Wandering with the Wind...

Saturday, September 1, 2012

When I look back at all the months that preceded the disastrous events over the past week, I realised just how much this relationship has changed me and encouraged growth in so many aspects of my life and personality, that sometimes I can't even begin to explain that growing gap that separates me from my past self like a crevasse splitting along my inner landscape. Just like what you told me two days ago, when we were sitting together at the table gazing at the rain, filled to the brim with crushing misery in face of lives embittered by unsuccessful struggles and failed wars...

"I'm tired. I feel that something's broken in me now."

It's true, and at some level I've definitely lost a significant part of my innocence, and the colourful idealisms I used to hold so dear to me have been marred in ways I have yet to fully comprehend. What is helplessly certain is that I can no longer dream with the comforts of security, laugh and fool around and lunge with careless conviction into joyous moments, and trust as openly, behave as freely, or be as certain of the protection I am able to offer the innermost personalities that reside within myself. Walls have been built, strings have been cut, boundaries have been redrawn and new fences are in place. I'm no longer able to be a child, at least not to myself...not anymore.

But all that is a compromise I'm willing to make, because I've discovered the ability to love, even if the journey has been more arduous and draining than any I've ever made and will most likely present more unsurmountable heights in the long run. The steep summits in the distance are only small, grey blotches against a horizon that suppresses everything and betrays nothing - so harmless, so innocent, coming in peace and so reassuring of their amicable disposition, that it is inexplicably difficult to reconcile these fuzzy dots with the monstrous monoliths they really are. Illusions. Dreams. Lies. What used to be my greatest friends are now my most unforgiving adversaries, and sometimes I do not know whether to run or embrace them as they come, because I wouldn't know what exactly it is I'd be forsaking or welcoming anymore.

One thing you must know, however, is that there is absolutely nothing I regret, not all the memories we share, not all the times we've spent together, not all the pain we've caused each other - not all that we have...not all of our love. The previous week has taken a lot out of me; at one point in time it really took away my ability to live, and for once I felt with utter dismay and hopelessness what it truly is like to be a dead man walking. And yet it is the very fact that we had nearly reached the breaking point (I did, I crossed it, but I went back eventually) that I realised...I realised...

I realised just how much I love you.

That day, after I came back from the counsellor, I noticed just how horrible you looked. You were completely off. Your eyes were red and empty and staring so fixedly at the screen it seemed as if this distraction you allowed yourself was the...only lifeline you had to hold on to, amidst your own emotions, amidst all that was happening, amidst the unbearable tension that vibrated between the two of us for the most part that day. I didn't know why, but I could no longer control myself and I cried. I sank below the table and cried, because that was all I could do, it was the only thing I could do. I was frustrated with myself, and at that point in time I could literally feel all my anger and hurt and the justifications - the logic and reason - that fed my fury slip away and disintegrate into nothingness. It hurt so terribly to see you hurt that it surprised me. I surprised myself.

To be perfectly honest, I had been observing you in the LT as well during the Raffles Speakers talk, when we were sitting at opposite ends of the hall. Each time you leaned against the wall, each time you looked away, each time you bent down to cough, my resolve crumbled. I really didn't have two choices...I really didn't actually need the counsellor...I've probably already made my decision right then and there, just that I wasn't sure of it.

I just wasn't sure of myself. But now I am.

I love you, I love you, I love you, and I need you to know...that regardless of all that happens, this is one thing that will never change.

***

~~~*Left with the Winds at 11.14am*~~~

Aurinya blogged at 11:15 AM

Roaming the Winds