Wandering with the Wind...

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Clarence initiated an MSN conversation at the most opportune moment today morning, when I had just woken up and was sitting before my com in utter denial of all that had transpired yesterday night...and he sat down with me and helped me clear some things up, helped me blow away some of the fog that had been making it terribly difficult to see beyond my immediate vicinity. It still hurts, of course, horribly - a dull, throbbing ache in my heart and a constriction of the lungs that are making me lose all will to move beyond my bedroom (or myself, really) into the external realm of life. I'm trying to come to terms with everything, to take the state of things as they are. It's hard, but I'm trying.

My clearest memory of yesterday night was the downward spiral that quickly brought us straight into the darkest pits before either of us could take stock of all that was happening. We were both very distressed, and the conversation escalated into something akin to a chaotic shouting match in which both of us couldn't express ourselves clearly, or rather the message would be lost to the other party even while it was being sent, because we couldn't listen to each other over the stampede of individual thoughts in our heads. On my side, I was hurt because of what I found out and badly in need of assurance, which, understandably, he couldn't give at that point in time, and I was attempting the arduous task of reconciling the painful discovery with all the sweet moments we shared for the past couple of months, trying to hold myself together against my own overwhelming sense of guilt and desperation at the prospect of losing him - of perhaps having already lost him. On his part, the knowledge of Ahmad divulging everything to Yunteng and my confrontation probably came as a rude shock to him and he was feeling slighted by the entire world, that nobody gives a fuck, that things are crashing down and he has failed and he was completely confused with the situation himself. All this amounted to a disastrous two-way rant that barely resolved anything in the end.

There were quite a few things he said that were extremely hurtful, and I know at some point in time I did the same too. But it doesn't change the fact that I could literally feel parts of me die upon hearing those words...part by part, reality over illusion, buckets after buckets of ice water poured over eyes that fail to close. There was a sort of cold, mocking laughter that he carried with him throughout the conversation, presumably his 'second defense mechanism', which chilled me right to the bone; it almost felt as if I was staring at a part of him I never knew about and all the endearing familiarity was whipped away in an instant, locked up in an inaccessible place like a frozen smile. Beckoning, but untouchable. I didn't know who I was talking to. I didn't know what we were talking about. I felt as if he was stepping out the door and pushing me away from him, and that all it took was just that one final, resounding slam to signal that everything was over.

Closure.

But no, it's not over, it can't be over...I'm in complete denial. And because I trust that our love and understanding for each other is deep enough to pull us through this tidal wave...I'm going to sit down and type out all that I've felt, the reasons for why I said all the things I said yesterday, what I'm feeling now, what I perceive about the current situation, and what I understand about your side of the story. I'm going to be perfectly honest. I'm going to make the effort to communicate.

And it's not just about me - it never has been.

So please, please sit down and read, even if some of them are old and hoary, some of them are silly and childish, some of them are selfish and unreasonable, some of them are pathetic and hopeless. I ask of you only one thing, and that is time. Time. Patience. Love. It's going to be a long post, but please bear with me, just for this while...I need you to understand.

During yesterday's conversation, you said that I was merely being naive and simplistic when I asked from you the truth, because things and people are complicated and it's only childish to think you could get a definite answer. In some ways you are right, in some ways you aren't - because I'm not looking for a definite answer. What I wanted to know was the state of things as they are. I told you in the mac lab yesterday morning that I cannot be appeased by semi-truths, 'harmless half-truths', because I cannot find solace in hollow illusions even if all it takes is really just to convince myself wholly that it is real, to subscribe to this collective illusion and its myriad of value systems, codes, rules and regulations...it's not hard, not for normal people. But I'm problematic. I just can't do it no matter how hard I try.

And that is why I asked you if you really loved me, whether all that we did together for the past two months was all "an act", but you flared up because you mistook it for a ruthlessly thoughtless questioning of your love and dedication itself. Yuxuan, I have eyes, I have hands...I see you every early morning and am well-acquainted with the tenderness of your expression and the faraway gaze in your eyes, and I feel the strength of your love and need in our interlocked fingers and the occasional tentative squeeze you would deliver to my hand. I'm not obtuse, I'm not unreasonable...or at least I try my best not to be. What I really meant when I asked that question was not if you loved Yunteng all this while and was being a complete arsewank by brandishing an elaborate charade, but whether you know what you did for me was truly out of sincere compulsion or a subconscious submission to obligatory notions. What I mean is, sometimes value systems may be so well-wrought and deeply ingrained that people are capable of convincing themselves that an ebbing feeling is still strong and burning, and would do anything that fits into that perception at least for a significant period of time.

