Wandering with the Wind...

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Maybe I should consider seeking some form of treatment after all. I've been having this problem for eons, and I don't think learning to live with it (or barely coping in this case) is a permanent solution...or at least one that will make life marginally easier.

I just woke up from another two-hour nap because I'd already set half an hour worth of snoozes by the time I was conscious enough to drag myself out of bed. The morning was, as was usual for the past three days, amazingly unproductive. I did about three simple math questions from the differentiation tutorial and spent the rest of my time staring at some other questions I've done before, trying to get my sluggish brain to work faster and comprehend the teacher's alternative methods. When I finally did and moved on, I happened to return to it after lunch and had to struggle mildly to recall what I had gone through and understood just a mere hour ago. Perhaps it's because of what happened three days ago and for some reason I'm taking a hell lot of time to recuperate, but even if that's the case...it's still getting really out of hand, it really is. I can't get myself to work at all. It's like my mind is rebelling, even though I have enough willpower to force myself to sit in one place and try to do work; it'll just shut itself down and I'll be left staring blankly at all the work that needs to be done, waiting dumbly while the desperation builds up slowly but steadily and threatens to consume my entire being.

My lack of productivity over the past three days horrifies me. I've never had such a problem before...not really, because no matter how tired or distressed I was, I'd usually be able to tick off at least one or two significant items from my list of assignments at the end of the day, on top of school. Even if I somehow didn't end up doing proper academic work, I'd have done something relatively worthwhile with my time, like producing a piece of digital painting or sketching for hours on end and getting the practice for something I'm passionate about. But the past few days...the past few days were really just an indistinguishable blur. I didn't know what I was doing at all; I'd wake up at nine or ten and then sit before my com reading some articles (very slowly, might I mention), and shortly afterwards I would enter a kind of 'stoning' phase, during which my world would seem to stop still in relation to the minutes and hours flowing outside my bubble. A soup of messed-up time, placed before me in a tiny little bowl.

And after I'd contemplated that bowl enough and was sufficiently frustrated, I would crawl into bed in a plaintive attempt to shut out the urgent berating whispers of unforgiving clocks, and sail away from my own slave-driver of a conscience in a sinking boat.

***

~~~*Left with the Winds at 4.14pm*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 4:14 PM

Roaming the Winds