Wandering with the Wind...

Sunday, August 26, 2012

After a while, having been so mindlessly engaged in the comings and goings of life and people and events and things for the past few months...I've forgotten how simple everything could be if only I could find it in myself to just let go. After all it's not something I'd have to go out of my way to strive for; I've always had the ability to do so, only I've thrown myself so willingly into the elaborate beauty of a rare illusion that was able to fully capture my heart and soul and sate these two famished beasts, that I cannot even conceive of any prospect of leaving it now...leaving this cage, this intricate home that offers at once the tender nourishment I need and the concentrated bouts of pain and misery that would make me throw myself against the bars in a desperate frenzy - until a cursory glance across the bleak and wintry landscape that spans for miles and miles beyond, with its howling wind, its battered trees, its excruciating whiteness and biting cold and blank scrutiny of the greying skies...makes me realise with a crushing sense of dejection that there's simply nowhere else to go.

And now, like most other illusions in which I've dived and nearly drowned, this one has begun to seem almost on the brink of dissipating right before my eyes into the cold, hard realisation of nothingness. A small part of me deep in myself is curling up on the ground and breaking into sobs underneath the blanket - of me, of all the layers and layers and layers of me that impose unforgivingly upon that part of myself in a ruthless attempt to quash it completely from existence. But I can't. I can't disappear, and I can't make myself disappear. Deep inside I'm still a child who has never grown up over the past few years, and probably never will.

I want to run away, but I don't know where I can look to. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. I don't know how I'm going to survive. I don't know what life is like, should be like, and will be like. What should I do? What can I possibly do?

I've decided that if an appointment can be made in time, I'll go for a counseling session next wednesday, because I think I...really, really need it now. I'm desperate. I'm lost. I've reached the stage where my cynicism has failed to delude myself into believing that my reserve of strength can last me through the battle with myself, and now I want nothing more than to talk to someone who would want nothing from me but my honest words, who would accept my flaws, not with loving eyes but with understanding ones all the same.

...It's times like this that I wish...

I wish...

...I wish I knew what I wish for.

***

~~~*Left with the Winds at 10.44pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 10:44 PM

Roaming the Winds