I wanted you to be sure for yourself. I wanted to...exhort you to truly see for yourself if you are deluding yourself about your commitment to this relationship, even if, worst comes to worst, it eventually results in your decision that you don't love me after all. I'm not sure how comfortable you are with half-truths, but I know I don't want to live in an illusion, with my life centered around a hollow space perceiving something that isn't actually there...and that is why...that is why I wanted to give you the chance to choose, to pull yourself out if you were to suddenly realise that you really don't love me as much as you thought you did, or...anymore.

But I am human after all, and I admit I was extremely shocked when I read that second last entry in your journal yesterday...about your feelings for Yunteng, about how you wondered about what it would be like to be "in love with her too", to "touch her, kiss her"...the words slapped me in the face, they really did. I was angry. I was hurt. I was absolutely confused. In those moments, it really felt as if everything was crashing around me and warping in torturously unreadable patterns and all I could think of was..."how could you do this?", because the world didn't matter then when my own emotions were pulling me down under and making it hard to breathe.

I was scared, Yuxuan, so...so scared, for the reason why I stopped urging you to tell her a while ago was because I thought the pressure was too great on you, and since things seemed to be looking relatively good lately between you two, I thought I'd just leave you to pick things up at your own pace since I trusted that you would be able to handle things well. I never thought it was because you were...vacillating. And when you said that you wanted to "leave that door open", something in me died right then and there, and I felt as if I was instantly relegated to the equivalent of a worthless object to be used in need and discarded when all that it is able to give has been taken out of it. My childhood memories resurfaced; memories of the bathroom door closing on me and leaving me in complete darkness for three hours because I did something wrong, of the kindergarten doors closing as my grandparents return home and leave me in a social circle I can never be a part of, of my parents closing the door as they leave for work and I'm left alone in the house...alone, alone, alone. Abandoned. Forgotten. Useless. Unworthy. I did something wrong, didn't I? You were going to leave me. You were prepared to leave me, to turn to the other option when I'm done for.

Wasn't that what you were scared of as well? Being abandoned and thrown away when no longer needed?

I wasn't good enough, wasn't good enough to keep you by my side. Who was I to think that I could be justified in seeking your attention and time, to try to pull you along simply for a walk back to the art room, to think that you'd be willing to inconvenience yourself for something so trivial? Why didn't I notice earlier and just confront you about it? Why can't I break off even now? Why am I so desperate when I think of losing you? These questions...these pounding, haunting questions...were all that went through my head at that time.

And then there came the crushing existential guilt, because if I didn't exist in the first place, I wouldn't have been a 'viable option' up against Yunteng. I wouldn't have had taken you away from her and caused her all that unnecessary stress and pain, as it's evident now that if I hadn't jumped in you would have had more time to nurture your feelings for her, and...who knows? Perhaps it would have been the two of you together by the end of this year. It was worse yesterday, because apparently you have feelings for her too, and now that both of you are actually inclined towards each other I felt like a thorough bastard by standing right in your way. If I weren't here, you wouldn't have had to make a choice between the two of us, to close one door just to open the other. And all this went on to hating myself for having feelings, for needing love, for being desperate, for being human. A helpless human. That's all I am.

I was angry, Yuxuan, and I was angry with myself for being angry, just like what you did at so many points in time. Look at me, dear. I'm just like you. All the bad things, all the good things...I'm just like you.

But I've thought about it yesterday night and today morning, and after talking to Ahmad and Clarence, I realised that vacillating is not as uncommon among boys as I had thought so naively. Apparently it is normal for guys to waver and be attracted to new persons who come along, to be inclined to consider and try other alternatives, to what could have been and what may happen, and I know, I know that I'm not physically attractive, not so intelligent, not so capable, not particularly outstanding in anything, not to mention my personality probably causes you more distress than comfort at times. Perhaps that's what you meant when you said you wish you could love me "unconditionally". It's hard to look past my flaws, isn't it? I understand.

