Wandering with the Wind...

Saturday, August 18, 2012

I don't know how to explain myself anymore, really. The depressive episode yesterday was one of the few cases that had seemingly no identifiable trigger at all, but it affected my mood so badly that for a good hour or so I could concentrate on nothing but my feeble attempts at distracting myself from the rest of the world. It started when I was reading "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" behind the piano while waiting for the others to finish their meals, and then somehow in the middle of it all, my mood went on a rapid downward spiral and crashed when I heard that we'd missed Astro Night altogether. I drowned in a fug for the rest of the night after that.

It's all so baffling. I wasn't even particularly looking forward to Astro Night, but I suppose my mind subconsciously detected the signs of an upcoming episode and I was banking on some stargazing to keep me above the surface...which, of course, didn't happen in the end, and so I sat at the table and ignored everyone and occupied myself with drawing some senseless pieces of shit in my sketchbook. At first I went to Jonat's secluded corner to bother Yuxuan (threw a piece of crumpled up receipt through a gap between the boards), pretending to ask about what happened to our plans for Astro, but he was engaged in an animated conversation with Jonat - lying on the table and all - and I felt a little selfish for intruding so I left them to their devices. When he came out, though, I think he might have seen my expression before I could react fast enough to school it into something more convincingly normal, or at least an unreadable poker face. Berated myself quite some bit for that. The last thing I wanted was for him to worry about something inexplicable and bothersome like this, and yet I couldn't control myself well enough...as usual.

The only things I remembered of the next hour were just the barriers I'd erected between myself and the world, the white noise around me, the scraping of my pen against paper, Yuxuan's reassuring presence beside me, and the brief period of time where he tapped my arm continuously with his pencil until I wrote on my paper (and lied) that "it's alright".

Things got worse in the car; for a good while it felt as if time had somehow reversed, and I was back to being the helpless kid who would wake up frequently in the middle of the night, crying for my parents out of an irrational fear of the dark and suffocating desperation at being left alone. I thought of all the spectres that would plague my mind through lonely late nights: my nightmares, my wild imagination, my haunting paranoia that would urge me to make late-night toilet trips through the darkened walkways as quick and mindless as possible. I thought of my kindergarten episodes: my tantrums, my frustration, my loneliness, my bewilderment, my cluelessness, my classmates whom I could never love or be accepted by, my childhood.

God. Spirits. Dream companions. Astral projection experiences. Dimensions and forgotten planes. All my escapades with Endro regarding shared dreams, spirit guides, auric sensing, telepathy, telekinesis, intuition and all that psychic shit we were obsessed about.

My first crush in P6, our friendship, our misunderstandings, our embarrassment, our exasperation and my broken heart. Recesses spent at the pond drawing withering lilies and untouchable carps and thinking if I could step through the water into the tempting reflections of the sky. Breaks spent wandering through the chicken coops, talking to colourful parrots and cooing at drowsy pigeons. My first peacock feather from the kindly gardener. Sitting at the edges of the parade square watching the boys play table tennis and soccer and stealing quick but longing glances at him. Admiring the way he darts lithely through the crowd like an otherworldly being elevated by my adoration. The flutter of my heart as he leans over once and asks if I'm staying back for math supplementary. The tentative handshake he gave me in the stairwell wishing me good luck for our math exam. The paper notes we crushed in little balls (I still have some of them) and threw to each other whenever the teacher wasn't looking during class.

My confession, his blush, my evasion of his gaze. The boy who screwed up everything and made a big hullabaloo out of our secret exchange of notes. Running down the stairs, choking on the beating of my own heart, his footsteps behind me, his voice calling for me to wait.

"I can explain." "Half of what I said was true."

"It's okay."

Running away from him. Xu Ke giving me a piece of tissue as I cried against the trunk of a tree and hoping that passers-by would just take my behavior for momentary madness. My apology letter to him the next day. The time we never got to spend together. The words I never got to say to him.

His departure from my life. Entrance into an entirely new school and new environment. Ecstasy at the knowledge of being in the same class as Azalea, mild uncontrollable jealousy at Cher's first entrance into our trio and depriving me of Azalea's full attention. Crying over failed math tests before my form teacher in the balcony outside my class. Taking care of the 207 class plant. Sketchbooks full of mindless doodles and half-written fanfiction chapters. Hoping that school would end as soon as possible such that I may rush home to the comforting virtual world of Maplestory. Skipping Jap to play Audition with Jia Hui. Getting a girlfriend in Audition, being ditched, feeling mildly sad, and ignoring her when she came back a few weeks later. "You've gotten better with your moves." Words falling on deaf ears.

Separation from Azalea and Cher into new classes with the start of upper secondary. Polite glances, non-commital smiles, friendly and empty words. "What is your favourite subject?" "What do you like to do in your free time?" Desperation at my inability to find anyone to tag along with in class after a substantial number of weeks. Stretches of silence. Awkwardness and disappointment. Pretending that nothing happened. Learning after a while to just shut up and move away from people when they are busy. Delving into my art and the comforting prospect of spending time with Az and Cher after school everyday. The dread of waking up to school everyday. The lethargy in my arms as I pull my blouse over my shoulders, followed by the pinafore and the belt and the jacket. Slipping away from class during recesses. Saving money and buying new sketchbooks. More breaks spent at the pond, humming Naruto soundtracks and "All My Love" while observing the terrapin I named Terry. Poking rotten fruit with twigs, swinging fallen branches and dried bean pods, playing the flute behind the empty green men's quarters, accidentally stepping into a pile of dried leaves full of ants. Scooping a fallen damselfly from the water and setting it on the dry ledge of the gardener's shed.

Running away from art class to the pond and crying my eyes out in the light drizzle. Looking up at the cold blank skies and the reflection of a bleak future. Staring hard into the murky pond water hoping to find answers to the meaningless monstrosity of my life. Glancing up once and seeing three of my classmates on the fourth floor. Climbing up the stairs to meet them outside the classroom.

"What were you doing?" "I was just looking at the terrapins. Do you know that there are two of them now? A tiny one that likes to trail after the old one, but it's really shy and would duck underwater the moment I step near it. They look so cute together. I called it Pinny."

"Oh, okay."

Buying a stack of yellow post-its from the bookshop one day in a whim. Writing lousy poems on them and pasting a couple on a tree near the pond. Wondering if it would be the wind or a person who would take them away if I left them there for a few weeks. Going back once to find it on the floor after a heavy downpour, with the words written in bluish ink smudged beyond recognition.

Picking it up. Putting it back down.

My disappointment.

Giving up.

Turning and walking back up the stairs into the painful and familiar noise of the main campus.

***

~~~*Left with the Winds at 3.18pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 3:19 PM

Roaming the Winds