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Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sometimes I wish I still retained half the apathy I had earlier in the year, because I realised that I've indeed become too dependent on people over the past few months; I'm too used to having their presence in my vicinity, too used to having someone to turn to whenever I'm down and in need of human comfort...too used to being distracted and capable of forgetting myself anytime in the day. Well, a large part of myself that is. Not too long ago I've finally come to the dismal conclusion that I can't live with myself at all, and I'm tired...I'm just so tired nowadays, and I don't have a clue as to the reason for this crippling mental fatigue. There seems to be a rather disconcerting lack of interest in past passions (though I really hope that they're merely lying dormant somewhere) and an inability to do what I used to love - not art, not lit, not playing the piano or writing stories or taking strolls at night or letting myself get carried away by the adrenaline of gaming. My academics are crashing all around me. My friendships and relations are confusing me. My family is suffocating me. Worse still is the fact that I have begun to rapidly lose touch with my alternate realities and spiritual connections, the invisible reserves of faith and mystery that had once propelled me to find meaning in even the most insignificant of things.
Now, all of a sudden, I can't seem to feel them anymore.
Where are they? Where are all those things I used to love? Where have they gone, where am I now, and just who have I become?
Sometimes I feel as if I'm barely keeping myself above the surface, because now that I've regained the ability to truly care for others and love someone, I'm making myself extremely vulnerable by accepting these external ties and in the interim opening my heart to the rawest of brutalities. It drains me to care, but I want to - need to, because it's the last thing I can cling unto before I lose myself completely in the fracas of my own self-induced crises. Being able to say "I love you" is one of the strongest reassurances I've ever had; it lifts me from the deepest of ditches I've thrown myself into, and in those moments I'd feel as if my existence is just a little worthy because of what I'm able and willing to give.
I need you. I need to love you.
And that's why I can never...never stop being hurt.
***
~~~*Left with the Winds at 8.09pm*~~~
Thanks to all the blogs the designer referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