As much as this may sound very superficial, I know perfectly that I'm not pretty and cute like Yunteng and I can't make you laugh as much as she can...I can't give you anything beyond late nights and early mornings and a tentative hand through your hair and arms to hold you when you're down and let me know. Look at me, Yuxuan. I'm ugly. I'm revolting. I'm weak, cowardly, weird and all manners of screwed. When you tell me that I'm beautiful, it's only because you see me in soft light, dim light, or no light at all, because the ambiguity of vision mellows all the salient flaws that would otherwise turn you away from me in less than an instant. We like to convince ourselves that spiritual fulfillments are enough to cover the flaws in tangible flesh and the hollowness of physicality - we all do, and it's part of what makes up a heroic perception of ourselves...the desperate conviction that we can transcend the animalistic pursuits that govern our primary instincts, that we can conquer the superficiality of our desire for surface aesthetics and ostensible perfection, that we can love "unconditionally", disregard all prejudices that may taint our judgments, and suffuse humanity with the glow of purity.

I'm used to disregarding physicality, however, perhaps not completely but at least suffice to look past many things if it means I could excavate the innermost entity residing within a person. I'm used to delving fully into the spiritual because of all my insane experiences and incessant pondering, and my desire to escape reality has been so strong for the past few years that death, like I told you, is just an open door for me, before which I deliberate for various inexplicable reasons. But what about you? Will you be able to do so? Do you still want to try?

Are you sure you'll be fine with walking beside a physical body full of flaws, with a spirit that cannot anchor itself to proper reality and has to constantly struggle to hold together its flimsy panels of flesh with enough decency to exhibit before others? Will you be embarrassed? Will you be ashamed, ashamed of me?

I understand if you decide that you can't do it or don't wish to try any further. After all, like what Clarence reminded me of today morning...It's hard to control one's feelings, and at the end of the day fundamental desires are still the undeniable basis of many pursuits. I don't blame you for having feelings for Yunteng. It would be unreasonable of me to do so, though I probably sounded too self-absorbed during the confrontation yesterday because I wasn't in my best state of mind, and I'm sorry for all the hurt that I caused you. It wasn't because I don't understand, and even if I didn't then, I tried, and I'm trying now, and I'll try all the same for whatever happens in future no matter how things turn out.

Because...because I love you. I love you only too much, and whatever happened yesterday only served to reinforce this realisation; I was really desperate yesterday night, so desperate that I surprised myself because I had never gotten down on my knees to plead with anyone or anything before, mentally at the very least. I also realised that thoughts take on a highly vivid visual quality when I enter that kind of state of self-consuming desperation, but I digress.

I can't afford to lose you. There is nothing I can lose anymore. You're the reason why I no longer wake up every morning and sit in bed for five agonising minutes hoping that the notion of school could magically disappear. You're the reason why I no longer cry in bed every night over the hollowness and utter lack of meaning I perceive in my world and my life. You're the reason why I stopped hurting myself, and cutting myself, and using the rubber bands just to give myself a semblance of the intensity of feeling it takes to live. You're the reason. You're the reason for almost everything now.

I don't know how much of what I said in the mac lab remains in your memory by now, but I believe I tried to express to you that you're the one and only person who has managed to save me from the persistent yet corrosive need to run away from reality. I have landed in this ambiguous state because of you; there are now things in reality I would do whatever I can to stay for, and if you take yourself away now, even if you somehow got yourself convinced that your absence from my life would do me boundless good, this fragile equilibrium is going to crash right into nothingness right before my eyes. I won't be able to live, I won't. I can no longer fulfill myself with the pleasurable notions of escapism into the indefinite realm of spirituality, nor would I be able to find another anchor in reality. Please don't leave me stranded here. I won't be able to find a way out.

You're everything to me, Yuxuan, everything. I don't know how much I mean to you now...but I say my words with complete conviction, because there is no other person in my heart right now, and there won't be another heart I will take.

I was too scared and exhausted to bring myself to say "I love you" yesterday. I'm sorry.

I love you. I love you, forever and ever and ever.

***

~~~*Left with the Winds at 1.12pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 1:13 PM

Roaming the Winds