Wandering with the Wind...

Friday, August 10, 2012

I'm exhausted. The past two days have been a complete self-effacing blur, a pool of buzzing thoughts and churning emotions from which I would emerge from time to time, only to lose the strength to breathe and slip right underneath again. I went back to school today morning in an almost desperate attempt to distract myself by placing myself around people - or rather I hoped there would be people who could distract me, but turns out only a handful of Year Sixes were there in the morning. Wasted a few hours reading news articles and watching a couple of vids on Usain Bolt and the 2012 Olympics...tried to immerse myself in the mindless roll of statistic and hard fact and the occasional laugh at witty journalist remarks or hilarious pictures that turned up in the columns, which worked for a while, but then Facebook reminded me that I had to write my art education reflections for Yunteng and the effects wore off as quickly as they came. So I set some of Bruno Mars' songs on loop while typing to clear my head; "It Will Rain" and "Grenade" were pretty nice - old and rather mainstream songs, but I couldn't give a shit anymore.

Afterwards I tried to do some math, failed spectacularly, went to play the piano for a total of five tentative minutes, and then decided that I'd spare the Year Sixes the overlapping running notes - must be hard on the ears especially when the pianist doesn't give a fuck - and went back to the table to do some math again, at which point Siew came out from the Mac Lab and played some really calm and soothing songs on the piano. Chatted a little with him, mainly about music instruments and each other's music backgrounds, which was mildly uplifting, but the conversation didn't last more than a minute since we don't know much about each other. So I went back to my math again. I remember listening to Charisse and some other senior comparing Mrs Toh and Mr Chia while they ate their cup noodles at the table, Yong Xin asking me for the glue gun, and Yanyong knocking on the upper floor windows and displaying some colourful but exasperatingly unreadable body language - until I called him and we had a pretty ridiculous conversation staring at each other while speaking into our phones. He asked who was in the art room and where Yuxuan was, and I gave him the required answers. Originally thought he would be coming down, and I'm not sure why I actually felt a little hopeful, but he left for PW after that so I returned to my math.

At around 2pm Ahmad came back from prayers, and after checking up on Grace and Yuanyue in the coursework gallery and putting some food in their bowl (useless Sean Cham), we spent the rest of the afternoon at Jurong East library doing my math tuition questions together. We had a long talk during the train ride, but it didn't really help. Not that I expected it to anyway. The best I can do is just to try not to think about it...I've already thought about it too much, and now I just want to sleep, like I did for the most part yesterday. Sleep. Run into my dreams. Forget about the world. Be completely alone with myself.

Perhaps die a little too, so that I can wake up and taste life anew.

I'm sorry. These two words have been repeating in my head so persistently that I don't even know what exactly it is I'm apologising for anymore. I'm tired. I don't feel like I can hold on anymore. It's probably futile anyway, and it's just a matter of time before the crumbling rocks would sweep my hand away from the ledge, and I would be falling, down, down, down...straight into the embrace of cold, hard darkness. Buried. Discarded. Gone. A fossil of a desperate grip that failed to sustain itself, that's all I'll be.

I hope you'll read my previous post all the same, but I've thought very hard over the past two days and I guess I was wrong to plead...to humiliate myself...to show my desperation two nights ago. It's your right, it's your freedom after all...I won't chain you to me if you really don't want to stay by me anymore. I love you, but I don't want you to hurt. Just say the word. Just say the word, dear, and I promise I won't put up a fight. I promise I'll let you go, if you truly want to.

And I'll be watching as you fly, fly, fly away...I'll be there to catch you if you fall.

---

Boats and Birds - Gregory And the Hawk

If you'll be my star

I'll be your sky

You can hide underneath me and come out at night

When I turn jet black and you show off your light

I live to let you shine

And you can sky-rocket away from me

And never come back if you find another galaxy

Far from here with more room to fly

Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

If you'll be my boat

I'll be your sea

The depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity

Ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze

I live to make you free

But you can set sail to the west if you want to

And past the horizon till I can't even see you

Far from here where the beaches are wide

Just leave me your wake to remember you by

If you'll be my star

I'll be your sky

You can hide underneath me and come out at night

When I turn jet black and you show off your light

I live to let you shine

But you can sky-rocket away from me

And never come back if you find another galaxy

Far from here with more room to fly

Just leave me your stardust to remember you by

Stardust to remember you by.

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~~~*Left with the Winds at 7.21pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 7:21 PM

Roaming the Winds