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Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Sometimes I feel such a strange desire to walk away from a person and vanish quietly from existence such that someone else may take my place and receive what he is able to give. But this 'desire' is perhaps not so much of desire as the resigned recognition of a self-imposed perception of need; the need to make someone else happy, the need to feel selfless, the need to free myself from my crippling existential guilt by convincing myself so thoroughly of my own worthlessness, of the fact that I'm not entitled to anything to begin with, that this very feeling of guilt saves me from falling into the abyss of my own collapsed value systems. What I give is recompense, and giving is merely an act of returning something I do not deserve to its rightful owner. I give to right a wrong. I give to efface myself.
Perhaps Heroism is applicable here after all, because even when I attempt so ruthlessly with such morbid (and maybe even masochistic) vigor to eliminate myself, I do so with the thought of bettering someone else's life in the process. At some subconscious level, I am unable to rid my mind of the idea that I matter - that no matter how much I prostrate myself, how derogatory my self-perceptions are, my existence still affects the world around me regardless of the smallness of magnitude. If I were gone, a worthier soul would have been born. If I were gone, the world wouldn't have had to waste resources on a sluice. If I were gone, my friends would have found better persons to love, to spend time with, to live more fulfilling lives with. If I were gone, if I were gone, if I were gone. But I'm not gone, and I most definitely won't be for a while. The world I come into contact with would be influenced whether I like it or not. The past is set in a certain way, the present is as it is now, the future is heading in some direction, all because I've been born, and am still existing, living, breathing and moving on this plane. Things have happened because I'm here. Things would have happened if I'm not. I am unable to completely erase myself.
And so I beat myself to the ground, minute by minute, second by excruciating second, over and over and over and over again.
***
~~~*Left with the Winds at 1.05am*~~~
Thanks to all the blogs the designer referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
