It took me a while to realise it myself, but he really was right about my desire for a level of intimacy that is indubitably unattainable. For so many years I've survived largely upon imaginary friendships and socialized excessively within the confines of my own head, readily substituting human companionship with interactions that are mere delusions and yet so beautifully promising that I was hopelessly drawn to them, that all this probably amounted to a deep conviction, a sort of desperate yet concrete hope, that such levels of understanding and intimacy can be achieved with a separate physical presence as well. Just like what he said...at the end of the day, everyone will never stop being "somebody else". There are separate lives to live, individual participation in time, isolated bodies from which we would seek the necessary shelter of privacy, and it is only incorrigibly naive to believe that there is sufficient capacity under such conditions to forge a connection of the depth I envisioned.

  We all have our own worlds to explore and perceive, and nobody can follow us wherever we go, not for a few seconds, minutes, days...not for a thousand lonely years.

  At this juncture I remembered how I once expressed to him, rather tentatively, my wish to be able to take him into my inner world and let him see the things I'm able to see, though at that point in time he had - understandably - brushed it off a little lightly. I told him in the mac lab that I didn't want to sleep because I'd fall into my dreams and he wouldn't be able to go where I'd go. I told him I didn't want to be alone, to be abandoned, to have to alternate between my mesh of jumbled up realities and seek solid ground utterly on my own. I told him, I told him, I told him. It all seems so laughable now, not in the sense of anger or disappointment, but rather akin to a parent laughing inwardly at his child who has taken a tumble after being too absorbed in mindless revelry. A little bitter too, perhaps. Who can truly remain unaffected when an illusion that mattered so much to him dissolves into just another solid, blank wall of truth? What I need now is time to reconcile the two halves of myself, one thing I've asked too much of life and yet never appreciated enough.

  When I told him yesterday that this relationship has in some aspects made me 'revert to being such a child', I didn't mean it literally in terms of behavior and intellect. What I really meant was that it has liberated my inner child from the cold, apathetic shell I used to encase myself in, and I'm finding it easier and more natural lately to do things that my past self would never have condoned; in other words, behave in ways that are more truthful to my emotions, cease to constantly put up an act and just let my guard down a little, and tell myself that it's okay to be a little vulnerable, it's okay to be a little honest, it's okay to be a little dependent, a little weak, a little hurt. Who I used to be would never hum or sing in public, would never squirm and giggle, guilt-trip anyone, or ask if someone could accompany me to sit in a corner or go to a certain place and express slight disappointment when turned down. I would never have cried in public, or shook my head when someone asked if I was okay when I wasn't. They were things I never allowed myself to do. I didn't allow myself to be a girl or a child or a member or a leader - anyone but a strong, independent and individual self.

  It was also a self that I had to discard in order to love and be loved.

  So please, please understand...that even if my current self is a little (or even considerably) stupider and weaker and more dependent, it's really just who I am, not who I have become. I never thought I was capable of doing these things, and at some level it required a complete revision of my self-esteem and perception of my personal identity. It will take time. I will pull myself together. 

  I want to be able to love you without being a complete wreck, and that is what I'm going to work towards.

  Until that day.

***

~~~*Left with the Winds at 10.32am*~~~