Friday, December 21, 2012
It's breaking me inside, but I said I would, so I'm still trying. Pardon the feelings that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I try. At some level I think it's still too early, and I'm not ready for it, I can't let go. But you're right. Why bother?
Monday, September 10, 2012
And after 257 posts over a total of four years, I've decided to close this channel and move on to a simpler platform on tumblr. Yes, four years, all of which amounted to an archive bursting with dark emo-fests, forgotten childhoods, joys and pains and dreams and sorrow. It's not easy to leave this familiar blogskin and warm up quickly to the new plain, emotionless white theme, but I can't stay in one place forever, and it's about time to close one window and open another.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Sometimes it takes just a little reflection to scour the gritty surface of life and gaze into the barren visage that lies underneath, and we would come to the realisation, even if just for a short moment, that the weaknesses and needs we believe so strongly to be our own plague many others equally in unseen hours. The hidden tears, the concealed troubles, the carefully contained emotions sealed in a vessel packed too tightly with other vessels to make a sound; all these mixed signals swirling in a soup of madness that drifts from person to person, cushioning cold shoulders, obscuring hostile glares, lubricating the trillions and trillions of little cogs in a gargantuan social machine that will never stop working itself to the end of infinity. That is not to say, of course, that no good comes from this insulation. It saves. It saves us by alleviating the most corrosive effects of strife, but not without exacting a payment of sorts.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
I think I've broken my record for the number of hours slept in one go, and even while I'm typing here I still can't believe myself, not to mention I'm incredibly pissed. I was so tired yesterday evening that I nearly fell asleep on the MRT standing and almost missed my stop, and then by the time I got home after math tuition I was feeling all dizzy so I took a nap at around 7.35pm. I set my alarm clock to 8.30pm at the LOUDEST BUZZER VOLUME, thinking that my parents would wake me up at 8.30 in time for dinner.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
And I'm really only being far too idealistic. Often a time I would think I had made some progress and bettered myself, that over the years, the intoxicating effects of the dreams that used to have such a strong hold on me have been negated by wave after wave of reality, and for a short while I would feel mildly sure of my place in this world...until times like this, when I would awake abruptly amidst all the buzzing humdrum, only to realise that what remains of my idealism is just so deeply insidious that I'm completely unaware of it. What he said yesterday was absolutely spot-on. It hit the pin, drove it right into my head, and for a good hour or so I couldn't stop hearing those words in my head like some sort of gyrating bird, reminding, reminding, reminding.
Monday, September 3, 2012
I've decided that at least for the next few weeks, I won't hate you, curse you, or punish you anymore. I'm tired, but even so I'm not going to give myself anymore excuses. I've been an unreasonable parent in both conceivable ways, and I'm going to change that.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
You've won. I hope you're fucking happy now. After all everyone forgets about moral decency once in a while, don't they? It's no big deal, no big deal slowly poisoning someone you no longer give a fuck about; it's probably enjoyable anyway, and you've been waiting for this to happen for a long time just that you never had the courage it takes to speak up about it.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Please...please...
Sunday, August 26, 2012
After a while, having been so mindlessly engaged in the comings and goings of life and people and events and things for the past few months...I've forgotten how simple everything could be if only I could find it in myself to just let go. After all it's not something I'd have to go out of my way to strive for; I've always had the ability to do so, only I've thrown myself so willingly into the elaborate beauty of a rare illusion that was able to fully capture my heart and soul and sate these two famished beasts, that I cannot even conceive of any prospect of leaving it now...leaving this cage, this intricate home that offers at once the tender nourishment I need and the concentrated bouts of pain and misery that would make me throw myself against the bars in a desperate frenzy - until a cursory glance across the bleak and wintry landscape that spans for miles and miles beyond, with its howling wind, its battered trees, its excruciating whiteness and biting cold and blank scrutiny of the greying skies...makes me realise with a crushing sense of dejection that there's simply nowhere else to go.