a small voice at the back of my head, and I feel the little tugs at the corner of my heart that would remind me only too often of a space I have reserved deep within myself for him. A space just for him, and only for him.

Now the question I'm asking myself is...should I open the doors?

I know I have the key, and probably in quite a few aspects, he has the key as well. He just doesn't know it. The knowledge of his cluelessness puts me in a situation where I have no idea whether I should laugh or cry - and the more I look upon him with affection, concern, understanding and all such things attributed to love, the more I discover overtime, and the more...vulnerable he becomes in my eyes. A child, a hapless individual, something abandoned and unfound, existing but unknown. They say that love blinds, but personally I believe it clarifies my vision. With eyes that begin to perceive and ears that start to listen with unprecedented awareness, I am tuned in wholly to his voice, to his thoughts, to his feelings, right down to the smallest nuances he obliviously conveys. It's a strange and almost ethereal state to be in, hearing the same things as before but listening to so much more.

At some point in the past few weeks, what I have for him has transited from mere feelings to something which, in the context of my interpretation, is akin to love. I don't even know if it was an ordinary "crush" to begin with, to be perfectly honest. Due to the nature of my comprehension of interpersonal relations, I have become incapable of superficial infatuations and obsessive crazes and am only able to acknowledge, as "love", genuine feelings retrieved from the mesh of emotional influx I experience day by day. These are feelings I will not discard. These are feelings I will not sweep under the carpet and forget, because I might have tried, only too many times, but failed too many times as well.

Now I say with hardly any hesitation that I love him, and it does not trouble me to say so. I know I do. I know I do when the notion of concern for him begins to take on an almost selfless quality, and which is a transition that is entirely voluntary.

I know I am still an adolescent and I know the limits to what I am able to give him. That doesn't mean, however, that I can't give what I have. Age cannot restrict me, and time means nothing in the pursuit of something whose meaning and purpose does not depend upon it. I'm prepared to give all I have, whether he is aware of it or not, whether he appreciates it or lets it pass by unacknowledged. At this level I no longer care about acknowledgement anymore. I just wish the best for him in every sense of the word, and I hope he attains it, that he finally manages to gain what he has been denied only too long.

At the end of the day, even if my feelings are unrequited, I will still thank him for having given me a purpose to steer myself forward. His existence bestows me with the ability to love, and, with it, the ability to live, and there is no other thing for which I can be more thankful.

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~~~*Waited for the Winds at 8.50pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 8:50 PM

Roaming the Winds